One of the pieces of Jewish tradition that I admire and respect the most is the customs and practices connected to death and dying.  In a word, it’s all about dignity.  When a person is dying, we do our best to keep them comfortable, free from pain and suffering, and surround them with friends and family who love them.  And when that person dies, we make sure to honor the deceased by taking the utmost care of the person until the funeral takes place.  For me, I think about the obligation in Judaism to bury through the lens of holiness and dignity. 

 

Jewish tradition teaches that each person has both a body and a soul.  Even after a person dies that person’s soul lives on forever, and it is the soul that makes each of us who we are.  In a way, our body was a gift from God for us to use while alive, but when we pass on, the body returns to God, as we learn in the Torah that just as “God formed human beings from the dust of the earth,” so too shall return to the dust of the earth through natural means (Genesis 2:7).  One of the main ways that we show kavod hamet, honor to the dead, is to take great care to bury our loved ones, allowing them to go back to God in a natural way.  The Torah teaches us, “By the sweat of your brow shall you get bread to eat, until you return to the ground – for from it you were taken” (Genesis. 3:19).  This is the basis for Jewish burial.

 

One of the other struggles that I have with cremation is connected to the Holocaust, a time in our history when the Nazis cremated our Jewish brothers and sisters as a way of disrespecting and showing no regard for us as human beings.  In this case, cremation was an act of hate, not only because of how the Nazi’s treated us because of our Jewish identities, but because of the lack of respect the Nazi’s showed even after our ancestors had tragically died. 

 

I think there is one more compelling reason why Jewish tradition speaks to burial.  In addition to honoring the deceased, there is also a certain level of sacredness given to those mourning the loss of a loved one.  Cremation in general, takes more time than burial.  Often times, when waiting many days and even weeks for cremation to take place, it is hard to allow the family to begin mourning the loss because the burial has not yet taken place.  In Judaism, burial takes place as soon as possible after a person has died, not only to honor the dead, but also to allow the mourners to begin grieving. 

 

While I don’t think that finding space for burial as an imminent problem, I agree that the cost of burial is significantly higher than a burial.  With that said, almost all communities have ways of supporting you and your family so that you can perform a Jewish burial without feeling the added financial burden during your time of loss.  I encourage you to talk with your rabbi, local Jewish funeral home, and look into a free loan burial to receive the support you need as a way of honoring your loved one. 

 

I pray that you and your loved ones live a long, healthy life, and that if God forbid you do face a loss of someone close to you, that you will be supported and comforted in your time of need, allowing both the deceased and those in mourning to be treated with the utmost dignity and respect.

 

 

 

Thanks for writing and Mazal Tov, Congratulations, on this upcoming lifecycle event. I want to thank you for willingness to ask about your role and your desire to find a meaningful way to participate in this important family milestone.  I think it’s wonderful that you want to be able to be a part of this event and to do so sensitively. 

 

I think it’s important that the parents talk with one another about the involvement of the stepparent well in advance of the lifecycle, especially if a biological father is still in the picture.  Similarly, I think it’s crucial that the parents (step-parents included) talk with the child about what he/she feels comfortable in terms of the stepparent’s involvement.  I do firmly believe that it’s possible for a non-Jewish parent/stepparent to participate in meaningful ways in all Jewish lifecycle events.  To do so, I encourage open dialogue and empathic listening between family members and with the clergy.  Start early and speak respectfully, not only toward one another, but also with a mindfulness of one another’s faith traditions.

 

For me, my personal rule of thumb is that it comes down to whether the role of the non-Jewish parent/stepparent is a “faith affirming” moment or not.  By that I mean that the non-Jewish parent/stepparent should not recite any blessing, Hebrew or English, that affirmed some aspect of Jewish tradition, be it the patriarchs/matriarchs, God, “chosenness” for our relationship with God through Judaism, etc.  Those honors are to be reserved only to the Jewish family.  If however, you found a reading/prayer that was non-faith specific, I would have no problem giving that to someone not of the Jewish faith.  In our community, the “Prayer for Peace” or the like is often reserved for those family members.  Similarly, I like to invite non-Jewish parents/stepparents to offer an English blessing to the child, a few words to them as they begin this transition into the next phase of their adult life.  For those who would like, when your child has his/her honor and reads from the Torah, I invite both parents to stand next to the child and witness the event firsthand.  This allows you to be there for this wonderful moment and be respectful to the tradition, all while having the role of being present as a parent and support system. 

 

I hope that this upcoming event is one of tremendous meaning for your entire family.  May it be an opportunity for your family to come together to celebrate and enjoy many more happy occasions to come.  Mazal Tov!

 

I want to first begin by thanking you for asking this question.  In doing so I think you have helped clarify for me that there is something deeper going on for you than simply finding the right questions to ask someone you’re dating.  Before you start thinking about what to ask another person about their beliefs, I would encourage you to do some soul searching.  More specifically, I think that it’s important for you to find meaningful answers for yourself about what you believe about Judaism, what role it has played in your life, how it impacts you at present, and how you envision it being a part of who you are in the future (family, children, professionally, etc.)  As important as it is to ask similar questions to your future partner as you search for compatibility, it might be even more critical to make sure you know what you believe before inquiring of another.    

 

As a Conservative Rabbi, I recognize the very real tension of encouraging endogamy on the one hand (Jews dating and marrying within the faith), and the fact that people are dating, falling in love with, and marrying people independent of faith.  Yet, faith always seems to reenter the scene as relationships develop, both intrafaith and interfaith.  At the same time, there seems to be some personal discomfort inherent in your question, specifically with regard to a crucifix, that is worth some additional self-exploration.  Perhaps it requires learning a bit more about the symbol, talking about it with your rabbi, friends, or family, or thinking more about why rituals and objects give you meaning, Jewishly or otherwise.  We often get in the habit of “doing” without understanding “why” we do.

 

If the time comes for you to ask questions, I would suggest that you ask broad, open-ended questions, that allow you to engage another person (yourself included) in conversation rather than closed, “yes” or “no” type questions.  Reflect on meaningful Jewish experiences you’ve had, why they were meaningful, and what role they have played in your own development not to mention your desire for them to be a part of your life in the future.  And if you were looking for three, I’d start with three questions or areas that Judaism holds in high regard: family, values, and aspirations.  In the realm of family, Judaism places high regard on teaching our children how to live, questioning/answering as well as living the tradition, and finding ways to really engage the family through ritual, holiday observance, and being a part of a community.  For me, values requires us to think about our priorities and the choices we make, insuring that we treat others with dignity (kavod) and respect, making ethical choices in business, in our spending habits, and in pursuing justice in our lives.  And aspirations speaks to our working toward a higher purpose (God/something Divine), tikkun olam, doing our part to heal the world that we live in through acts of kindness, compassion, having mercy on others, being forgiving, and pursuing peace.  First and foremost, start by answering for yourself, and I’m confident that you will receive the clarity and direction you need to move you and your relationship in the right direction.

Thank you for your question.  I appreciate your honesty in the struggle that you continue to experience in your life.  Before I respond to your questions, I’d like to encourage you to think more deeply about the following: Why is “fitting into your Judaism” so important to you?  What does feeling accepted look like?  While it sounds like the laws don’t necessarily resonate with you, you do find a personal meaning in some of the stories, customs, and rituals that are at Judaism’s core.  If we were talking together one on one, it would be as important for me to explore with you why you feel so strongly/passionately about wanting that connection and what it would look like and not simply having the recipe for how to get there.  Often times, answering the former leads to the latter.

 

I ask you to ponder these questions is because on the one hand you like being you, who you are, doing what you do, and not feeling restricted by religion or observance.  At the same time, there is obviously something deeper that draws you to your Judaism that compels you to feel accepted without wanting to fit in. 

 

From a Jewish legal perspective, Jewish identity is determined by your parentage.  In the more liberal streams of Judaism, the Reform Movement for example, as long as one of your parents is Jewish, you are Jewish.  In the more traditional streams of Judaism, Conservative and Orthodox, Jewish legal status is determined by matrilineal descent, meaning if your mother was Jewish, then you are Jewish.  Yes, there are Jewish legal definitions, but for now, depending on your personal beliefs and your own understanding of your Judaism, if you say you’re Jewish you’re Jewish.  Without placing a label on you, my sense is that you could find a connection to your heritage knowing that some would accept you as Jew unequivocally while others might not depending on who in your family is Jewish.  For now, how you identify yourself is probably the most important first step to having a more deeply rooted connection to your Judaism, be it religiously, culturally, spiritually, historically, in terms of narrative or customs.

 

I also wonder if there is something about your being Jewish and being Russian that draws you to having some semblance of connection to your heritage.  As you intimated, you have a strong connection to certain themes and stories in Judaism: feminism, the slavery to freedom motif of Passover, and the metaphor of the miraculous light of Hanukkah that burned perpetually when it seemed unlikely to last beyond a day.  The story of Judaism and of being a Russian is one of perseverance, overcoming adversity, strength, and courage.  In a way, embodying those qualities and characteristics is exactly what it means to be a Jew.  Drawing on our tradition in this way can help create an authentic relationship between you and your Jewish identity. 

 

Lastly, I think it is worth sharing that there are many parallels between Judaism and Buddhism.  Check out this LA Times Article or this one from ABC news from 2006.  And if you haven’t read it, I’d encourage you to read Rodger Kamenetz’s book The Jew and the Lotus.  In terms of prayer, often times it’s better to start with what moves your soul and your heart.  Liturgy aside, what do you pray for?  What do you hope for yourself, for others, for the world?  My guess is that starting with your own worldview will open new doors for your prayer life, and most likely, depending on what you feel best nourishes your soul, there is probably something in Jewish tradition/liturgy that I could point you to that might resonate more strongly than what you read at first glance in the prayer book.  Especially themes like peace, freedom, equality, identity, and the like.  Above all, seeing yourself as a Jew and living as a Jew, regardless of what other people say about you, requires that we treat others, our friends, our partners, our family, and those with whom we disagree and who disagree with us with respect and dignity.  What’s amazing about Judaism is that multiple opinions can coexist side by side about how we understand the tradition and how that tradition relates to our lives, not to mention how our lives fit in with Judaism.  Be patient with yourself as you continue on your journey, keep questioning, and appreciate that your willingness to explore is already a major step in the right direction toward finding how Judaism can fit into your life in a meaningful way.

First, let me say how hard this must be for you.  Divorce is so emotional and complicated on so many levels, and while it may be what’s best for a relationship, it does not necessarily relieve the pain that is caused as a result of going through the divorce itself.

 

It is incredibly difficult to try and heal the brokenness that has been created over the last 20 years, that of being estranged from your son, separating from your spouse, and having a child side with one parent over another.  There is no easy answer to your question.  One place to start is to try and explore for yourself why it is that you want to reconnect with your son.  Is there something you want to say to him, perhaps an apology or something that feels incomplete?  Why now?  Have you tried at some point over the last two decades to reach out to him?  If yes, what worked well and what did not?  I think it is always important to begin by exploring your motivation.  Remember, there is a chance that even though you want to see your son, that he may or may not want to see you.  So it’s incredibly important to understand your own desire for beginning the mending process of your relationship with him.   

 

In the Jewish tradition, the notion of teshuvah, of returning, of forgiving, plays a pivotal role in our relationships, in mending our connections with others, in starting anew with the hope that we’ve learned from our past.  What have you learned about yourself over the course of these years a part from your son?  How did you behave toward him during the divorce and in the years that followed?  What do you wish you had done better?  Often times we have to first begin by examining where we’ve come from in order to determine where we want to go.  Even if you are unable to repair the relationship with your son, is there a way you can grow personally from your past?

 

If you are able to make contact with your son, I wish you the blessings of patience and the ability to listen empathically.  I’m sure that you have things you want to say to him, 20 years of conversations that you’ve played out over and over again in your head.  Our instincts tell us to share everything in that moment.  What’s more challenging is to give your son the space to share how he feels, how he has experienced the separation, and what he needs in the moment.  Often times, sitting in silence can be profoundly meaningful, listening to the kol demama daka, the small still voice that exists within us, within the silence of listening and simply being present with your son. 

 

Lastly, don’t go it alone.  Seek support from loved ones, from friends, even from someone professionally like a therapist or a counselor.  It is crucial that you have the ability to process what you’re thinking before you reach out to your son and during the process of reconnecting.  Whether you succeed in your goals, come up short, or simply hit stumbling blocks along the way, part of your own healing can come from having someone to fall back on, someone who can lift you up if you fall.  This is an incredibly hard journey.  Going it by yourself can cause you even more pain than you’ve already endured.

 

Above all, follow your heart and keep an open mind.  May you be blessed with patience, the ability and willingness to listen to yourself and to your son, and the courage to face your fears as you embark on this journey toward healing.