I don't think there is any specific Jewish view point on this subject. Children, regardless their age, are required by halakha to honor their parents ("Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long on the soil that the Lord your God has given you" (Exodus 20:12) "kibud av v'em and if needed to provide for their outcome in old age. This certainly also applies to children living in the house of their parents.
On a general level - it is especially important to be sensitive to the possible tensions that can arise when adult children who might have had a household of their own for many years move back in with their parents. We all have our little meshuggas and these can turn into points of tension.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: What is word origin of the Hebrew term 'yibum'?
"Yibum" (with the root yod-bet-mem) comes from the Syriac y-v-m which has the same meaning as in Hebrew/Aramaic: levirate marriage.
If you are interested you can also look up the variations in Brown-Driver-Briggs and Strong's Concordance #2992, 2993 and 2994 and in the Sokoloff Dictionary.of Jewish Babylonian Aramaic or the Jastrow Dictionary of Aramaic.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: I have been curious about what happens when a Jew decides that Jesus is the "messiah", or accepts any other religion. Does he/she immediately became Christian or something else, and stop being a Jew? I think it is a confusing topic and I was hoping someone could explain please.
Part of the confusion you have is because unlike a Christian, Muslim or Buddhist – a Jew can mean both the ethnic identity of a person or/and his or her religion. A Jew is part of the Jewish people whether or not he/she is observant and regardless to the level of observance.
There have always been Jews who for various reasons have chosen (or forced) to practice a different religion they are still considered according to Jewish law as Jews. The Talmud gives them the status of “sinful Jews”, also referred to as “Mumar” (renegades).
Jewish law, halakha, differentiates between five categories of apostates, depending on the form of apostasy and the motivation behind it, from the least severe:
someone who habitually transgresses certain aspects of Torah in order to satisfy some desire
someone who does so out of spite
someone who transgresses Shabbat wilfully in public “mehallel Shabbat b’farhesia”
someone who transgresses to commit acts of idolatry “meshumad l’avoda zara”
and finally “meshumad l’khol hatora kula”, someone who is an ‘apostate in regards to the entire Torah’) who rejects everything about Judaism and abandons each and every aspect of it.
The first three levels of being a “meshumad” or “mumar” do not affect a person’s status within the Jewish people. Such a person continues to be Jewish, even though there might be some restrictions, e.g. someone who violates publicly Shabbat cannot serve as a witness. The principle is that someone who has turned his or her back on certain mitzvot cannot serve as an agent to fulfil them even should he/she chose to do so. But this doesn’t mean that Halakha considers such a person as a gentile.
The status of someone who converted to another religion is more complicated. It depends on the circumstances that led to the conversion (e.g. was the person “trapped” by a skilful recruiter to “Jews for Jesus”), which religion was embraced, the level of immersion and identification with the new religion, the level of rejection of one’s Jewish identity, etc. Now, what happens if such a person at one point decides to re-embrace Judaism? Would he or she need to convert “back” to Judaism in order to annul the previous conversion? It really depends on the specific case and the circumstances. But there are at least some opinions who would require of somebody who would fall in the “apostate” category four or five to renounce his/her apostasy in front of three witnesses and to immerse in a ritual bath (see: Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 268:12, Rema: “A Jewish apostate who performs Teshuvah (repents) does not need to immerse in a mikvah (in order to return to his former status, on a Torah level); on a rabbinic level he has to immerse and accept upon himself the mizvot in front of three people.”)
But whatever the circumstances: the door will always remain open for someone to return.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
After the death of a person Jewish law requires the body to be buried as soon as possible, usually within 24 hours, sometimes even on the same day. Usually, from the moment death occurs until burial the body is not left alone. After washing and shrouding, the body is placed in a coffin and the lid closed (there is no open-casket ceremony in the Jewish tradition). It is the custom for someone to sit with the casket at all times and to recite Psalms.
If possible the rabbi would have spent some time with the family prior to burial (often the day before or a few hours before the funeral) to talk to the family and to gather some important information about the deceased in his/her family, background and life story to prepare the eulogy (hesped).
When the immediate family arrives at the funeral home they are often guided by the funeral director to a side room to gather while the guests to the funeral assemble in the funeral hall. Before the family goes over to the funeral room the rabbi (or sometimes the funeral director) will help them to perform “kri’ah” (the tearing of the garment). This is an outward symbol of the death that just happened and that someone close has been “torn” from us. For a parent the mourner would tear his or her garment (shirt, jacket etc.) on the left side, for other immediate relatives (spouses, children, siblings) one would tear the garment on the right side. This torn garment is worn by the mourners during all the days of shiva.
The ceremony begins by the funeral director leading in the family into the funeral hall and all that are present will rise to silently welcome the mourners. The family is seated in the front rows nearest the coffin. The rabbi might begin the ceremony with a few psalms or other suitable readings followed by the eulogy. In many ceremonies the word is then given to other family members or friends who would like to share a few words about the deceased.
The ceremony in the funeral home might then be concluded by el male rahamim, a prayer for the deceased. The casket is then wheeled out and the all that are present follow the casket to the hearse, beginning with the immediate family.
It is customary to accompany the hearse for a bit on foot if one is not attending the burial at the cemetery.
Arriving at the cemetery, the casket is nowadays often wheeled to the open grave which has been dug by the cemetery workers accompanied by “pall bearers” often close friends or relatives. If the cemetery rules permits it, the preference would be for the pall bearers to actually carry the casket. It is customary to stop seven times on the way to the grave and to recite a selection of psalms. The casket is then lowered into the ground and the phrase: “al mekomo/a yavo/tavo b’shalom” – May he/she go to God in peace.
The last act of kindness we can show to the deceased is the shoveling of the grave. Very often this is left to the cemetery personnel but there is great value for those present to perform this mitzvah themselves. It is the last thing we can do for the deceased and it shouldn’t be left to strangers. Besides that it has enormous cathartic power for the mourners. It is a practical act that makes the finality of death very real and brings out the feelings of loss and grief which is an important step in the beginning of the grief process.
Once the grave has been covered the prayer “zidduk ha din” – Acceptance of Judgment is recited by the mourners, followed by the Burial Kaddish – a special kaddish that is only recited at the grave side.
All present at the cemetery now form two rows between which the mourners pass. As they pass through they are greeted with the traditional formula:
“Hamakom yenachem otcha/otach b’toch sh’ar avelim tzion v’rushalayim” – May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem (for Ashkenazim) or “Min hashamayim tenuchamu” – Comfort will come for you from heaven (for Sephardim).
Upon leaving the cemetery one washes hands (without a blessing).
The family will now return home where they will sit shiva and receive visitors.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: My father died suddenly 10 days ago. What are my obligations or what is custom for an adult daughter to be doing after sitting shiva? Thank you in advance for your help.
Min HaShamayim tenachumu! – May God send you comfort.
The Jewish mourning periods falls in stages of varying intensity corresponding to the stages of grief a mourner goes through. Starting from the immediate time after receiving the notice of the death until burial – this period is called “aneynut” during which the immediate relatives of the deceased are overwhelmed and stunned by grief and often also overburdened by the requirements of having to function and to organize the burial etc, during that time one is exempt from time-bound mitzvot such as prayer, tefillin etc.
The next stage, following burial is called “shiva” that you mentioned in your question and is the customary mourning period of 7 days, starting from the day of burial during which the mourner is not leaving her home and the community will take care of all needs (food, cleaning, making sure there is a minyan in the home etc). During that time a mourner is allowed (and supposed) to neglect personal appearance and refrains from showering, shaving, changing clothes, working etc.
The death of a close relative is followed by a period, called “shloshim” (thirty) counting thirty days from the day of burial during which a mourner is slowly reintegrating into life, leaving the home, going to work but still has a number of restrictions, like shaving, cutting the hair, participating in joyous events. In the event of the death of a parent a child is in mourning for an entire year although of lesser intensity. After the above mentioned “shloshim” period a child would continue to mourn the death of a father or mother, reciting daily the kaddish prayer, refraining to listen to life musical performances etc.
I always believed that the stages in the Jewish mourning process are one of the most attuned and sensitive rituals that put the needs of a mourner at the center. Very often Christian clergy, once they have learned about the Jewish mourning process have expressed that they wished something comparable would exist in their own faith tradition.
These stages are meant to guide the mourner through the process of coming to terms with the loss and to gentle guide him or her back to a new kind of normality.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: In my girlfriend's parents' Orthodox community, it's fairly common for people to refuse to eat at other families' houses. Sometimes it's for kashrut [keeping kosher, observing the dietary laws] concerns (disagreements over acceptable heckshers) [hecksher=notation indicating supervision for Kashrut by a known group or organization], but the majority of the time it's for seemingly unrelated issues (e.g., the wife not covering her hair or wearing pants) that somehow also reflects on that family's kashrut observance for these people. I find that kind of divisiveness disturbing -- wasn't it "because of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza Jerusalem was destroyed"? [Administrators note: this refers to a story about sinat chinam - baseless hatred and shaming another.]
Which is the more important Jewish value -- unity among Jews [klal yisra'el] or strictly maintaining your religious standards?
Can they be reconciled?
This is not only an issue in Orthodox communities I also encounter it in Conservative circles. There too is a wide spread of personal practice. Where in some Orthodox circles the fact that a woman is wearing trousers might be considered proof enough for that family’s lack of religious commitment in Conservative circles we have a wide range of what people are comfortable with in regards to kashrut: There are those who eat cheese that is made with vegetarian rennet but without a heksher and those that insist on a heksher for all cheese products, there are some who would drink wine without a heksher and those that don’t etc. Some people turn on and off lights on Shabbat which is contrary to my practice but it doesn’t make the food they prepare unkosher.
People in my community know approximately my level of observance and if they invite me for dinner I will act under the assumption that the food they offer me is prepared to the standards I accept, the halakhic principle for this is ‘dan l’kaf zekhut’ (to give the benefit of a doubt) which is based on a Mishna in the first perek of Avot. I do not look in their pots and kitchen cabinets. At one point I was invited to someone’s home for a shabbat meal which was sitting on a warming plate. At the end of the meal she offered tea & coffee, I accepted and then realized that she turned on a water kettle. At that point I politely explained that I wouldn’t have any tea. When she asked, I explained that even boiling water was prohibited on shabbat, she apologized, it turned out for some reason she was under the impression that she could “re-heat” water once it had boiled already (she clearly confused it with the re-heating of solid foods) and that was the end of it. Next time I visited her, a thermos with hot water was waiting for me.
Like with many things in life: with communication and an open-minded attitude towards each other our unity as a people and our commitment to an observant life can be preserved.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: What does the Jewish quote from Abraham Joshua Heschel "wonder rather than doubt is the root of all knowledge" mean?
The intellectual emphasis on traditional theology for a long time has been on attempting to form a union between faith and reason (Maimonides’ Guide for the Perplexed is maybe the most famous representative among Jewish thinkers). The attempt is to try to overcome the notion of faith and reason being opposites that cannot be reconciled.
Later, Rene Descartes introduced to Western philosophy methodological skepticism (also known as “Cartesian Doubt”) as a form of philosophical inquiry. It means in essence to doubt the truths of all one’s beliefs in order to eventually be able to discern for certain which beliefs were true. It became a methodological approach that characterized the continental rational schools of philosophy and had enormous influence on Western philosophical thinking. In its extremes it advocates the doubt of all things that cannot be proven by logic. He even went so far as to create a proof for the existence of God based on pure rational thought with little or no room left for faith.
A.J. Heschel’s “Wonder rather than doubt is the root of knowledge” from his book “Man Is Not Alone” rejects this (over)-emphasis on rational thought and logic to the exclusion of awe. It is intimately connected to Heschel’s concept of “radical amazement”. Radical amazement is the ability of humans to remain, regain or reclaim a sense of awe in the presence of the divine: A deep form of appreciation for the wonders of life despite technological and scientific progress. It is the capability of understanding the texture, brush technique and historical background of a Rembrandt oil painting as well as the pure joy and wonder when stepping back to experience the painting.
As Heschel writes : “Wonder or radical amazement is the chief characteristic of the religious man's attitude toward history and nature. One attitude is alien to his spirit: taking things for granted, regarding events as a natural course of things. To find an approximate cause of a phenomenon is no answer to his ultimate wonder. He knows that there are laws that regulate the course of natural processes; he is aware of the regularity and pattern of things. However, such knowledge fails to mitigate his sense of perpetual surprise at the fact that there are facts at all. Looking at the world he would say, "This is the Lord's doing, it is marvelous in our eyes" (Psalms 118:23).”
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: Israel's Interior Minister said that he is putting the needs of Israel first by sending back illegal African immigrants. But does Israel, of all countries, have a right to be xenophobic? Do we concentrate on our internal problems at the expense of isolating ourselves from the needs of others?
In 1951 Israel was instrumental in writing the UN Refugee Convention. Legally and morally, Israel has to uphold the obligations that it took upon itself with drafting up the Refugee Convention and signing it: the African refugees that have recently entered the State of Israel have a right to be able to submit official asylum applications. Currently they are held in a legal limbo. Despite that Israeli authorities have recognized that these refugees would face significant danger for life and health if deported, they are held in "group protection" which means that the individual refugee's asylum application is either not accepted or not assessed and at the same time none of these refugees is deported. It results in a limbo in which the refugees cannot work, study or in any other way meaningful interact with Israeli society and have no future.
It is in my eyes highly problematic if a representative of the Israeli government refers to these refugees as "infiltrators" a choice of words that clearly indicates that somebody is in a place he/she doesn't belong.
Yes, Israel has a legal obligation (from the UN Refugee Convention) and a moral obligation to assess the case of each refugee to determine wether or not he/she should be granted asylum.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: How does the Jewish ownership of slaves reconcile with the celebration of fleeing slavery in Egypt [as told in the book of Exodus and recounted at the Passover seder]?
In ancient times slaves were a “normal” part of live. All ancient societies kept slaves including Jews in ancient Israel. A person could become a slave in various ways: enemy captives in armed conflicts were usually sold into slavery but also Jews could become slaves, usually as a form of payment for debt. The unique feature is that the Hebrew Bible specifies quite detailed the rights of slaves (Lev 25:39-43, Lev 25:45-46). Hebrew slaves for instance had to be released after seven years, all non-Jewish (male) slaves be circumcised and subject to all of the prohibitions in the Torah and most of the positive commandments (with few exceptions). Sexual exploitation of slaves was prohibited, if a slave owner was attracted to a female slave he had to free her and marry her. Fugitive slaves were protected and were not to be handed over to their previous masters if the reason for escape was mistreatment; physical mistreatment of a slave resulting in permanent physical damage resulted in his or her release from bondage. It is obviously hard to say how much of these ancient laws were descriptive or aspirational but the fact that they exist at all is remarkable.
In our time and age slavery or any kind of bondage is deeply unethical. But one should judge ancient societies within their own time and age. In ancient societies slavery was a normal part of the economy as much as minimum-wage jobs are basis for much of the US economy today.
The Hebrew Bible based on the historical experience of the Israelites as slaves in Egypt extended a far-reaching protection of slaves.
In regards to Jewish slave ownership in the United States: research has shown that only approximately 1.25% of slave owners in the South were Jewish. Their treatment of slaves was not significantly different from that of their neighbors. The anti-slavery movement on the other hand had a significant number of Jews among their ranks.
If you are interested in that aspect, there are a number of scholarly articles written on the subject.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: I am dating a non-Jewish man who I love deeply. I'm still a virgin but thinking about having sex sometime soon. I still want to marry a Jew in the end, so if I've had sex with a non-Jew, will a Jew still marry me or would I be considered tainted?
No, you are not “tainted” and are still eligible to marry a Jew, although sometimes in some communities marrying a Kohen would be forbidden for you. But this is not really the end of the answer: the way you phrased the question lets me assume that you are fairly young. You write that you are deeply in love and consider having sex with your friend even though you are determined to marry a Jew in the end. This strikes me as problematic. You are either committed to a relationship or not: the way you put it is as if you are saying from the get go that “I have sex with you but you aren’t good enough to marry”. How would he feel about this?
On the other hand, how will you know if you still feel like it? You feelings might change and you do want to get married to him. Having sexual relationship with a non-Jew and marriage to a non-Jew are forbidden according to Jewish Law unless he converts. At least in more traditional branches of Judaism, such as Conservative Judaism, it would mean that you would not be able to get married in a Jewish wedding ceremony. You obviously could still go through with it in a civil ceremony which then would bring up the question of the upbringing of future children.
Just be aware that things will get tricky once you really are in a relationship: what seemed to be obvious priorities might not be so obvious anymore once your relationship develops. Even though this is hard to do, especially in the beginning of a relationship, you need to have an honest conversation with your friend and you need to be very clear of your priorities and the possible foreseeable and unforeseeable consequences of your decisions.
I wish you good luck!
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: I am a non-Jew who is considering proposing to my girlfriend, who is Jewish. She has said she wants to be married in a Jewish temple/synagogue. Are we able to be married there if I am not Jewish?
How wonderful that you have found someone that you plan to share your future with.
I understand from your question that you have not converted to Judaism but that your girlfriend would like to get married in a synagogue (I assume in a Jewish wedding ceremony).
Jewish law (halakha) requires that both participants are Jewish by birth or have converted to Judaism prior to marriage. The traditional branches of Judaism (which includes Conservative Judaism) will not allow you to get married in a synagogue or elsewhere in a Jewish wedding ceremony and neither will rabbis in those branches officiate at such a marriage.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: Lag Baomer - the 33rd day of the 7 weeks observant Jews count between Passover and Shavuot - is a total mystery to me. The celebrations, what seems to border on pagan ritual at rabbis' graves - all of it...very odd. Can you provide clarity / insight / rationale?
Lag BaOmer is probably one of the least celebrated holidays outside Israel. According the Talmud and Midrash it marks the anniversary of the death of 24,000 students of rabbi Akiva who all died in a plague that was brought upon them on account for their neglect to show each other proper respect and jeaulosy of each other’s intellectual achievements and spiritual levels. It became also known as the yahrzeit of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai one of the last students of Rabbi Akiva after this plague. Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai became known as one of the greatest torah scholars of his generation and he has been attributed (although incorrectly) with the authorship of the Zohar. According to some on the day of his death he revealed the deepest secrets and most mystical teachings and so Lag BaOmer has come to parallel Shavuot (with the giving of the Torah) as the giving of the “hidden” Torah, the Kabbalah.
During the Middle Ages Lag BaOmer was a welcome day-off studying for scholars and celebrated by students of Torah with all kinds of festivities that could get a bit out of hand at times. Another tradition (although more recent) connects the date with the Bar Kokhba revolt against Roman occupation in (132-135 C.E.) Especially in Israel the night of Lag Baomer is celebrated with huge bonfires symbolizing the fires that were supposedly lit on mountain top to transmit messages between the rebels in their fight against the Romans. The holiday is a very popular especially for Israeli teenagers who’ll spent weeks leading up to the holiday creating stashes of firewood.
The assumed resting place of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai and his son Rabbi Elazar is in Meron in Israel and till this day hundreds of thousands of people gather there with bonfires, songs, dancing and barbeques. It is said that just as Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai brought the light of kabbalah to the world and to reflect this light fires are kindled.
There are multiple rituals connected with it, many of them originate in ashkenazi hasidic communities, such as "upsheren" (cutting the hair of 3-year old children for the first time), getting married etc.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: What’s the Torah view on the “green” movement, such as recycling and electric cars?
I assume you are asking about Jewish view on protection of the environment and not about a particular (“political”) movement.
The Jewish view assumes that God has ultimate stewardship over the earth and has given the earth to humanity to tend (Genesis 2:14). Humans are part of creation and are created in the image of God b’zelem elohim which gives infinite value to human life and also gave us great power. This power can also be used to destroy creation. Many of the environmental disasters we see today are caused by humanity. But the Bible has also given us multiple commandments to be careful with creation and not to destroy it. For one, the Sabbath is one commandment that tells us to refrain from our usual activities of creating and consuming: we walk to synagogue; we do not shop, cook or travel.
Each time we eat we are commanded to say a blessing and thus reminding us where the food comes from. It can be a moment of great awareness and a tool to help us reconnect with nature.
But the Torah is even more explicit: in Deuteronomy 20:19-20 it tells us the proper behavior even in a time of armed conflict (which usually is a time when many ethical rules tend to be neglected):
“When in your war against a city you have to besiege it a long time in order to capture it, you must not destroy its trees, wielding the ax against them. You may eat of them, but you must not cut them down. Are trees of the field human to withdraw before you into the besieged city? Only trees that you know do no yield food may be destroyed; you may cut them down for constructing siege works against the city that is waging war on you, until it has been reduced.”
This is the source for the principle of “bal tashchit” (do not destroy/do not waste). The medieval Jewish philosopher Maimonides expanded this in this Mishne Torah to also include the needless destruction for instance of clothes, food, buildings (Laws of Kings and Wars, 6:8, 10). It also includes being moderate in the consumption of food and drink or display of wealth (something I wish some Bnei Mitzvah celebrations and weddings would be more mindful of).
There is a peculiar law recorded in the Bible known as “shiloach haken” (sending away the mother bird). In Deuteronomy 22:6-7 it says:
“If along the road, you chance upon a bird’s nest, in any tree or on the ground, with fledglings or eggs and the mother sitting over the fledglings or on the eggs, do not take the mother with her young. Let the mother go, and take only the young, in order that you may fare well and have a long life.”
What sounds cruel at first reveals great environmental concern: If it is necessary to take the eggs of bird (e.g. for food) make sure to not also kill the mother bird and to send it away. She will be able to nest again and hence preserve the species.
That the reason for this is not only ethical (to spare the mother bird the pain of seeing its eggs taken) as some commentators have held can be seen in the following commentary by the medieval philosopher Nahmanides who wrote in his commentary to the Torah:
“This also is an explanatory commandment of the prohibition you shall not kill it [the mother] and its young both in one day (Leviticus 22:28). The reason for both [commandments] is that we should not have a cruel heart and not be compassionate, or it may be that Scripture does not permit us to destroy a species altogether, although it permits slaughter [for food] within that group. Now the person who kills the mother and the young in one day or takes them when they are free to fly, [it is regarded] as though they have destroyed that species.”
Nothing is superfluous in creation we learn in Genesis Rabbah 10:7 “Our Rabbis said: Even those things that you may regard as completely superfluous to Creation – such as fleas, gnats and flies—even they were included in Creation; and God’s purpose is carried through everything—even through a snake, a scorpion, a gnat, a frog.”
We learn that everything in creation has its value even if we might not be aware of it. Destroying it would be denying God’s creation. We are prohibited from mistreating animals and causing them unnecessary pain, this principal is known as “tzaar baalei chayim”. Unfortunately, especially in an age of mass-produced meat there have been examples where kosher slaughterhouses also have violated this principle for the sake of profit. And more and more Jewish consumers and organizations are demanding change and becoming involved in environmental action. Doing so is living the principles of torah.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: I know this has been asked before, but my situation seems "impossible" though I believe with G-d all things can be done! I am a married woman, currently Catholic, married to a devout Catholic man with six devout Catholic children. I KNOW I am supposed to be Jewish. I cannot any longer set aside G-d's calling, much like He called Samuel and after three tries or so, Samuel finally realizes that it is G-d who is calling him. I desperately want to convert and am now, after all this time ready. My husband will be supportive and will come with me to classes, though I am not certain he will convert. The children will be another story. Can we lead two lives--them a Catholic life and me a Jewish life--but as a family celebrate both? (Though I will choose not to participate at Mass or rosary or anything Christian-related). I pray and hope with all my heart that this is possible.
Your situation is actually not uncommon. There are many for whom Judaism holds a strong fascination. I can see from your question that you have struggled with the desire to be Jewish for quite some time and you feel a deep calling. But there are several issues here: some of them concern your yearning, your family and others are legal (halakhic).
I don’t know how much of actual rabbinic (non-Biblical) Judaism you have experienced. Rabbinic Judaism in its form it has developed in the last 2000 years is inherently different from the Judaism described in the Bible. Besides the Bible, contemporary (rabbinic) Judaism also draws on a vast literature and set of beliefs and practices developed after the Second Temple period and until today.
How familiar you are with the everyday aspects of being Jewish and how familiar you are with core Jewish beliefs. Becoming Jewish is a gradual process. It involves a change not only in outward ritual observance but also a very different theology. Becoming Jewish means not only to join a religion but also to become part of a people, a history, and a culture. But there are other aspects concerning your family that are very important factors:
As you already mentioned in your question, your husband and children are devout Catholics and although supportive of your interest do not share your desire to convert. But unless your husband decides to convert as well as well as your children, a rabbinic court (Beit Din) of the conservative movement would not accept you for conversion. The reasons for that are that in the conservative movement we follow the principle of Jewish law of not permitting intermarriage. In converting one spouse in an already existing marriage (Catholic in your case) we would effectively create an intermarriage through the conversion. Further, a conversion requires that the convert is able and willing to live an observant Jewish life. If the rest of your family remains Catholic, how would you ensure to keep kosher, keep Shabbat etc? It would practically be impossible.
I know that this is not the answer you were hoping for. But let me emphasize one point very clearly: Salvation and redemption are not exclusive to Jews. According to Jewish beliefs righteous gentile too have a share in the world to come. A righteous gentile enjoys a place of honor and respect in the rabbinic tradition.
Maybe you could explore what it means to be a Noahide (a gentile who keeps the Noahide laws)? You might also gain a lot in starting to attend classes and learn about Judaism and Israel, maybe learn Hebrew? Look up a few course offerings in some of your local synagogues or Jewish Community Centers. It might also help you find a new appreciation for your own religious heritage.
I wish you a meaningful experience in exploring Judaism and may it bring you closer to God.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: My parents are quick to disbelieve any medical issues I have, and often get angry when I seek treatment. They think I'm a hypochondriac, though I usually only seek medical attention after I'm sick enough that my friends start to get worried.
This came to a head last summer, when I was suffering from clinical depression. My mother vehemently argued with me about whether I was depressed and told me not to get counseling, when I was in fact suicidal, and those arguments drove me further into depression & towards hurting myself.
I'm seeing a therapist now, and the mental issues are clearing up. However, I'm still in a bind about how to deal with my parents. I know that honoring your father & mother is a mitzvah, but how do I honor my parents when listening to them -- or, sometimes, even speaking with them at all -- can be hurtful or even dangerous?
What can Jewish values, ethics and law tell me about how to handle this?
I wonder if your parents might feel that your depressions reflect negatively on them as parents. As if they have done something “wrong” and that they are to blame. Have you explored this with your parents in a conversion, maybe it a separate conversion with each of your parents? Especially depression is very hard to understand for somebody who hasn’t experienced it. Would it help to refer your parents to a forum of family members of people with depression to learn more about this condition? Maybe some of this can be part of a conversation you can have with your parents to address their concerns or to clear up some underlying issues.
The obligation of “honoring your father and your mother” comes with some limitations: You are not supposed to publicly shame your parents or dismiss them but neither do you have to follow their advice if doing so would be harmful for you. Listen to what they have to say and then make your own decision which you may explain to them why you chose not to follow their advice.
In some situations self-care takes precedence. If personal interaction with your parents interferes with your health, like in the way you described, you are entitled to stay away from your parents, yet making sure that they are provided with what they need. You may enlist the help of a third person to do so.
Hopefully over time and if needed from a distance you will be able to rebuild your relationship with your parents.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: When I was young, I was abused by my father. My mother, who knew, did nothing. Must I still honor them?
The Ten Commandments state: "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long on the soil that the Lord your God has given you" (Exodus 20:12).
The obligations of children towards their parents are eternal and cannot be abandoned. It is preferable that the child provide himself/herself for the physical and emotional needs of the parent but there are situation where that isn’t possible or feasible, i.e. geographic distance, specific illness or a history of violence and abuse that led to a toxic and hateful relationship.
How to deal with a parent(s) who have acted abusively and hatefully towards their children, perhaps inflicting great physical and emotional damage on them? In the Babylonian Talmud, Gittin 6b the Sages warn: "Rabbi Hisda said: A man should never impose excessive fear upon his household, or else he may be the cause of great tragedy. [...] Rabbi Judah said in the name of Rav: If a man imposes fear upon his household, he will eventually commit the three sins of illicit sexual relations, bloodshed, and the desecration of the Sabbath." The understanding of the gemarra is that the man’s violent behavior will lead to illicit sexual relations because his wife might neglect the laws of ritual purity being afraid to tell him that she is still in “niddah” (menstrual impurity) and hence forbidden from sexual relations with him, children might run away from home and become victims of crimes or commit crimes, and the Sabbath will be violated because the family might be inclined to rekindle an extinguished candle on Shabbat out of fear that the abusive father/husband might turn violent otherwise.
Despite this the Talmud (Kiddushin 31a) relates the story of a pious non-Jew, Dama son of Netina, whose mentally ill mother came and spat in his face and struck his head in public and yet he tolerated her behavior and continued to honor her.
How to reconcile these two? The mitzvah of kibud av v’em “honoring one’s father and mother” nevertheless cannot be abandoned. But the extent and the form in which it is practiced can/should be adjusted to the specific circumstances:
Maimonides in his Mamrin 6:10 wrote that if one’s parents have become mentally ill one should treat them according to the needs of their illness and make sure all their needs are met. But if one cannot stand being around them and seeing them in the state they are in it is permissible to hand-over the care to others, provided that the needs of the parents are met. This is also the opinion of the Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 240:10 stating clearly that one does not need to suffer physical or mental harm in performance of this mitzvah. But one is not allowed to degrade one’s parents or to show them contempt or disrespect. One cannot disown one’s parents but neither does one have to tolerate abuse or put oneself in a potentially dangerous situation.
The basic requirements are that a child has to provide for the needs of the parents, i.e. food, shelter, etc. If the parents have the means one is allowed to use their resources to cover the expenses before tapping into your own resources. One is also entitled to make someone else one’s agent to perform these actions on your behalf if one is not capable to do it.
On a different note: I just want to emphasize that under no circumstances is one obligated to tolerate abuse or to turn ones back when witnessing abuse. There is no issue of “lashon hara” (“slander”) in reporting abuse to the proper authorities, to protest against abuse (if it can be done without endangering oneself or others), and to seek help.
I don’t know if your feelings towards your parents are equally strong or if you would entertain the possibility of trying to build some sort of relationship with your mother who might have been a victim herself. You are the only one who can decide this. But I would recommend you to seek professional help of a therapist to assist you in this process should you decide to reach out to her.
Rabbi Ute Steyer
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Judaism places great value on marriage: it is as if a person becomes “complete” only through marriage. What is considered suitable age for marriage? Well, it's never too late. But can it be too early.
Let's keep in mind that what is considered marriageable age is determined by sociological, economic and historical factors. Overall, the average age of marriage used to be much earlier in a person’s life – often coinciding when the young man or woman would be of legal age and economically responsible.
In medieval Europe marriages were often entered once men had economic possibility to sustain a family and women once they reached reproductive age.
When is a child considered an adult? According to Jewish law, a boy is considered a minor until he has reached the age of thirteen years and one day.In order to be considered a man (“ish”) two pubic hairs need to have appeared. If for some reason that hasn’t happened yet, then his change of status to “ish” is delayed until the physical evidence of two pubic hairs have occurred. (Niddah 46a; Maimonides, Mishne Torah, Hil. Ishut 2:10, Shulchan Aruch, Even Ha-ezer 155:12).
For a girl too two pubic hairs need to be visible then at the age of twelve she is considered an adult. (Niddah 46a, Maimonides, Mishne Torah, Ishut 2:1).
So far the formal requirements. But What age is considered a good age? The Talmud in Kiddushin 29b seems to think anyone over the age of 20 and still unmarried is cursed. That would be bad news for the New York Singles community but Torah study is a valid excuse to delay marriage yet nobody should remain unmarried. Celibacy is not a Jewish virtue.
The Talmud debates how early one’s children can marry: on the one hand marrying off a young child before he/she reaches puberty is considered displeasing in the eyes of God. This is also the opinion held in Yevamot 44a where it says “If he, for instance, was young and she old, or if he was old and she was young, he is told, 'What would you with a young woman'? or 'What would you with an old woman'?
But another opinion held that it is meritorious to do so but only if the child is just before the age of puberty. (Sanhedrin 76b).
In the Babylonian Talmud, tractate Sanhedrin 76a it is also discouraged to marry off a young daughter to an old man: “Do not profane your daughter to cause her to be a whore; Rabbi Eliezer said: This refers to marrying one’s (young) daughter to an old man.”
On the other hand, children were often betrothed at a very young age continuing to live in their respective families until they reached majority and then married.
Yet, already in the Middle Ages, rabbinic opinion was strongly opposed to child marriages continuing the concerns already voiced in the Talmud and reflecting the changing sensibilities. Child marriage as such is also prohibited or strictly regulated by law in many countries and Jewish law in such cases falls under the rule of dina d’malkhuta dina “the law of the land is the law”. In the United States the legal age for marriage is governed by marriage laws of the different states, varying from 18 - 19. Marriage where one or both parts are younger need parental and/judicial consent.
I haven’t heard of any rabbi, regardless denomination who would be willing to officiate at the wedding ceremony involving minors and even if the law of the country allows it most rabbis would exercise extreme caution.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Question: Hi. I met this girl, she is amazing to me, she feels like the one. I've got a problem: I'm a kohain (Kohen), and her mother converted. While her mother was far into the conversion process, this girl was born. Is she considered Jewish, or a convert? Please send me this answer soon. I would not go against my religion, but I feel that Hashem tests us in such hard ways and so many times.
A Kohen is prohibited from marrying a convert, a prostitute, a divorcee, or a widow. But the verses in Leviticus (21:7, 14) only mention the prostitute, divorcee and widow which give us the underlying explanation to the prohibition against marrying a convert that is mentioned in the Talmud (Babylonian Talmud Kiddushin 78a): Non-Jewish women were considered of questionable reputation. See also Maimonides, Laws of Forbidden Relations 18:3.
On the other hand, according to Talmudic law a marriage between a Kohen and a convert, although forbidden, is still valid if the marriage took place anyhow but their male offspring are considered of having lost their status as Kohanim.
In your case the situation is different. If I understood your description of the background of your fiancée correctly, her mother converted while being pregnant with her. If your fiancée was born AFTER her mother finished her conversion (immersed in the mikveh l’shem giyyur), her mother is now considered Jewish in all aspects and any offspring that she gave birth since are Jewish by birth. It doesn’t matter if the conception happened before the conversion. See also Tur and Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer 7.
There are although some minority opinions that hold that a woman conceived before her mother’s conversion although Jewish is not fit to marry a Kohen. This is a minority opinion but one that you might encounter here and there.
The Conservative movement has ruled in several teshuvot (Klein, Goodman) that the prohibition against Kohanim marrying converts today is no longer applicable for several reasons: firstly, no Kohen can today be really sure of his lineage to the Second Temple – all Kohanim are “assumed Kohanim”, secondly non-Jewish women today are not to be considered to come from idolatrous societies and are also not considered “loose women” simply because they are non-Jewish. Therefore, in the Conservative movement most rabbis would feel comfortable to marry a Kohen and a convert. Their male offspring would be considered Kohanim in conservative congregations but not in orthodox congregations.
I would like to point out that if you have consulted a rabbi who ruled that he/she will not perform the marriage than their opinion is based on a valid opinion.
Click here to view all of the answers for this question.
Copyright 2020 all rights reserved. Jewish Values Online
N O T I C E
THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN ANSWERS PROVIDED HEREIN ARE THOSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL JVO PANEL MEMBERS, AND DO NOT
NECESSARILY REFLECT OR REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF THE ORTHODOX, CONSERVATIVE OR REFORM MOVEMENTS, RESPECTIVELY.
