Question: My fiance and I want to get married on a Saturday in the late afternoon (during Shabbat). We do not have any issues with this choice as we do not keep Shabbat. We are both Jewish. My father is orthodox and told us attending our wedding would be sacrilegious and would violate the sanctity of Shabbat, so he is not attending. He is not giving any reason beyond that. Is there anything in scripture that truly states a father cannot attend the wedding of his daughter if it is on Shabbat?
This entire conversation has little to do with halacha and much do with the family dynamics. If either you or your father were talking with one another rather than at one another, I am sure that a solution could be found. Who is officiating at the wedding? Are you, your fiance, and your father/parents able to meet together and discuss these issues with the officiant? This is your wedding, and I respect your right to make choices, but there are consequences to all decisions.
Bluntly, from a halachic perspective, a wedding on Shabbat is not a wedding. It does not have legal standing. Your father is concerned that your wedding would not be traditionally legitimate and that you would not be considered married according to Jewish law. Signing the Ketubah itself would be a violation of the laws of Shabbat. Without speaking to him, that may be his largest concern, but the secondary concerns would be travelling to the wedding on Shabbat, eating at a non-kosher reception, music on Shabbat, photography on Shabbat and the numerous other Shabbat challenges of a Saturday wedding.
It seems that you and your family need to have an honest conversation. If you want him to attend, you would need to discuss if there are ways for him to walk to the venue, provide kosher meals, etc, etc. If you really want him to attend, you would see if the timing could be shifted a few hours later. There is room for compromise on both sides, but only if both admit that they are focusing on their own needs rather than the others. Yes, a wedding is YOUR day, but it is also a day when families come together to honor and respect the newly merged family. Are there other family members who will not be able to attend because of the timing?
I am curious if you were raised Orthodox or if your father became Orthodox later in life. If the former, I would highly recommend some family therapy for all involved, to discuss the relationships. If your father became Orthodox later in life, then a conversation with a rabbi might help explain his concerns. I wish you and your fiance mazal tov on your upcoming nuptials. I pray that you can work together to find a way to celebrate with your entire family.
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Question: If a Jewish woman has cancer, is it acceptable for her to freeze her eggs so she can still have children?
If this question is not just hypothetical, I wish a refuah sheleimah, a complete healing to the person the questioner is writing about.
As a rabbi, it is always nice to get a question which can be answered with an unequivocal YES.
One might follow-up with questions about IVF or other assistive reproductive techniques which would be required to turn those frozen eggs (or embryos-depending on methodology) into healthy children. The answer to those questions would also be yes! As Jews, we strongly support the creation of new life and new Jewish babies. The Conservative Movement even has a rabbinic paper encouraging families to have more children than they might otherwise consider. (http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/sites/default/files/public/halakhah/teshuvot/20052010/mitzvah_children.pdf)
I wish you much success with treatment, recovery and family-building--all in their proper time and place. I pray that you and your family will have the strength and patience to journey successfully through this challenging time. Know that their is a light at the end of the tunnel and I commend you for thinking about your future, even when one might be afraid to imagine that far ahead!
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Question: I'm curious about what Judaism says. William Shatner was being criticized for not attending the funeral of his best friend, Leonard Nimoy. Mr. Shatner said he couldn't come due to attendance at a charity event in Atlanta on the same day (he had committed to attend to help raise funds). His daughters did attend the funeral in his place (as his representative). Since i grew up believing that Tzedakah is important (Hadassah Life Member) and sending a representative is acceptable, and I know that both men are Jewish, I wanted to know what the proper behavior would have been, and if the criticism is warranted. Thank you.
Short answer: No one should be criticized for attending or not attending a funeral.
Long answer: As a rabbi and a Jewish chaplain, one of the lessons I have learned is that one’s presence can be far more important than anything that is said. Simply showing up is a great mitzvah. Yet, as our grandmothers taught us, “Mit eyn tokhes ken men nit tantsn af tsvey khasenes. (You can't dance at two weddings with one behind.)” We can only be at one place at a time. The challenge is what to do when we have competing priorities and values. Does Judaism have something to say there?
In the Talmud, Ketubot 17a, it says that a wedding takes precedence over a funeral, that we reroute the funeral procession so as not to disturb a wedding procession. Studying Torah, a major mitzvah, is interrupted to attend a wedding or funeral. Yet with entire tractates of Talmud devoted to upholding promises and following one’s word, a promise to attend an event, especially a charity event would not be something one should quickly abandon. In our tradition, a representative can fulfill a commandment on behalf of someone else, as a legal proxy. As such, sending a representative and attending the charity event is entirely within religious grounds.
In Judaism, an important principle is showing kavod habriut, respect for other people. Publicly embarrassing people might even be considered a cardinal sin. Doing so is considered worse than murder, for murder you die once, public embarrassment you die over and over!
The long answer and the short come to the same conclusion. Mr. Shatner did nothing wrong. He weighed his options and did the best he could. The error lies with those that choose to publicly shame him for his heartfelt consideration (not that I want to shame them!)
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Question: My mother (Christian) lives in a Jewish assisted living home. We picked it based on quality of care, elder values, and proximity to our family. My mom just asked if it was ok to put her Christmas wreath on her door this Christmas. It's March so I guess she is thinking ahead. ;) Would this be disrespectful? While Jewish at its core, it is still an equal housing facility. What should she do? My mom is 92 and I am typing this question for her on that internet thing. LOL.
Your mother sounds like a very considerate and kind woman. How nice of you to assist her, demonstrating your own care for her and demonstrating her values. It is very respectful of her to ask permission, rather than simply to put the decoration on the door. I do not think it is inherently disrespectful to hang a wreath in a Jewish assisted living home. At the same time, many places may limit door decorations of all kinds. Many places suggest that decorations be placed within the apartment, so to keep public spaces more neutral. Without knowing the policy of the home, I cannot speak to the need to ask for an exception. On a practical level, she might ask for a temporary exception for a few days, which they may be more likely to grant than for three months.
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Question: What is the Jewish perspective on genetic sex selection of children? Would the latitude (if any) given to genetically select against diseases apply to selecting for desired properties like intelligence or height?
Within it, he discusses a range of issues, including the questions at hand. His conclusions include:
“A couple at an increased genetic risk of bearing a child with a genetic or chromosomal disorder
may employ PGD when all the following criteria are met:
a) the child will very likely manifest the disease should it be carried to term
b) the disease is fatal or associated with a severely debilitating condition
c) the disease has no effective therapies at present. “
and on our subject:
“PGD for other purposes such as to select the sex of a child or to choose other traits is not
permitted. “ (Ibid.)
The simple answer is that the Jewish perspective on genetic sex selection of children is a violation of halacha and morally unacceptable. The National Institute of Health has a paper discussing two very specific cases where Orthodox rabbis did allow for sex selection (both in cases where a sperm donor was required). (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3455094/). As a Conservative Rabbi, neither of those cases would allow for permission in my view, yet that is because I have a difference of opinion with the cited rabbis and couples on their need for sex selection in the first place!
No latitude given to select against terminal genetic diseases would allow for selecting properties such as intelligence or height.
As I opened, this is a complex issue and deserves specific attention to a specific case. There are other values at play that would allow for broader permission knowing the circumstances of the questioner. For example, Rabbi Avram Israel Reisner of the CJLS offered an “ideological dissent” from Rabbi Popovsky’s paper, arguing that more considerations should be allowed and would allow for a broader allowability of disease avoidance and trait selection.
While the codes of Jewish law are helpful in this query, the case is even more important. Thus a clear no to an internet query might be turn into a yes, if the details were hashed out.
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Question: My mom says that I am mean to my sister, but it doesn't seem that way to me. Can you please advise? [JVO Kids:4-6]
I am proud of you for asking this question. A lot of times we get caught up in our own lives and it is hard to see the choices we make can hurt others. I do not know how old you are, but try thinking about if you were in your sister's shoes. Would you want her to treat you the way you treat her? Would you want her to talk to you the way you are talking to her?
In the Talmud, there is a story of a very famous rabbi named Hillel. One day someone came to him and asked for Hillel to teach him the entire Torah while standing on one foot. (It sounds kind of funny, but the guy was being mean to Hillel!) Hillel responded: "What you do not like done to you, DO NOT do that to others! This is the entire Torah and the rest is commentary: Go and learn!"
Hillel shows us the golden rule, but by using a negative form, it is even more clear! If you would not want your sister to talk to you the way you talk to her, then your mom is right. Even if your sister is being mean to you, too; you will be happier if you are even nicer to her!
If we look at the stories of Genesis, we see that it is in the nature of siblings to get on each others' nerves, at times. A lesson we can learn though, is that at the end of the day, our siblings should always be there for us. This might take five years or twenty years to see, but one day we realize that all of our childhood fighting and sibling rivalries are silly and that our brothers and sisters are the best friends we can have.
The key phrase of your question is "it doesn't seem that way to me" Maybe it doesn't seem mean to you--but it MIGHT seem mean to your sister. I hope this helps.
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Question: Sometimes I feel that there are so many details in Jewish law that it is impossible to follow them all. Nobody can. So everybody fails at something (at least) sometime. Are we then all "sinners"? How can we live with constant failure?
In many ways, I think this is one of the classic questions of life, law and Judaism. How can we live with constant failure?
I think the classic answer is another question: is the glass half full or half empty? Do we look at this as constant failure or constant success?
The ritual mitzvot (commandments) are essential to our lives. Keeping kosher, observing Shabbat and festivals, praying regularly bring great meaning to our souls. They structure our lives and help us find balance in a world always leading towards excess. They teach us that we are most happy when we are happy with what we have, yetalso remind us that there is always more we can strive for--not just materially but spiritually. Many of these mitzvot we might classify as bein adam l’Makom, between a person and GD.
Yet there is another entire section of mitzvot--those bein adam l’chavero, between an individual and his friend. This includes vast sections of Jewish law--business ethics, familial ethics, sexual ethics, and more general interpersonal relationships. Jewish law teaches us that we must be honest in our business dealings (that we are forbidden to have two sets of weights and measures--or two sets of books). We are commanded to love our neighbors and not to stand idly by if they are in danger. Jews are to treat one another with respect. In all of these departments, we probably fulfill many mitzvot we never even knew were mitzvot!
Whenever someone introduces him or herself to a rabbi, the introduction often continues, “but I’m not religious.” I’ve heard this from doctors and garbage collectors, lawyers and airline ticket agents. Yet, many people picked careers that match their Jewish values. Reproductive specialists help couples fill the command to “be fruitful and multiply.” Lawyers are advocates for the poor and those that need help. Garbage collectors remove that which is disgusting from our homes, allowing us to pray and eat in places that do not smell terribly.
To be technical, we do all sin at times, but we also do many, many more mitzvot. In the Aseret Hadibrot, the Ten Commandments, it says that Gd visits iniquity to the third and fourth generation of those that hate GD, but shows mercy for a thousand generations to those that love GD and keep the commandments. In GD’s great mercy, we are given opportunity to atone--every day and on Yom Kippur. We acknowledge our shortcomings, reminding GD that we are imperfect and must be judged on the scale of the imperfect.
I want to end with two Hassidic tales:
A chassid once asked his rebbe, "why should wepray on Yom Kippur, after all, we will inevitably sin again." In response, the rebbe asked him to look out the window behind him. Outside there was a toddler who was just learning to walk. "What do you see?" asked the rebbe. The disciple replied, "I see a child, standing and falling," Day after day the chassid returned to witness the same scene. At the week’s end, the child stood and did not fall. The child’s eyes expressed the achievement of having attained the impossible. "So with us," said the rebbe. "We may fail again and again, but in the end, a loving God gives us the opportunities we need to succeed."
Another classic story. Reb Zusha was on his death bed, and he had tears streaming down his face. "Why are you crying?" asked his disciples. "If God asks me why I was not like Moses or Maimonides," answered Reb Zusha, "I will say, I was not blessed with that kind of leadership ability and wisdom." But I am afraid of another question," continued Reb Zusha, "what if God asks, Reb Zusha, why weren’t you like Reb Zusha? Why did you not find your inner being and realize your inner potential? Why didn’t you find yourself? That is why I am crying!"
Of the 613 mitzvot, many require the Temple, the ability to offer sacrifices. For those, we have alternate paths, we remember the Temple, we recite the sacrifices. Yet there are other mitzvot that we can fulfill. We must continue to try to fulfill all the ones we can. We must continue to try to be the best people we can be. We must treat each other with love and respect. We must remember that we will fail, but like the toddler, we must get up again and keep trying. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity! The glass is half full.
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Question: Are there Jewish values about being a vegetarian (not killing animals)?
Are there Jewish values about being a vegetarian (not killing animals)?
While many Jews today see eating meat as a mitzvah on Shabbat and Festivals, in Bereshit, in the beginning, Gd only gave Adam vegetables and fruit! Genesis 1:29:
“Every moving creature that lives, is your for food. Just like the green vegetation, [that I had already given to you.] I have no given you everything for food.”
This is immediately limited with the next verse prohibiting eating the blood, the life-blood (áÀÌðÇôÀùÑåÉ ãÈîåÉ). Thus, even with this new permission to eat meat there is limitation. Animals cannot be wantonly slaughtered, but killed only for permitted purposes--ie, to eat.
When we receive Torah at Sinai, this permission is limited with the principles of kashrut: only certain animals, no life-blood. Additionally, we are commanded to slaughter in the most humane way (at the time), the most painless way and to ensure that we do not eat blood, the spiritual essence of the animal.
Thus we can see that the original intent for humans was for us to be vegetarians, but due to our bloodlust, we were reluctantly permitted to eat meat.
The challenge for the observant Jew comes from a common paraphrase Talmud Pesachim 109a. One frequently hears “ein simcha ela b’basar V’yayin” (there is no celebration without meat and wine. This is frequently understood to mean that holiday meals are REQUIRED to have meat and wine. Yet, a closer reading of that text shows that for today, the meat was a requirement in Temple times, but that only wine (or grape juice) are required today.
To make a short story long, there are definitely Jewish sources for vegetarianism. While there are some that suggest meat is required for simcha, for happiness on special occasions, a closer reading of sources demonstrate that this is not in fact, the case. Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 529:1 teaches that we must have celebratory meals on Shabbat and Yom Tov, but does not require meat at those meals.
Furthermore, one could go into questions of tsar baalei chayim, the undue suffering of animals (a prohibition), or into the requirements to keep ourselves healthy--which more studies are showing that vegetarians have fewer heart attacks and other medical conditions. Thus there are many places to show Jewish values in vegetarianism.
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Question: Is a Jewish parent required or obliged by Jewish law or Jewish values to leave anything to their children in their will?
At my first read of this question, my first choice is to look in the Rabbinical Assembly’s new guide for Jewish living and halacha, The Observant Life: The Wisdom of Conservative Judaism for Contemporary Jews, edited by Rabbi Martin Cohen. There from pages 590 to 605, I find a chapter on “Bequests and Inheritance.” I would like to begin with its conclusion, discussing ethical wills. Based on that section, I would say that a parent is obliged to leave their children a record of their values, a legacy of instruction and teaching. Whether audio-visual, written, or any other modern form, sharing teachings and ideas, the “kernels of wisdom and experience” gained over a lifetime should be shared with one’s descendants (p.603). It is a good idea to work on this task every few years, to start while one is younger and to reconsider, expand, edit, as one ages. Looking at our Torah, we see our ancestors received not only financial inheritance but “blessings” from their parents. There is even a midrash that says our central prayer, Shema, is Jacob’s children telling him that they will not forget the Gd of Israel, nor their responsibilities as Israelites and Jews.
Regarding the question at hand, while we have records of ethical wills, the Jewish tradition assumes that a person loses ownership of property when he/she is deceased. At the same time “it is a mitzvah to honor the wishes of the dead” (p. 596). From the standpoint of traditional Jewish law (discussing a married man with children), when a man dies, his estate’s debts are settled, including the Ketubah to his wife, followed by a double portion of the remaining estate to the firstborn son, then the estate is split among other sons. Daughters did not inherit directly, unless there were no sons. (That we learn from the story of Tzelofchad’s daughters in Numbers 27:1-11). At the same time, it is perfectly acceptable for someone to give gift’s while he/she is living, which has been the traditional way of ensuring (in the modern context) that daughters get their fair share. Additionally, one could structure his/her estate in such a way to ensure fair distribution of assets among all children, by creating debts to the children that would be repaid at death, allowing all children/inheritors to receive their share, before the property is otherwise divided. As such, the firstborn could receive a double-portion of what remained, but since the others had already received more, they would end with equal shares. See discussion of firstborn son on p. 598-599 and the subsequent discussion of gender inheritance.
According to traditional Jewish law, yes, an individual is obliged to leave their children an inheritance. Yet, this is a qualified yes. A person could give away all/most of his/her property before he/she died. In this way, the children would inherit whatever little or nothing was left from the estate. Ask yourself though, is this a correct or ethical action? Many wealthy individuals, such as Bill Gates and Warren Buffet have pledged to give away the vast majority of their fortunes to charities, not to merely pass along their wealth to their children. In this way, they demonstrate their commitment to the world, to their values, and teach a great lesson to their children. If you are discussing this situation, I would support your decision. If you are trying to spite your children, I would be far less comfortable with the situation!
On my second read of this question, I wondered about its context. Why would someone want to disinherit his/her children? Is there a split/feud that could possibly resolved? Again, speaking to a rabbi to discuss the situation in more detail would be ideal. I wish you blessing in your search for answers and pray that you will find wholeness with your family and with Gd.
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Question: My uncle's family is holding a one-year memorial and stone unveiling honoring my uncle... on Yom Kippur! I was not close to my uncle but my mother was, and she is urging me to go to this event. I am thinking I should be at services, including yizkor to honor my father, whom I was extremely close with. They are even planning to make it into a celebration of my uncle's life and have food afterwards. My uncle was Jewish and my mom is, but these family members arranging the event are not. What are the principles I should consider and is there a clear imperative in what I should do? What would Jewish law and thought tell me is the way to proceed?
Before beginning, have you asked them if they could move the memorial one day earlier or later? Is your uncle buried in a Jewish cemetery? If so, they may find the gates locked on Yom Kippur, as no one will be working to unlock them.
If I were in your shoes, I cannot imagine going to an unveiling and meal on Yom Kippur. The proper memorial for your uncle would be to say Yizkor for him, as well as your father, in synagogue on Yom Kippur. Fasting and prayer go together. If you are with non-Jewish relatives who will not be fasting, it will make your fast far more difficult, as well as take you away from the spirit of the day.
Yom Kippur is clearly an important and holy day which includes aspects of repentance, prayer, fasting, and also great joy. It is not appropriate to be in a cemetery on such a day, much less have an unveiling on that date.
As a side note, if you offer to host the meal after the unveiling, they might be more receptive to change. I would hope that once they understand that it is not appropriate to have an unveiling on Yom Kippur for a Jewish man, they would move the ceremony.
In short, Step 1: Ask them to move it. If they say yes, great! Step 2: If they are committed to that date, apologize that you will be unable to join them and go to synagogue instead. There you can offer Yizkor prayers for your uncle, as well as your father. p.s. Doesn’t your mother want you in shul saying Yizkor for her late husband??
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Question: Do women have the same obligation as men in regards to daily prayer in Judaism?
Do women have the same obligation as men in regards to daily prayer in Judaism?
The short answer is unequivocally yes. The long answer is maybe.
In the Conservative Movement, numerous conversations have been had about the role and status of women in Judaism. These conversations have followed trends in feminist thought, modern society and a careful consideration of Jewish sources. Many of these conversations were had as a part of the discussion of could women be rabbis. While the traditional function of rabbi was as religious decisor, the modern function frequently includes leading prayer. Thus within Conservative Judaism, there was a concern of ordaining women as rabbis, if they could not perform the modern functions of a rabbi. Many conversations, papers, and rabbinic responsa (tshuvot), were written to discuss this matter. While in many Orthodox circles, women are not considered to have identical obligations as men to daily prayer, they are STILL obligated to pray daily. Today MOST Conservative rabbis would argue that women ARE obligated to pray thrice daily in the same manner as men.
In the Bible, there are few conversations explicitly about prayer, per se, but one of our first examples of prayer is with Hannah praying for the birth of a son. The High Priest, Eli, seems to have been confused by this type of prayer and wonders if she is drunk (Samuel chapter 1). Thus, women are essential in our thoughts about the power of prayer.
Women, slaves and minors are exempt from reciting Shema and from Tefillin, AND ARE obligated to prayer (the Amidah), hanging Mezuzot, and saying Grace After Meals.
There are rabbinic debates in the Talmud and later sources about the levels of obligations as determined by these verses. A major question is about which of these things are “time-bound commandments” and which are not. In traditional understandings of Halacha, women are not required to do “time-bound commandments”, while men are.
As I mentioned before, this question does not have a straightforward answer. Below are many sources that can help you continue the discussion.
From the Jewish Women’s Archive: “Despite later misunderstandings, Maimonides states clearly that women are obligated in both biblical and rabbinic prayer forms (MT Prayer 1:1–2, 6:10, commentary Mishnah Kiddushin 1:7). He states that women are obligated to say grace after meals,and are therefore alsoobligated to make a Zimmun (the joint invitation to recite grace whenever three or more people have eaten bread together). However, since Maimonides is unsure if women’s obligation in grace is biblical, he rules that women can only invite other women to say grace but not men.“ http://jwa.org/encyclopedia/article/maimonides
To investigate further into women’s obligation to pray, be ordained as rabbis, and serve in other liturgical roles, one might consider reading:
For about a decade, Rabbi Joel’s Roth’s position was the accepted position of JTS, saying that women were obligated to prayer, but not to the same level as men. For them to have the same level, they needed to make a vow saying that they wanted to be equally obligated. His position can be found in the book above and at: http://www.jtsa.edu/prebuilt/women/roth.pdf In the mid-90s, Chancellor Schorsch began following the position of Rabbi Judith Hauptman and others who felt that women were equally obligated and did not need to make such a vow. Rabbi Judith Hauptman: “Women and Prayer: An Attempt to Dispel Some Fallacies” Judaism 42 (1993): 94-103. Available at: http://www.ohelayalah.org/wp-content/uploads/article.pdf
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Question: What does Judaism say about dating? In modern society people commonly lead to marriage through dating. Is there a different prescribed method in Judaism?
[Administrators note: See also related JVO question: http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=618]
What does Judaism say about dating? In modern society people commonly lead to marriage through dating. Is there a different prescribed method in Judaism?
One beautiful aspect of this site is that people ask questions they might not feel comfortable asking in person. This is a great example. I think my answer reflects my Conservative context, in that I say, “It’s complicated!” To further complicate, I think the answer to this question needs more context. Are we talking about teenagers? College students? Young adults? More mature adults? Are we talking dating for marriage or casual dating? Are you trying to cultivate lasting friendships? Lasting relationships? Sex?
There is a midrash in Bereshit Rabbah that among the myriad actions of Gd, Gd’s major current activity is making matches. According to tradition, it is as difficult as splitting the sea during the Exodus!1 For those dating in the modern world, they certainly understand Gd’s challenge.
Secular literature suggests the more you know yourself, the better your chances of finding someone that compliments you. I would suggest thinking about yourself. What are your goals in life? What are your goals in dating? Where do you see yourself in five, ten, fifteen years?
In answering this question, I thought of two helpful resources, one new and one not so new. The Rabbinical Assembly of the Conservative Movement has recently published The Observant Life: The Wisdom of Conservative Judaism for Contemporary Jews. Within it, Rabbi David Fine writes an essay about “Marriage,” which includes a section on choosing a life partner and Rabbi Jeremy Kalmanofsky wrote about “Sex, Relationships and Single Jews”. Both are very helpful in considering this issue. It is available in Hardcover and for the Kindle.2 I also remembered a fascinating article by Rabbi Arthur Green published in The Second Jewish Catalog about Sex and Sexuality from the mid 1970s.3
In the Talmud and most of Jewish tradition, the assumption is that sex and marriage go together. As such, the best way to control the sexual urge was to marry at a relatively young age, in their upper teenage years. See for example, p. 635 in The Observant Life, citing Kiddushin 29b. The challenge for modern Jews is that we tend not to get married at 17, but a decade or two later. Can we reasonably expect people to be entirely sexually abstinent for such a long period of time? Classically, the answer is absolutely, but that does not help everyone. Most traditional sources see having multiple partners as licentiousness, which is not exactly a positive view! As such, the books I reference both discuss ideal and less ideal, lechatchila and b’dievad. They discuss the possibility of a sliding scale, that there are more ideal and less ideal choices regarding interactions, relationships and sexual activities between unmarried couples. I would highly suggest reading the three articles I references for more information on that subject.
In short, Judaism has much to say about sex and relationships, but classically little to say about dating. In some Orthodox contexts, people continue to use shadchanim or matchmakers, and then get married within a few months of meeting. In most Reform, Conservative, and less ultra-Orthodox settings, people meet through friends, Jdate, other dating websites, or shared interests and activities. People date for months or years until they believe they are mutually compatible and marry. One thought, if you have been together for more than a decade and are still if you want to get married, that is probably a sign that you do not!
Whatever the reasons for your question, whatever age you are, I pray that when the time is right you will meet the person that compliments you, that makes you the best you you can be, that is your helpmate, and for whom you can leave your parents and cleave to for life!
3:“A Contemporary Approach to Sexuality”, by Arthur Green in The Second Jewish Catalog
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Question: I recently lost my 23 year old son to an unintended drug overdose. My family is all beyond consolation. He did not "appear" to have a drug problem. He was living with his family post-college, in which he did well. He never pushed himself or really had goals, but he was so bright he always excelled. He held down a full time job after graduation, but he was caught 6 months ago stealing medication and other things in the home. He constantly lied to everyone. He started taking substances in his room and appearing "totally wasted". I started to get into conflicts with him over this not being acceptable. I consulted experts about what I should do. For his stealing I wanted him to show remorse and take responsibility for his actions by helping people less fortunate than himself - I wanted him to do do volunteer work at a hospice for people dying of AIDS, to maybe lessen his selfish self-destructive behavior, and because I thought he might learn what the fruits of drug abuse are. My wife said I was too severe on her baby,and a hospice was depressing.
I wanted him to get in touch with Jewish culture and values. My wife laughed at me.
I arranged for him to see a psychiatrist, but she did not learn enough about him in 6 months to help him.
I am furious at my wife for undermining my efforts to help him. No one will know if my efforts would have have helped. But maybe they would.
My wife refuses to say she might bear any responsibility for what happened because she sabotaged my efforts to help him.We have been married 35 years and have one living child, a 21 year girl who is much that our son was not. More pious than me. A scholar who hopes to go soon to medical school. She studied Hebrew and Yiddish and speaks to family in Yiddish. I know that I am just so angry, etc.
Am I being unfair to my wife? Does it make any difference if she takes responsibility for prior actions? Unfortunately, it was never her nature to own up to the things she did.
What should I do now?
Baruch Dayan Haemet. Even in the worst of times, we praise Gd as the Judge of Truth. In this case, it seems that the quest for truth may be interfering with the Jewish goal of Shalom Bayit, peace in the home or peace between spouses. In trying to place blame, in trying to create responsibility the conflict may be exacerbated. I wish your family comfort and strength in this very challenging time.
For most people, grief is a complicated process that includes powerful emotions. You did not mention if your family sat shivah or if anyone is regularly attending minyan and saying Kaddish for him. Many people find that by feeling obligated to regularly attend services, they find themselves in a group of caring people, many of whom have also lost relatives. By observing the Jewish mourning traditions, we may find consolation and comfort through community, ritual and Gd.
Grief is not a linear process. It does not necessarily go clearly stage by stage, although such models help us to conceptualize it. We may have good days and bad days or more accurately pleasant moments and difficult moments. Allowing ourselves time to grieve is not a bad thing! The challenge in this case seems not only to be grief, but your relationship with your wife. It seems that previous communication issues in your relationship have grown larger with the loss of your son. When couples lose children, challenges in their relationship frequently become larger, and if not addressed, can continue to fester.
Only you can answer if you are being unfair to your wife. Will it change your feelings for her, with her or towards your son if she “takes responsibility”? You say it is was “never in her nature to own up to things”. You write this as if it is an old problem. Has it only begun to bother you? Do you take responsibility for your actions at home? Could you be projecting your own challenges on to her? Sometimes when we are angry at ourselves, we can place blame on others? You wish that you could have done more for your son and so perhaps, you are angry at your wife that she, too did not do “enough”. The challenge is, that sometimes, nothing we do is “enough”. You and your wife might have done everything “right”, and your son might still have overdosed. Holding yourself and your wife responsible may only cause both of you more pain.
It seems to me that it would be helpful for you and your wife to discuss these issues more openly in some sort of counseling or therapeutic setting. Have you spoken to your rabbi? Have you considered couple’s or marital counseling? Even if your wife does not want to join you in therapy, perhaps you might consider going alone. It seems like you might benefit from having a safe space to express your emotions.
I am also a little concerned about your language regarding your daughter. For her sake, please do not overwhelm her with expectation. That can be a very heavy burden for one who has lost a sibling. Allow her to set and reach her own goals, not yours.
In short my advice to you: 1. Don’t try to blame yourself or your wife for missed and lost opportunities. 2. Find appropriate therapy/counseling (whether rabbinic or secular) for you and your family. 3. Allow yourself to grieve, without placing blame on yourself or others.
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Question: Is it right for a Jewish Orthodox organization, outside of Israel, to demand that a non-Jewish organization accommodate their religious requirements? Should a boys' basketball team forcefully request a non-Jewish state-sponsored basketball league to change the playing schedule to accommodate their need not to play on Shabbat?
As a Conservative Jew, observant of Shabbat and Festivals, I would support a Jewish organization’s right not to play on Shabbat or Festivals. The questions of whether it is right to demand that the organization accommodate their religious requirements is a completely different question. My prayer is that in the coming years, organizations will be more respectful of the different religious holidays and sabbaths of their members. As such, this question would not be necessary, as the organization would first ask the teams what their availability was, rather than the other way around. The example given was of the Texas Beren Academy, who were asked to play on Shabbat and were not given an alternative playoff time until parents sued in federal court for a restraining order. At which point, TAPPS, the Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools, gave an alternative time for their semi-final game. According to the TAPPS website, the boys made it to the final game and then lost 42-46. Win or lose, a great achievement! In my personal opinion, I believe that Jewish organizations have the right to request for accommodations, but I do not necessarily feel that we have the right to demand. I think it was appropriate to have a media campaign to ask for the right to play, but I am not convinced a federal lawsuit was necessary. At the same time, I am incredibly disappointed with TAPPS, that they could not accommodate the team without outside influence, nor did they accept the team’s initial appeal. It is sad that the national media campaign did not change their mind, but the threat of a lawsuit did. The other issue here is the question of contract law. When a school signs up to join an organization like TAPPS, they are joining a private organization with its own rules. By joining the association, they are accepting the rules, even if they are not fair. They can lobby to change those rules, but as a private organization, and not having a J.D., I do not know if a private organization is required to satisfy the religious needs of all its members. TAPPS was formed originally for Christian schools, partially to avoid games on their (Christian) Sabbath, Sunday. I would hope that an organization like TAPPS would accommodate an organization like Beren, but I do not see that they are legally required to do so. Beren is obligated to ask, as according to our tradition, while they might technically be allowed to play on the Sabbath, they would not be able to drive to the arena, buy food, properly dry off after washing, etc., or do any number of other things that are required for a championship game. I do not think it is wrong for them to demand, but neither do I see it is right.
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