Question: I'm a single male Jew, 35 years old, well established in my career. I am now at the point where I am considering dating for marriage. I know intermarrying is wrong. However, I am terrified of dating a Jewish girl for fear her family would inevitably discover my entire family is dead, and that I would be by definition be a poor choice for suitor into any good family. All grandparents are dead. My father died of old age, my mother and sister committed suicide (presumably due to abuse by father). I've had my share of abuse by father as well, which has affected me.
I've been nonobservant and have not gone to synagogue for the entire past decade just to avoid being reminded of the hurt.
I've engaged in a lot of therapy, which has helped me to hear, an that is why I am even considering dating at all.
Do I just throw up my hands, tell myself I am not fit to marry, and just live for work? Or would the other side be at all understanding of my background and situation?
What should I do and how can I balance the mitzvot to marry and have a family, against my situation which makes me question if I can be a decent spouse and parent and fulfill the obligations to a family?
First, let me express my sadness at hearing of your difficult family history and the deep respect I have for the work you have done to bring yourself to a place where you are ready to look toward marriage. The questions you ask are deeply personal, and I will do my best to offer guidance from Jewish tradition to encourage you to move forward in your search for a life partner.
Very directly, I do not think you should “just throw up my hands, tell myself I am not fit to marry, and just live for work.” The very fact that you now feel ready to date for marriage is proof enough that this is the direction your heart and soul are leading you in, and to deny that would be to deny an intrinsic part of yourself.
The Torah tells us, It is not good for the Human to be alone (Genesis 2:18), establishing the basic need for all people to have companionship. I believe it is precisely that need that you are feeling now as you consider marrying – the desire to have another person in your life who will love you and to whom you can give your love. That need is hard-wired in your soul, and to deny the longing that you clearly feel would almost certainly inflict a great deal of suffering upon yourself.
While I know that certain specific Jewish communities do scrutinize family background, outside of those particular communities I don’t believe Jewish women are any more particular about their potential partners’ family histories than non-Jewish women. In my community, there are many people who were orphaned, children of divorced parents, or who suffered abuse, and despite the apparent difficulties in their background found wonderful loving partners; I believe the same will be true for you, so long as you have the courage to continue moving forward in the face of your fears.
The right woman for you will love you not despite your family background, but with it and even because of it – because no matter how you grew up, you have done your own work to become the person you are today. And since the fact that you are asking this question suggests that one of the qualities that you value in a partner is a shared engagement with Judaism, I would encourage you to honor your personal values and seek a Jewish partner for marriage.
The question of whether you “can be a decent spouse and parent and fulfill the obligations to a family” is a question that almost every person – no matter what his or her family history may be – faces at some point. There is no reason to think that your personal history makes you any less qualified to be a “decent spouse;” that will be determined not by your past, but by your present and your future.
You are more than the accumulation of your past history; you are a beautiful soul, created in God’s Image, and deserving of love and companionship. I encourage you to be brave and seek the loving family you desire.
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Question: I have a question regarding my status as a Jew and whether it is proper to call myself one. My father is Jewish, my mother is not. I had a bris milah performed by a rabbi shortly after I was born, but was then raised Catholic by my mother.
I always identified with being a Jew and when people ask I answer affirmatively. I have made aliyah to Israel and am studying in ulpan if that makes any difference.
If I am not considered Jewish, I plan to undergo a recognized conversion. What is involved in that?
Hi, I have a question regarding my status as a Jew and whether it is proper to call myself one. My Father is Jewish, my Mother is not. I had a Bris Milah performed by a rabbi shortly after I was born, but was then raised Catholic by my mother. I always identified with being a Jew and when people ask I answer affirmatively. I have made Aliyah to Israel and am studying in Ulpan if that makes any difference. If I am informed that I am not considered Jewish I plan to undergo a recognized conversion and I wonder what is involved in that? Thank you, Sam
Sam,
Thank you for your openness and candor in asking your question.
As both of the other respondents have pointed out, halakhah recognizes as Jewish only those people who are born to a Jewish mother or have a halakhically valid conversion. While Reform rabbis changed their position on this matter in the early 1980s, Conservative rabbis continue to affirm only the traditional definitions of “Jewish” (http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/sites/default/files/public/halakhah/teshuvot/20012004/31.pdf).
That said, many people today find themselves somewhere “in between” – your father is Jewish but your mother is not; you had a bris but were raised as Catholic; and yet you identify was Jewish and have made aliyah.
The fundamental question you face is, what kind of recognition are you looking for? To be recognized as Jewish for the purposes of counting in a minyan in a Conservative synagogue, you would need a formal conversion; depending on the circumstances of your bris you may only need to undertake a course of study and go to the mikveh, but that determination would need to be made by the rabbis sponsoring your conversion. As you have already made aliyah, you know that according to Israel’s Law of Return you are considered Jewish with respect to citizenship; but you are also probably becoming aware that, for matters of personal status (including marriage), Israel’s Chief Rabbinate will not consider you “Jewish” and will not permit you to marry a Jew in Israel (marriages conducted abroad would still be recognized).
The legal issues around conversion in Israel are complicated, and you should consult a local rabbi to get up-to-date answers; in theory, Israel’s Ministry of Religion is supposed to recognize conversions performed by non-Orthodox rabbis, but in practice they often refuse to do so. If you would like to speak with a Conservative rabbi about your specific situation, the website of Israel’s Masorti Movement (http://www.masorti.org/) can help you find someone neaby.
Whatever direction you choose, I wish you success and blessing as you move forward.
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Question: How do Jewish values apply to this question, which appeared in the New York Times Magazine, Ethicist column. I am a single woman in my mid-20s. I recently learned from my dear friend that she has developed a longtime pattern of cheating on her husband of five years. I understand cheating happens for various reasons - but if I remain friends with her, am I condoning her ongoing behavior? If I am "anti-compulsive-cheating," do I therefore have to be "anti-her?" I value many aspects of our friendship, but don't see her (or my) views on philandering ever changing. What is the Jewish response to this?
One of life’s challenges is that we often find ourselves in relationship with people whose behavior we cannot condone. I can’t say that Jewish tradition offers a single unequivocal answer to this problem, but there are some key points that guide us to an answer:
Are you in any way helping your friend continue this behavior? Judaism forbids us to help others do things that are morally wrong – if they need your help to accomplish their misdeed, the tradition applies the verse, “Do not place a stumbling-block before the blind” (Lev. 19:14); but even if they could do it without your help, you are still forbidden to “Aid the hands of sinners.” If your friendship somehow aids or enables her behavior, you must find a way to cut off that aid, even if that means ending the friendship.
Are you likely to be influenced by her behavior? Social interactions can have a powerful influence on our behavior, and we must be careful not to enter into (or remain in) relationships that will lead us in a bad direction (See, e.g., Maimonides, Laws of Personal Character 6.1). In the present example, however, it sounds like you are extremely firm in your opinion about the wrongness of cheating, and would probably not be influenced.
Are you likely to have a positive influence on her behavior? The power of social interactions moves in both directions, and if your friendship with her might eventually lead her to improve her conduct – if not by direct persuasion, at least by personal example – then you have a moral obligation to remain in that relationship and continue to be a good influence (this is the implication of the story in the Babylonian Talmud, Sanhedrin 37b, in which Rabbi Zeira became friendly with the neighborhood thugs in order to influence them to change their ways).
I also think you need to consider carefully how you approach this issue within your relationship. The Babylonian Talmud (Yevamot 65b) instructs us, “Just as a person is obligated to give feedback when the other person will listen, a person is also obligated not to give feedback when the other person will not listen.” In other words, you should at least once make it clear that you do not condone this behavior; but if you are correct that your friend’s views will not change, you should not continue to attempt to persuade her otherwise.
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Question: I am an egalitarian male. I have a mezuzah and pair of tefillin written by a female scribe, who is perfectly kosher within my beliefs, but obviously wouldn't be kosher in Orthodox beliefs. When I get the mezuzah and tefillin checked, do I have an ethical obligation to disclose the fact they were written by a woman to the (presumably) male scribe doing the checking?
You have no obligation to disclose that your tefillin or mezuzah were written by a woman. When you give scrolls to a scribe for checking, you are asking for his or her expert opinion as to the validity of the form and content of the writing, as well as for an examination of the physical condition of the scroll and tefillin boxes – nothing more.
If you were selling or lending your tefillin to someone else, you would in that case have an ethical obligation to inform them that the scribe was a woman; since they will be using the tefillin to fulfill their personal mitzvah obligation, they have a right to know. But in the present case, the scribe is not asked to assess the overall validity of the tefillin, but only to verify that the physical objects themselves are suitable for use; the identity of the original scribe is irrelevant in that case.
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Question: When choosing between two food types, one of which is healthier than the other, does Judaism have anything to say about which to choose?
For example, I recently read a study (www.sciencemag.org) that wild salmon is much healthier and contains far less toxic organic contaminants than farmed salmon. As such, would it be a mitzvah to buy the wild salmon and not the farmed salmon? Further, how would it be treated (prohibited permitted, discouraged, or not addressed) in Jewish law to buy the farmed one?
Thank you!
As a rule, the Jewish tradition expects us to care for our bodies and take all reasonable measures to promote good health. As Maimonides wrote, “Whenever there is an impediment that threatens life, it is a mitzvah to remove or avoid that thing and to be very, very careful, as it says, Take care, and protect your life (Deut. 4:9). But if a person does not remove [the danger], and leaves in place impediments that threaten life – that person has both failed to fulfill the first mitzvah, and also violated the mitzvah of do not bring blood-guilt [upon yourself] (Deut. 22:8)” (Maimonides, Laws of Murder and Life-Saving 11.5).
Your question, however, suggests a less-obvious situation. If studies were to conclude that farmed fish directly or indirectly harms a person’s health, then the Jewish tradition might be inclined to prohibit eating such fish. In such matters, as in the case of smoking, rabbinic opinion will often defer to medical and scientific consensus.
But if studies merely showed that wild fish is the healthier of two reasonably healthy options, a prohibition on farmed fish would probably go too far; the Jewish tradition would encourage us to choose the more healthy option in all cases, but we are only required to avoid harm. In many cases, foods are fine in moderation but harmful when consumed in excess – alcohol is one example where Judaism permits a person to drink alcoholic beverages, and even encourages the consumption of wine for Kiddush and other rituals, while prohibiting drunkenness and abuse. Farmed fish might well fall into this category, where a moderate amount is fine but excess would be prohibited.
Financial considerations also play a significant role here. Our tradition has always been sensitive to the fact that one’s means often dictate one’s choices. Wild fish is generally healthier than farmed fish; but it is also significantly more expensive (the last time I checked at the store, wild salmon was more than twice the price of farmed salmon). If a particular person or family’s financial situation precluded the purchase of wild fish, we could not say that the Jewish tradition would require them to sacrifice other necessities or ask for charity funds rather than purchase farmed fish – particularly if farmed fish, while less healthy than wild fish, was still healthier than the other available options.
Judaism expects us take all reasonable measures to promote good health. We are prohibited from eating or drinking things that will harm our bodies, and we are encouraged to choose the healthiest options available. But the answer to your question will always rely on science and medicine as much as halakhah (Jewish law), because in matters of health rabbis always defer to medical opinion (see, e.g., Maimonides, Laws of Character 4.21). The case you describe, of farmed vs. wild salmon, falls into the category of personal practices about which the Jewish tradition offers guidelines – eat healthy, avoid harm, practice moderation – but no clear directives.
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Question: I got married in Jan, and lost a baby at the beginning of March. My husband left me mid-March. He owes me money; he is in a bad financial way, and I have basically supported him.
I paid for the wedding and basically paid for everything, even the rings. He's now refusing to give me a 'get' (a Jewish bill of divorce) [Administrators note: Making this person an Agunah - search for other questions on JVO using this term]. I'm am trying to get the rabbis to mediate, but he's turned vicious on me. I landed up in hospital with severe depression, and he basically said I was looking for attention. He's stalling the civil proceeding, but that's easy, its just this 'get' that I'm worried about. What can I do?
I got married in an Orthodox setting, but an issue is that I, not my husband, purchased the ring [used in the wedding]. Can I annul the marriage because it was not 'kosher' since he did not provide the ring for the ceremony? How can I proceed under Jewish law and according to Jewish values?
[Administrators note: Other questions on our website also touch on this subject. Please search for the term 'agunah' to find them.]
I am saddened to hear that you are facing such a difficult and tumultuous situation; the events you described are a lot to go through even over a period of years, let alone in a few short months. I encourage you to find a local rabbi who can serve as a spiritual support as well as guide you through the practical issues you raised in your question.
As far as the specific questions you raised regarding your husband’s refusal to grant a get and the possibility of annulment, the Conservative movement’s Committee on Jewish Law and Standards affirmed in 1981 that “opinions and decisions [related to divorce] should only be made by those who are thoroughly trained in the subject” (http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/sites/default/files/public/halakhah/teshuvot/20012004/22.pdf). For the Conservative movement, “those who are thoroughly trained in the subject” are the expert mesadrei gittin (“Divorce Arrangers”) trained by the movement and experienced in helping men and women through this difficult process, and as I am not an expert in this area I can answer your question in only the most general terms (a list of these mesadrei gittin world-wide, who would be able to provide specific advice on your situation, can be found at http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/jewish-law/mesaddrei-gittin).
First, it is important to acknowledge that, even in the best of circumstances, the process of obtaining a gett (Jewish religious divorce document) can take months or even years. This process will certainly take time, and the fact that it has gotten off to a rocky start does not necessarily preclude the possibility of a satisfactory ending. For instance, you indicated that your civil divorce is not yet finalized; but it is the practice of Conservative mesadrei gittin not to begin work on issuing a gett until the civil divorce decree has been finalized and judgment entered in the civil registry. This should not discourage you from seeking specific advice from a rabbi or mesader gett at this point, but I wanted to highlight that this process could take a good deal more time to resolve.
As you suggested, the question of who owned the ring at the time of the wedding ceremony might prove to be grounds for hafka’at kiddushin (literally, “uprooting of betrothal,” the Hebrew term for annulment); there may well be additional grounds to justify such a move. The mechanism of hafka’at kiddushin has been eloquently described elsewhere on this site by Rabbi Baruch Frydman-Kohl, and I recommend you look at his full answer there. In particular, he notes: “The Conservative movement has contended that ‘all who marry do so under the authority of the rabbis’ (Gittin 33a) and that if the supervising bet din were to remove that authorization because of the refusal of the husband to follow the directives of the rabbinic court, the marriage could be retroactively annulled (hafqa’at kiddushin)” (http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=275).
While the Conservative movement has accepted hafka’at kiddushin as a theoretically valid option for nearly fifty years, its application remains extremely rare. While precise statistics are not available, when I asked the mesader gett in my area how often he sees cases of hafka’at kiddushin he estimated that fewer than 1% of divorce cases in his experience have ended in hafka’at kiddushin; nearly all cases ultimately ended up with the husband granting the wife a gett. (The potential problems with hafka’at kiddushin, as well as the reasons for its infrequent application, are described in detail by Rabbi Frydman-Kohl in the answer cited above).
I hope that this and the other answers have reassured you that, in all movements, there are rabbis who have the will and the means to protect you from becoming an agunah; as that may take time, I wish you strength and patience to see the process through.
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