Assuming that you are new to the Orthodox life, I think your mother is correct; honoring her wishes is certainly one of the most important precepts—especially since she does not mind you dressing like a Modern Orthodox young woman. Your mother has every right to make this demand since you are already acting in accordance with Jewish tradition and law.
Modesty is really more about a state of mind than it is anything else. Being “modest,” is an important value in our tradition. Perhaps the most famous passage regarding modesty comes from the prophet Micah 6:8, which reads:
You have been told, O man, what is good,
and what the LORD requires of you:
Only to do right and to love goodness,
and to walk modestly with your God.
The traditions of tsiniut (modesty) really vary from community to community. What one community considers “modest,” is considered “immodest” by another. For example, a couple of years ago in Israel, there were some Haredi rabbis who complained about a dress shop’s display of naked mannequins! I can assure you there are no laws of tsniut governing mannequins!
I would be willing to bet you a cappuccino at Starbucks that you probably would not mind seeing your picture in a high school yearbook or in the local newspaper in honor of your accomplishments or charitable work with the indigent of your community, right? However, if you are a woman living in Jerusalem, the pious rabbis would consider your picture as a breach of tsniut! Even Secretary Hillary Clinton has recently blasted Israel for allowing the Haredi rabbis to discriminate against women in their country.
Here are some other examples to consider:
· In Sephardic countries, even young girls used to cover their hair because it was (and still is in many parts of the Muslim world), for young girls to appear “immodestly dressed.” Some ladies in Jerusalem have upset even the most pious of rabbis by wearing a burka, only exposing their eyes. However, as the great Sephardic scholar Ben Ish Chai explains, the custom of head coverings was rejected by the women of Europe.[1]
· Some Halachic scholars argue that a little bit of exposed hair presents no Halachic problem.[2] Many Modern Orthodox women will not cover their hair once they are married; those who do cover their hair, don’t mind letting large portions of their hair show underneath a hat. Now in other communities like in Me’ah Sha’arim in Jerusalem, that would be the height of immodesty.
· Another perennial question regarding tsniut is the matter whether or not women may sing in a public event; once again, there are ample precedents that permit women to sing—but others would regard this position as “immodest.”
· Women are routinely assaulted by the Haredim in Israel for not sitting at the “back of the bus,” and that their failure to do so is because of an alleged lack of tsniut.
The message becomes even more painfully clear to Jewish women all over the world. The Ultra-Orthodox do not want women to be seen or heard. Some communities insist that women walk on opposite sides of the street, or that they not attend a store whenever there are men inside shopping. As you can see, tsniut has become almost a national obsession for the Haredi, Hassidic, and Right-Wing Zionists.
As you can see, there is no limit how modest one wishes to be. Unfortunately, the issue today regarding tsniut has become more of a political issue than a halachic issue--and this self-righteous attitude is threatening to unravel Israeli society in a way that Israel's enemies could never hope to accomplish on their own.
The bottom line, look inwardly into your soul, and you will realize what true modesty really is. Modesty is never pretentious; a modest person is not interested in merely “looking” modest, but is truly modest—she’s the real deal and not an imitation. [3]
One last note, I have noticed that some young women do wear dresses over pants; I am told by some of the young teenage girls in my Shul, that this is considered fashionable.
[1] He writes further, “Look at the women of Europe, whose custom is not to hide themselves from strangers. Nonetheless, their clothes are orderly; they do not reveal their bodies except only their faces, necks, hands, and heads. It is true that their hair is uncovered and this custom of theirs is not possible according to our laws. But, they have one justification They say, “Yet still, this custom (of having their hair uncovered) was accepted by all their women – both Jewish and Gentile – to walk about with their hair uncovered is no different than revealing of their faces. It does not cause sexual thoughts in men when they see it with their eyes.” These are their words which they answer for this custom and we do not have an answer to reject this answer of theirs”( Ben Ish Chai, Rav Pealim helek 4 Kuntras Sod Yesharim #5).
[2] R. Moshe Feinstein, E.H. 1:58; cf. Igros Moshe OH 4:112:4.
[3] There is a fascinating psychological concept in Halacha known as מחזי כיוהרא (mechzei k'yuhara), i.e., public religious actions that give an appearance of excessive piety). For example, the Mishnah Berurah mentions the practice of one individual who used to publicly put on Rabbanu Tam’s Tefillon as a show of his excessive piety. Such behavior is considered ostentatious and inappropriate (O.H. 34 MB 16, cf. O.H. 652:6).
Answered by: Rabbi Dr. Michael Leo Samuel
