Question: Children are commanded to honor their parents. How are parents commanded to treat their children? Is a parent who seeks to destroy their child through abuse still considered a parent?
{Administrator's Note: Related questions about honoring parents are found on JVO at:
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=546
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=132
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=160
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=1188]
The commandment to honor mother and father is, obviously, quite important in Jewish tradition as it is one of the 10 commandments that all of Israel heard directly from God at Sinai. In addition, unlike most of the 10 commandments (and most of the other 603 in the Torah) a direct consequence is given for those who follow the command – the ability to live long on the land that God is giving (i.e. the Land of Israel). Given these circumstances, then, it is certainly a reasonable proposition that one may only violate this commandment in extreme circumstances.
That said, there is a particular figure in the Hebrew Bible who is presented as one who walked in the ways of God while significantly distancing himself from his father. King Josiah ascended to the throne as a child of 8 years old after his father, Amon, was assassinated. Amon continued the ways of his own father, Manasseh, and continued the practice of idolatry as king. Josiah, however, went in a complete different direction – purging the Temple of idolatry and related practices. Certainly if he had meant to honor his father he would have not only continued idolatrous practice, but sought out revenge against those who killed his father. Yet, despite this dishonor of his father’s memory, the Book of II Kings (22:2) records that he was pleasing to God and did not deviate from the ways of King David (by this point in the Deuteronomic history David’s legacy had been scrubbed of the ugly Bathsheba episode).
From this, we learn that when one’s parent persists in an evil way, that one is not required to honor the parent any further. Certainly a parent who is abusive to a child (even an adult child) in physical, sexual or emotional ways, is committing an act of evil. If the abuse is physical or sexual, then the authorities should be contacted, without worry of violating this commandment. If emotional, a cutting off of the abusive parent(s) is also an appropriate action.
The Torah has little to say about how a parent relates to a child. In the few places it does it allows a large range of options – including taking a rebellious son to the courtyard of a town to have him stoned to death. That said, it is clear that those considered as good in the bible, do deviate from their parents ways and even separate themselves from their parents (consider Isaac after the binding episode – he never again interacts with Abraham).
In the end, the remnant of the obligation that exists even in the case of abuse, is that a child should see to it that his parents burial arrangements are made (Isaac does this for Abraham). This can be very challenging emotionally, but is often an important part of the healing process. In cases where the abuse is so extreme that the child is not even aware of the parent’s death, then even this obligation is considered waived.
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Question: My question is about the Jewish ethics of using a false identity to post comments on the web. In particular, if I want to comment on something posted (perhaps in a blog, or write a review of some book or product), am I acting ethically if I create a 'fake' name and use an email address that can't be identified as me? Is the answer different if I am writing critical things about a product or work, even if I am telling my actual opinion and/or experience with it? Does this change if I am writing comments telling people about my own work and encouraging them to go see it on another site, or praising things that I sell? What are the boundaries? I know there are some because I recall an incident in which an academic created false identities and praised his own work, while denigrating others' works, and that was thought to be unethical, if not illegal. What do Jewish values and ethics teach in this area? Is it ever okay to use an alias or false identity, and if so, what are the limits or boundaries?
The first value that comes to mind for me in reading this question is the principle of B’shem Omro – in the name of the one who wrote it. This principle, however, is more about plagiarism, that we as Jews may not pass off someone else’s own work as our own.
I would say that this principle applies to some extent in the example cited. In such a case rather than claiming work that is someone else’s, the academic in question refused to take ownership of his own criticism. Of course this would also violate the principle of LaShon HaRa – the spreading of gossip, whether true or not. If you are going to praise or criticize the work or product of a competitor or colleague, it would be important to identify yourself, or at least your potential bias (e.g. “I work for Coke, so take my opinion on Pepsi for what it’s worth…”) to avoid such ethical quandaries.
As for posting product reviews, where you would receive no benefit for posting a negative review, then it is not an issue of ethics as long as you are honest about your experience with the product and have in some way made the effort to follow the principle of Tokecha - rebuking your fellow. In other words just a anonymous complaint on line is not sufficient if you have not informed the merchant/manufacturer/service provider of the issue.
As for general chat rooms and discussion boards, including ones where customer complaints may be discussed, there is no issue with anonymity from a Jewish ethical point of view. In fact, it may be a Jewish value to remain somewhat or totally anonymous due to safety concerns as we know that there are plenty of “bad guys” lurking the internet who would use clues to your identity to try to commit criminal activity.
Therefore if your goal is to inform or even enter into discussion in a truthful way, there is no problem with anonymity. If you are being critical of a product of a competitor, it is best to reveal your identity to at least some extent to avoid the appearance of conflict of interest. If you are in academics, and are being critical of a colleagues work, then the principle of Tokecha – rebuking – comes into play, and for personal relationships that should always be done with full disclosure of identity.
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Question: Dear Rabbis,
I want to ask about the concept of resurrection.
Although it is not clearly stated or described in the Torah, the afterlife and resurrection of the dead has held an important position in (some of, at some times) Jewish belief and thought.
We know that some people die very young, and some very old, many in a very bad physical condition, unable to walk etc.
According to Jewish thought, in what condition will resurrection take place (if it does)?
Will someone be resurrected as an age 95 year old person who is unable to walk and disabled, or will it be as one in the full power of their youth, etc.?
Thank you in advance for your answer.
The Reform Movement, dating back to before it was written into the 1885 Pittsburgh Platform has long rejected the concept of physical resurrection. All our Prayer Books until the most recent Mishkan Tefilah eliminated reference to it and even in Mishkan Tefilah the use of the wording “Michayei HaMetim” – “who revives the dead” is only printed as a secondary option.
The reasons for the rejection of such a doctrine, in favor of a theology that endorsed the idea of eternal life for the soul, is multi-faceted. Mostly it is rooted in the rationalist philosophy of the Reform Movement that is still at the core of the movement today. The questions you ask are part of that rejection as well (since they are not definitively answered in our sources) as well as the idea that has crept into the resurrection theology of the bodies tunneling through the earth to the Land of Israel for resurrection.
Ultimately, it is not considered an important question to Reform Jews, or really many modern Jews. As Jews we don’t concern ourselves with the afterlife. What little we know about it is in our texts and that is very sparse in any detail. Rather we focus on this life and we know that if we live this life doing our best to do and understand God’s commandments in a way that brings honor to ourselves, to others and to God, that the afterlife will take care of itself.
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Question: I sometimes find it difficult to contain my emotions in front of my child when I feel that certain teacher’s methods for teaching are damaging my child’s “self esteem”. I don’t want to teach my child that it is okay to speak disrespectfully about their teacher; at the same time I don’t want my child to think that improper actions by a teacher are acceptable. Any tips?
As a congregational educator I deal with this type of situation on a regular basis. The Jewish values that are central in this situation are two: The responsibility to refrain from gossip and the responsibility to rebuke one’s neighbor.
Beginning with the latter, the first step is to speak calmly with the teacher, to let him or her know that your child’s performance is suffering because the teaching methods are not what your child responds to the best. Assuming the teacher is a professional, he or she will want an open discussion and will make sure that your child’s particular learning style and personality are accommodated in the classroom. It is possible that the teacher is using methods that he or she thinks work, but no one has ever pointed out a problem with it, so the teacher continues unaware of the effects.
If that does not create a difference, it is important to go to the administration and discuss the situation. This is where the Jewish value of not gossiping comes in. It is important to make the discussion with the administration about the method, not about the teacher. Casting aspersions like “he’s out to get my child” or “she’s a lousy teacher” are not going to get very far. Specific examples and suggestions for improvement will make the greatest difference.
Most important is that your child maintain respect for the teacher, so it is important for you to be careful with the language you use in front of your child. Speaking about the teacher as a person who is always learning, just like the students is a good tone to use.
If these remedies do to work, remember that any particular teacher is only for a year, and likely for only a portion of the day. It will be a valuable lesson for your child, and build your child’s self-esteem, to learn that not everyone gets along with everybody, but sometimes you simply have to work through and make the best of a difficult situation. If your child makes it through a year like that, any damage done by ineffective teaching will be surpassed by the character and sense of perseverance achieved by your child.
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Question: I was brought up in a secular Jewish home. My grandparents were victims of the Holocaust. We celebrated the major holidays in a non-reigious way but with deep attachment to our Jewish identity, and perpetuating our family traditions. Can I consider myself Jewish in the full sense of the term?
The simple answer is yes, you are fully Jewish. You were born to Jewish parents, you were brought up observing Jewish traditions in a way that was meaningful to your family and neither you nor your parents in any way rejected Judaism or accepted another religious tradition as your own.
The more complex answer is that all Jews, yourself and myself included, can be more fully immersed in our Jewish identity – no matter how deeply attached to it we are. Full immersion in no way means seeking out the most traditional or reactionary ways of following Judaism, but allowing your life to be infused with Judaism at both significant and ordinary moments.
The best way to start the process is to engage in the Jewish community in some way. For many, that engagement is through a synagogue. For other it may be through a JCC, involvement in a Jewish non-profit organization or through your local Jewish Board of Education or Federation. By getting involved you not only build up the Jewish community but you bring yourself closer to the rhythms, traditions and ethics of Jewish life that sustained so many generations and continue to sustain us today even in the diverse ways they are observed.
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Question: I am a 14 year old girl and a Conservative Jew. I am also gay. No one in my family knows. They are not homophobic. I wish I wasn't gay. Is it rational to pray to G-d to make me not gay anymore, or is there something I can do?
The first thing to understand is that there is nothing wrong with you. The feelings of wishing you weren’t gay are normal, because you have undoubtedly seen and heard those in society who consider being gay sinful or perverted, your friends who may use “gay” because they think it’s just slang for “bad” and you may have heard about some of the struggles gay people face in society.
None of that is really about you, however – it’s about people who can’t let go of old biases or people who are just uninformed. In the Reform and Conservative movements of Judaism, we have come to recognize that the seeming condemnations of gays in the Bible have long been in interpreted by those who lived in a time when a loving relationship between two people of the same gender was simply not thought to be possible - we know those interpretations to be wrong.
Today, as a gay individual, you will find plenty of support in your Jewish community. Only a little over a year ago the international president of United Synagogue Youth – a teen like you – came out as gay in a speech he gave to the assembled members of all of USY and received nothing but applause and kudos.
Everyone comes out at his or her own pace, but the first person to come out to is yourself, and to understand it’s ok, even as you recognize the challenges you may face because of it (again, those challenges really aren’t about you, but about the small mindedness of others). I urge you to go to your congregational Rabbi, Education Director, Youth Director or some other adult you trust if for any reason you feel you can’t go directly to your parents. That individual, who is someone your parents likely trust, will support you and help you in whatever process of coming out you need for yourself.
As for prayers to God, there is a Jews term call tefliah l’vatala – prayer in vain. It is generally applied to a prayer to change something that has already happened. Contrary to some of the brain washing that passes for psychology in some circles – you can’t “pray away the gay”. What you can do in your prayer, however, is ask God for courage and strength to accept yourself for who you are – and being gay is one piece of that (ultimately of not much greater signficance than if you are tall, short, blond haired, or don't like onions).
When you are ready to love yourself as you are, you don’t need to worry about anyone’s reactions. Your parents and family will still love you (and it may surpise you that one or both your parents do know), your friends will stay by your side and the one or two that don’t – they weren’t real friends to begin with.
I can’t promise it will be easy (at times it will be very hard), but as you mature and become sure of yourself, you will be better off for it if you begin the process of self-acceptance now and don’t ever pretend to be something you are not. Your Jewish community will be there to support you every step of the way (and if somehow it’s not – get to a new Jewish community as fast as you can!).
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Jewish funerals can vary as much as the Rabbis conducting them. That said there are some common practices and I will use the way I conduct funerals as an example and you can certainly use the responses of my Conservative and Orthodox colleagues to compare.
The funeral begins often with a period of visitation, where the close family of the deceased accepts the condolences of those attending the service. Following that, the family will either remain in a side room or sit in the front row as the service is about to begin.
Just before the formal beginning, the Rabbi or Funeral Director (often both) will give the immediate mourners (spouse, child, sibling or parent of the deceased) a ribbon to pin to their clothing, which the mourner will rip as a sign of mourning while reciting the words “Baruch Dyan HaEmet” – Blessed is the Faithful Judge. Many Reform rabbis will offer the ribbon to grandchildren and sons/daughters in-law or step parents/step children/step siblings when appropriate based on the relationship. The immediate mourners wear the ribbon for a full week, those who have lost a parent wear it for a month.
The service begins often with the reading or chanting of a Psalm or two, then the Rabbi (or other leaders) will say a few brief general remarks and continue into other readings from the Psalms and scriptures in general. It is during this period when Psalm 23 – “The Lord is my Shepherd” – is often read. More traditional practice is to read that Psalm later. I often use a powerful reading written by Alvin Fine that begins and ends with the words “Birth is a beginning, Death is a destination.”
At this point, the eulogy is delivered. Most often family members or friends will share their memories briefly and then the Rabbi will tie the thoughts together and give it context within Jewish practice with his or her eulogy, prepared after a meeting with the family the day or two before the funeral.
Following the eulogy/eulogies, the memorial prayer, El Maleh Rachamim is recited, often in Hebew and English. This prayer incorporates the name of the deceased and asks for God’s mercy on his or her spirit as it ascends into the eternal care of God’s protection. The congregation rises for this prayer.
At this point, if the service as conducted in a sanctuary or funeral home, the casket is escorted out of the building using honored pallbearers, led by the Rabbi (sometimes reciting Psalm 23) and followed by the immediate mourners. Then everyone goes in procession* to the cemetery. If the service is at the cemetery the service simply continues from the same point as if the casket had just been placed on the lowering mechanism.
At the cemetery the Rabbi, pallbearers and mourners will walk the casket from the car to the gravesite where it is placed on the lowering mechanisms and lowered (some prefer to lower after everyone has left). As this happens the Rabbi reads a passage from the Book of Isaiah, and may offer additional prayers and readings. When the mechanisms have lowered the casket and are removed, the family and other gatered may place earth in the grave (again, sometimes this takes place after everything else or after everyone has left).
Following that, the Mourner’s Kaddish is recited; it is a praise of God, without mention of death. Most Reform Rabbis use the regular Mourner’s Kaddish which people know well, but some may follow the traditional practice of the Burial Kaddish which speaks of eternal life and future resurrection in the time of the Messiah.
The final part of the funeral is that as the non-mourners leave, they offer the words “HaMakom Yinacheim” – may the Holy One comfort You – to the moruners. Sometimes this is as a group, other times individually as the mourners leave between two lines of comforters.
* I am personally opposed to formal funeral processions in this day and age. Even if the family insists on one, I do not participate and simply say that I am going ahead to make sure the cemetery is ready. In a time prior to cars or in the early days of cars, a procession to an cemetery often located outside of city limits, was necessary to transport people to the cemetery and back. In our current time, with high-speed freeways and challenging traffic patterns, they pose an unnecessary and dangerous situation to both those who are in them and drivers who encounter them. It is easy enough to provide each attendee with a printed map of detailed directions from the service location to the cemetery and ask that everyone leave for the cemetery immediately upon the casket being taken out.
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Question: My wife and I are thinking about how our children should dispose of our bodies once we have passed. Having no love for the traditional methods, we went in search of alternatives. We discovered a body farm. In this method the bodies are staked out (often) in the open on a protected plot of land so that they might be studied concerning natural decay, then the information gathered is used for forensic studies and training concerning murder investigations and other such things. We like the idea of this for two reasons: First, it helps to assist the living, and second, it returns the bodies to the earth in the quickest way possible. We will not go any further in this plan without guidance. Can you help?
[Administrators Note: There is a related question on the importance of burial in a Jewish cemetery in the JVO database at http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=223. The concept of a body farm was foreign to me and I had to research it. There are multiple in the US at this time. They are used for training purposes, as the question states. However, the bodies are not always placed on the ground: some are buried, partially buried, covered with materials, placed in shade or sunlight or under water, and so on. The bodies are then examined at various intervals ranging from daily to weekly to monthly, depending on what is being studied, and photographs and samples are taken. This is not, strictly speaking, a completely natural decay process, as it may include exhumation and sampling multiple times.It is certainly not a traditional burial, and the body does not remain undisturbed.]
Outside of the most “traditionalist” of Jewish circles, it has generally been permitted and even encouraged for Jews to permit part of their body or the whole to be used for things like organ donation and even medical research. Modern Jewish custom even allows for a delay in burial for an autopsy in the case of a crime, or even when it would simply provide useful information that could help others (See this Reposnsa from the CCAR). While re-interment (which is what partially burying and then re-burying after study would be) is a more tricky subject, again the idea that it could bring benefit to people, in this case victims of crimes, would make it an appropriate action.
Based on the idea that your bodies would be used for research that would potentially result in a murderer being captured more quickly (and thus saving the lives of future victims) this type of use of your body would be an act of pikuach nefesh (preserving of life) as much as one who donates their body for medical research. Therefore, if you feel this is right and that it will bring comfort to those who will mourn for you, it would be acceptable. That said, it would be best, in the spirit of Jewish tradition, to arrange for a traditional gravesite for any parts that remain after research has been completed, as those parts should not be disposed of in a haphazard manner, but very deliberately.
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Question: What specifically does Judaism say about money? I often tell people that Christians believe that there is nobility in poverty (the meek will inherit the earth) but Jews have no such concept and encourage people to have means to take care of their families. This is me spewing out gibberish based on no actual facts. Is this in fact true and if so, what does Jewish law/wisdom say about money?
Mainstream Judaism, unlike the Catholic Church, has never seen poverty as a desirable or holy condition. In the Talmud, particularly in the tractate called Pikre Avot (often translated as “Ethis of our Fathers”) the Rabbis instruct sages and scholars to always have a way of making a living outside of study of Torah. This may bein part, as a response to both the aestheticism of early Christians and of certyain fringe Jewish groups who practiced poverty as a vitrute.
As the Rabbinate and teaching became professional positions within the Jewish community, Rabbis, in particular were never expected to live in poverty, but they were supported by the communities they served in a manner that often placed them at average in terms of income and lifestyle within their community. That continues to this day, with some senior Rabbis of very large congregations earning incomes that put them in the top 10-20% of the congregation.
In the days of the Shtetls of Eastern Europe (and even earlier in Western Europe) it was common practice for rich men to have their daughters marry Torah scholars so that the scholar could continue his study without being a burden on the community and would be able to have lots of children, some of whom would continue in scholarship, some of whom would enter business to continue the cycle.
Unfortunately, in the State of Israel, there are communities who feel their study of Torah entitles them to live on the social welfare programs of the state and even force young people who are not as inclined to such study live in the poverty that comes from having no other skills. There are efforts to change this in Israel, but what is clear is that these communities have strayed far from the very principles that they study on a regular basis. Ultimately our tradition teaches that we are not to make ourselves a burden on the community, but we should only accept tzedekah in that form when we truly need it.
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Question: How (should or) does a father make amends to an adult son regarding what the (near adult) son feels are boundary issues around school, work ethics, respect for others, use of free time, etc.
This question seems complicated, but the solution in Judaism is actually very simple – it is the process of T’shuvah – repentance. This is the same process that we discuss around the High Holy days and our services on Yom Kippur in particular are designed around the idea of repenting with others, with oneself and with God.
In this particular situation, the first step is forgiving oneself for not being a perfect father, and understanding that moving forward you will not be perfect either. Letting go of the self-resentment will go a long way.
The next step is to apologize, to sit with your son and to ask him where you went wrong and to tell him, without excuses, that you are deeply sorry for the hurt you have caused. That will open a conversation, it will allow you to ask question about your son’s expectations so that you can have a very clear definition of the boundary line that he is comfortable with.
The final step is then to follow through with those expectations, quickly apologizing and changing course when you do transgress those expectations. It may take your son some time to fully trust you again, but if you show a true effort to change, even though some inevitable miss-steps, he will forgive and accept the new you.
The process of Teshuvah is a powerful process when carried through in the right way, and you will find that it will not only save your relationship with your son, but it will spill over into your other relationships as well, making your life fuller and richer as a result.
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Question: My mother is 90 years old, in frail health but of sound mind. Last year, one of her 3 grandchildren and the youngest of my 2 sons died in an accident at age 29.
My son and my mom were close. As an adult, my son moved to another state but made a point of visiting every few years. He has remained in contact with regular phone calls and other correspondence.
My sister has demanded that my mother not be informed of my son's death. She argues that my mother will die in a few years anyway and so should be spared the sad news, and that the grieving process could hasten my mom's death. "Let mom die in peace."
I've complied with my sister's demands. Whenever my mom asks me about my son, my rehearsed response is "Your grandson loves you dearly." But as time passes without contact from my son, I'm concerned that my mom has concluded that my son has lost interest in his grandmother.
For my mom's sake, I'm uncomfortable with keeping her in the dark. But I'm also conflicted. I miss my son so very much. To include my mom in my own grieving would benefit me. After all, she is my mom.
Any ideas?
There are issues here that touch on both the general psychological level and the Jewish level. Our obligation to our parents, as Jews is to honor them and revere them (the latter often mis-translated as “fear”). What this means is that they deserve special treatment, but they also have the right to know what is going on with their family, to share in both triumphs and struggles.
Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, a true giant among philosophers wrote, “The years of old age… are indeed formative years rich in possibilities.” What he is saying is that the old are not to be cast aside or only as a depository for wisdom when needed, but as the people that they are, capable of growth and change. By not giving this information to your mother, not only is she becoming upset that she no longer hears from her grandson (and feels rejected) but you are infantilizing one who is, by your description, of sound mind. That is not within the bounds of honoring one’s parent. If your mother was not in sound mind, then I think your sister would be correct in not telling your mother.
Furthermore, in ways that may not be apparent now, but will become very clear once you tell her, the relationship between the two of you is incomplete. In telling her (and apologizing for the delay without blaming your sister), after her initial grief you will be able to speak with her about it, share your grief and heal from this family tragedy together. This will actually help your mother in terms of it being clear that you still need her and are willing to go to her for support. Even in the unlikely event your sister is proven right (or seems right by coincidence), you will be able to say goodbye to your mother knowing that nothing was left unsaid.
This approach, of course, risks your relationship with your sister, but the parent-child relationship always takes precedence in Jewish custom. This is ultimately between you and your mother, your sister has not had to deal with the pain of losing a child and hopefully never will. You clearly need your mother’s support, go get it while it is still available to you.
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Question: Can Jews of one ethnicity adopt holidays and customs of another? For example, some Ethiopian Jews celebrate “Chag HaSigd” around Sukkot, and Moroccan Jews celebrate “Mimouna” after Pesach. Is there anything wrong with an Ashkenazi Jew taking on these celebrations?
One of the wonderful things about our modern Jewish world, is that in addition to the coming together of many Jewish ethnicities in Israel and other places, through the ease of modern communication we have a virtually unlimited supply of ways to engage in Jewish practice and we are no longer bound by only the customs of our direct line ancestors.
As a Reform Rabbi, I take a very pluralistic view of Judaism. Although American Jews are over 90% of European descent, there is nothing wrong with adopting a custom of a different Jewish culture. Certainly if we, as Jews living in a mostly non-Jewish culture, are willing to adopt practices like prayer and sermons in the vernacular, new liturgical music and a custom of giving presents at Chanukah, all of which are borrowed from our surrounding culture, it would be hypocritical of us to say that we can’t adopt customs of other Jews we find to be meaningful.
When adopting other customs, it is important to embrace those customs in a real and meaningful way, not just “playing Moroccan Jew” for an evening. That does not mean that one must accept all Moroccan Jewish customs, but taking seriously the ones you may adopt.
There is a long standing tradition to abide by the practices of our fathers, but this need not be followed blindly. The rituals and practices that gave great meaning to our parents, grandparents and others may feel rote and sterile to us. We could easily imagine the descendant of Moroccan Jews complaining about having to sit through “yet another” Mimouna and he would rather go get pizza to end Passover as has become a bit of an American Jewish custom. Therefore part of our role as seeking Jews is to find those customs and practices that speak to us and enhance our Jewish experience. When we do this, we find it gives value as well to those traditions handed to us by our own Jewish roots.
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Question: If a Jewish women has a hard time finding a place where she can bathe in a mikveh (ritual bath) after her menstrual period, what should she do if she is married (and observes rules about niddah/family purity)?
As a Reform Jew the use of the Mikvah is usually only for the purpose of conversion, although some have begun using it as a way of symbolizing new beginnings, both in the traditional practice of a pre-wedding visit or post childbirth visit, but also for things such as divorce and other life changes.
That said, the important thing about a mikvah, whether one uses it once or every month, as you seem to desire, is that it does not need to be a formal mikveh, but rather Mayim Hayim – living water. This means that at a formal mikveh, there is a certain flow to the water so that rainwater is included and every day a certain amount flows out in a natural way.
What Mayim Hayimm also means is that most natural bodies of water are usable as a mikveh as long as it is deep enough to fully immerse into. The exception is any lake that does not have run out through a river. For example the Dead sea is not usable as a mikvah because the water does not flow out of it. Many man-made lakes are like this as well.
I would encourage you, if you live in a temperate enough climate, to find a nearby lake or stream if you do not have access to a formal mikvah and find a private area (which you have permission to use if it’s not public land) to do your immersion. If you live near a large enough lake or the ocean it should not be hard to go in fairly deep to an area with no one around. Bring a trusted friend to hold your bathing suit and immerse.
If that is not an option due to geography or weather (Lake Michigan is January can get chilly!) then an alternative may be to get a barrel in which you can save rainwater and prepare a bath for yourself that includes a significant amount of the rainwater. This may not be halachic, but it is in the spirit of mikavh and if it is the best you can do, it may be your best option.
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Question: In my dormitory there are automatic motion-sensitive fluorescent lights. If my only intention is to enter and exit my room and not to illuminate the hallway, would this pose any problem on Shabbat?
This is a question that touches on a two areas of Jewish law and values. First, your school should be commended for promotion of the value of Baal Taschit (do not destroy) in its effort to conserve energy. Even if the motive was to save money, the positive result of less energy use is admirable.
The challenge here, is when Baal Tashchit conflicts with the concept of Shomer Shabbat, especially when the benefit of following Baal Taschit is very minor. From a Reform perspective, this really isn’t much of an issue. Even if you have made the choice to not consciously turn on and off lights on Shabbat – a valid Jewish choice without a doubt – you are simply within a process started long before you arrived when it comes to the lights going on and off.
While I can see how it can be argued that by entering the hallway you are the one turning on the light, in this particular case, because this is a decision made well out of your control that as long as you are not physically flipping a switch with your hand, that this is no different than using a timer to turn off lights at a certain time of the day on Shabbat (which is completely acceptable by traditional practice as long as the timer was set prior to the start of Shabbat).
If possible, I would recommend that you speak with the dorm manager and maybe the lights can be set to stay on from the start of Shabbat to the end each week for your particular floor or other areas where you are likely to be the only one present. Given the amount of activity on a typical dormitory floor on a Friday night, I would guess that it would only be an hour or two of extra time on for the lights anyway!
If that is not possible, then the situation is out of your hands and you have done everything possible short of staying holed up in your dorm room on Shabbat – which I believe would be a far greater violation of the spirit of Shabbat than whether or not lights are automatically turned on because you enter a hallway.
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Question: What’s the Torah view on the “green” movement, such as recycling and electric cars?
This is a question with a fairly simple answer: The Torah and Jewish Tradition is 100% in favor of efforts to protect the environment and preserve our natural resources. The first couple of chapters of Genesis make it clear that The Earth is there for humanity to use, but also to make sure that we don’t use it up. We are not to rule over the natural resources (animal, plant and mineral) but to make sure to care for them.
Midrash Rabba, an early collection of Jewish legends and teaching, in the commentary on Ecclesiastes makes this as clear as could be: “Before creating this world, God made world after world and discarded them saying: This does not please Me. At last God created this one and said: This one is good. God then made Adam and showed him all the world. God said: Look at this beautiful world! Take good care of it... if you ruin this one, there will be none to follow it.”
Furthermore, our tradition is clear that even the most important of tasks should be done with care for the natural world: “If you should happen to be holding a sapling in your hand when they tell you the Messiah has arrived, first plant the sapling and then go out to greet the Messiah.” (Avot D’Rabbi Natan).
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Question: I am a soon-to- be-converted Jew by Choice. When I told my parents, they didn't take it very well but have gradually come to accept it (they participated in our baby naming and Mom was most recently helping shop for a deal on my Passover china, for example). However, I know my parents are keeping my conversion a "big secret" from my grandparents, aunts and uncles. My extended family would definitely not be as accepting, but am I wrong to be bothered by this? I feel very uncomfortable talking to them (mostly by phone; we live 10 hours away) when I know they don't know. They have even sent "First Christmas" teddy bears to my children. I feel like they are going to be horrified at a future family gathering when my son blurts out something like, "We don't celebrate Christmas." Should I go ahead and tell them myself?
This is obviously a difficult situation for you, but one that you will ultimately have to confront or risk being cut off from your family altogether. While I do not know under what auspices you are converting, in the Reform movement (and I know this is true for the other movements as well) one of the key elements of conversion is raising your child as Jewish in a public way – i.e. naming ceremonies and Bar/Bat Mitzvah among other opportunities.
If you want your extended family to be involved in any of this, you will need to let them know about the life decisions you have made. At that point it will be up to them to decide if they want to honor that or not. To be quite frank, if they don’t honor that, then they are not people worth having all that involved in your life or in the raising of your child(ren).
This task is up to you, however, not your parents. Even though it may be hard, calling them on the phone and getting this out in the open before the upcoming Christian holidays is the best way to go about it. IF possible, tell your grandparents face-to-face, but I would advise against a “big announcement” at the Thanksgiving or other holiday table.
By doing it personally, even if by phone, you let each family member know that the decision you made was about you and your immediate family, not about them. Furthermore you give each family member the respect to deal with the news in their own way and on their time in addition to communicating the message that each person you speak with is still important enough to you that you wanted to make this call.
As a resource, although it is geared toward parents of converts, you may want to look at the link below and offer it to your family members who have questions.
All the best to you as you complete your journey into Judaism and begin your joruney within Judaism.
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Question: Judaism has changed and adapted over the course of time; polygamy, for example, is no longer allowed. So today is gay marriage something that Judaism should adapt to as well?
It is certainly correct to say that Judaism has evolved over time. Our worship has changed from sacrifices at moments of awe, as in the days of the patriarchs, to a sacrificial system with altars around the land of Israel, to centralized worship and sacrifice at the Temple to prayer of the heart within the synagogue community. Socially we have changed from a collection of tribes to a unified, then divided monarchy, to an isolated minority to an integrated (and even assimilated) minority ethnicity within the majority.
In the area of marriage Judaism has changed as well. Marriage until approximately 1000 C.E. was polygamous, although that was far more in theory than in practice for the last 1000 years of that period. In the year 996 C.E. an edict was issued among Ashkenazi Jews barring polygamous marriage. Although it was a 1000 year edict (and thus expired) it is considered a permanent edict. Sephardic Jews never faced such an edict (living amongst a polygamous Muslim majority as opposed to a monogamous Christian majority). Therefore when the mass influx of Sephardic Jews came to Israel in its early years, those married to multiple wives were ultimately permitted to keep the wives, but future generations were not permitted multiple wives.
Outside of polygamy marriage has changed as well. In the “old country” arranged marriage was the rule and often the bride and groom did not even meet until they were under the Chuppah (wedding canopy). Even among most communities that still use a shadchan (matchmaker) today, the young people are permitted to meet, date for a period of time and either accept or reject their prospective partner. Obviously outside of the traditional communities, Jews, like others in western society choose their mate based on romantic notions, not the financial and social considerations that usually determined arranged marriages.
Following this pattern, it seems that if Judaism accepts that people find their mates based on free choice and romantic attraction, then same-gender marriage falls into that category. The challenge, of course, are the texts in Leviticus that seem to clearly state that male-male intercourse is forbidden on penalty of death (18:20 bars the behavior, calling it an abomination – to’evah – and 20:13 where the death penalty is assigned). For many, this makes it clear that Judaism cannot tolerate such unions, but a closer reading of these texts make this much less clear.
First and foremost, there is no prohibition placed on women. While the Talmud includes prohibitions for lesbian behaviors, there is not rooting of this behavior in the biblical text. For male homosexuals, however, while the plain reading of the text may be discouraging, there is more than initially meets the eye.
The term used for intercourse is from the Root Sh-K-B – to lie with, which is used as a term for intercourse in the text primarily in situations involving promiscuity and/or rape, while the term yada is used for sexual relations in a marriage. This suggests that the prohibition is on those who either rape other men or do so in a promiscuous matter, often in the context of idolatrous worship during biblical times.
Additionally the term used to describe male-male intercourse is to’evah – abomination, and there are many, many prohibitions that take this title that Jews and others who oppose same gender marriage do not object to as strongly. Most commonly cited among these prohibitions that are to’evah is the ban on eating shellfish. Based on that one who is opposed to same gender marriage, in order to be consistent, would need to be equally opposed to opposite gender weddings that serve shrimp and lobster at the reception.
Therefore, among liberal Jews who do not take every commandment at face value, but rather delve deeper into the text and use modern methods of scholarship to derive meaning from the text, there should be no objection to same gender marriage. The definition, purpose and modes of creating a marriage have changed through the centuries, as the question suggests. Therefore, especially given the overwhelming evidence that same gender couples are capable of having the same type of stability and family structure as opposite gender couples, there is no reason for Judaism, most certainly in its modern forms, but also among the more traditional, should be opposed to same gender marriage.
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Question: What can be done in the Jewish community to help get the word out and steer young couples with sexual conditions to proper treatment?
There is much the Jewish community can do and has done to help with this issue. The question can go in a couple of ways, this can include couples who have issues such as infertility or couples who have developed an STD. In either case, congregations can properly provide direction to resources in the community. Brochures placed in the bathrooms, discreet announcements in the monthly newsletter or links on the website are all ways to steer such couples to the treatment that they are seeking.
On a more elemental level, synagogues should not be afraid to teach Jewish views on sexual and reproductive ethics to the teens in the class. We often hear from opponents of sex-ed in public schools that kids should be learning about these issues at home or in their church. While I disagree with this as a blanket statement, there is a proper place for a discussion about sexual ethics in the Hebrew High/Confirmation class and that discussion should properly include what one should do if sexual issues arise.
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Question: If a pre-programmed "Shabbat elevator" is acceptable, then could a pre-programmed autonomous boat, trolley or automobile be used on Shabbat?
As a Reform Rabbi, I am not going to get into the Halachic details of Shabbat observance, as I expect my esteemed Orthodox and Conservative colleagues will do so far more completely than I could.I expect that their conclusion will be along the lines of my same assumption, that while an Elevator moves you from one place to another in a single building, boats, trolleys and automobiles are modes of travel, which are traditionally prohibited on Shabbat as travel (even a sailboat and bicycle would be banned if either took you out of the Eruv – the defined area of the community).
On a more general note, from a Reform perspective, Shabbat is about having a day that is different from the other days.In an ideal world, Friday night would be focused on Family gatherings, Shabbat morning as a time for communal gathering for study and prayer and Shabbat afternoon as a time for personal reflection or personal/family fun time – things that one does not have time for during the week.
The value behind Shabbat is a day of rest, but not only rest, rest that is sanctified, holy and separate even from those moments of rest we give ourselves during the week.For some that is found through traditional observance of Shabbat, for others it is found in other ways that may or may not include traditional elements.
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Question: Watching the Royal Wedding, I was struck by how different it is to a Jewish wedding. Traditional Jewish ceremonies seem not to include vows to each other, for example. How can that be? Isn't that the whole point of the ceremony?
The Jewish wedding ceremony certainly has some differences from what one would see at a wedding such as the recent wedding in the British royal family. For Jews, a wedding is ultimately the marking of a legal transition and a legal transaction, it is one of the reasons we do not perform weddings on Shabbat, since it is an act of commerce.
The core of the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony is actually the act of kinyan, acquiring. In the basic form, the groom purchases the bride, and acquires her for himself. In payment he offers the Ketubah (marriage contract) as a security for his bride should he decide that he no longer desires her and a ring.
The modern Jewish wedding ceremony is somewhat different, and in most modern settings, there is a brief recitation of vows. The central moment of the ceremony is still the phrase that create the legal transaction when the groom says to the bride: “Harei at m’kudeshet li b’taba’at zot k’da’at moshe v’yisraeil – you are sanctified to me with this ring according to the custom of Moses and Israel” In most egalitarian weddings the bride will say the exact same phrase altered only for gender purposes.
The Ketubah is also still an important part of the ceremony, and here is where there is some significant changes in the tone, that adds in what we would call “vows”. In the traditional text it is a legal formula that provides assurances for the bride. Most modern Ketubot use text that expresses the couple’s love for one another and includes vows about love, respect communication and the importance of creating a Jewish home. This is true at least in English even if the traditional Aramaic is used instead of a direct Hebrew translation.
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Question: I have two boys close in age who are constantly fighting. I know this is normal, but I have tried everything. The normal rewards and punishments don't work. I was wondering if there were any Jewish-values-based approach to sibling rivalry that I might try as a parent, or that I might try to tell the boys; Perhaps something "Divine" will have more of an effect....
Obviously you have a difficult situation and as a parent of two boys I certainly can emphasize with your problem.
My two fellow panelists have each given excellent answers that can give you some resources.The particular example that I thought of upon reading your question, however, was not given by my colleagues.
Early in the book of Genesis, Abraham and Lot come to an impasse.Lot is Abraham’s nephew, but in reality they are more similar to brothers.They are finding that there is conflict between their shepherds.Abraham (then still Abram) comes up with a simple solution.He and Lot stand on a rift overlooking both the plain of the Jordan and the coastal plain, and says to Lot, choose one side or the other.Lot chooses the side of the Jordan valley (which is how he ended up in the city of Sodom) and Abraham goes the other way.After that there is no conflict between them in that generation.
Therefore, the solution that you seek may be one simply of separation.There is no suggestion that because of the separation Abraham and Lot loved each other less; rather the opposite seems to become the case.At this point in their lives, your boys may be straining to find their own identity and may require a separation of sorts from one another.I would encourage you to help each of them cultivate their own interests at their own pace, and through some time apart, they may come to better cherish their time together.
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Question: What self-censorship boundaries should there be on non-Israeli Jews in talking about Israel, if any? Is it disloyal for a Jew to point out the faults or flaws of the state of Israel?
This is a difficult question.On the surface, we want to be very hesitant to tell people in another country how they should run their country.Then again Jews, as a community and as individuals have long been advocates for freedom, equal rights and peace in a variety of different countries where they have not lived.Therefore why should Israel be any different?
The commandment of Ahavat Yisrael – love of Israel – is very important.It is a part of Jewish tradition to love not just the state of Israel, but the people and the land as well.But we know that love is not saying to someone, “Do whatever you want.”That is indifference.Therefore the idea of Ahavat Israel, along with the commandment to reprove our neighbor when we see them doing something wrong, suggests that we should be critical of Israel when necessary and that it is more loyal than dis-loyal to discuss the flaws and faults of Israel.
That said, it is also part of our tradition of reproving our neighbor to do it in a way that does not embarrass him or her.Therefore, it is appropriate to make sure that our criticisms of Israel are both come from a place of love and are done in a constructive rather than destructive way.Participating in boycotts, protests against Israel’s right to reasonably defend itself or groups that cross the line from legitimate criticism to anti-Semitism (by making Israel the “Jew” among nations) would be inappropriate for anyone who claims a love of Israel in any of its definitions.
Writing well thought out letters to the editor, discussing the situation from a calm perspective or joining a group like We are for Israel (http://weareforisrael.org/) that is fully supportive of Israel but isn’t afraid to say when it is on the wrong track in its pursuit of peace, are all good ways to understand the situation from a centrist Israeli and American perspective, while avoiding the all too frequent blind support from groups like AIPAC and ZOA and the too often knee jerk criticism of Israel form groups such as J-Street, B’tzelem and Brit Tzedek V’shalom.
It is not only permissible, but part of loving Israel, to be willing to criticize Israel as long as that criticism is aimed at making Israel better rather than delegitimizing Israel or casting it as some sort of pariah state.
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Question: Given the deceitfulness of Jacob in his dealings with Esau and Isaac, how is it that he became a patriarch and his name synonymous with Israel?
In other words, why should a person who acts in less than an exemplary manner be revered as one of the patriarchs?
Rabbinic Midrash spends a great deal of space trying to defend Jacob and to show that his actions were either not deceitful or were necessary because of how evil Esau was. Some Midrash suggests that Isaac knew all along that it was Jacob but wanted what we would, today, call “plausible deniability” because he was scared of Esau.Others suggest that Esau had duped Isaac into thinking that Esau was something he was not, therefore Jacob had no choice but to go along with his mother’s plan.
These are nice, but they don’t eliminate the fact that the text in this instance and in others, Jacob is portrayed as a bit of a shrewd and sly dealer.Therefore the question is a good one, how can we possibly have him as our ancestor and namesake?
The answer lies not in traditional text, but in a modern, Jewish, reading of the text.Judaism has always accepted the fact that sin, i.e. falling short of God’s ideals, is a part of life, therefore it provided many avenues for repentance both during the time of the Temple and afterward.The ancient sages were ok with this, and we can be too, even when the standard is applied to our revered ancestors.
The story of Jacob that makes him a worthy namesake for the Jewish people is not one of perfect piety and faithfulness, but it is one of struggle.This struggle of Jacob’s is shown in a very literal way in his wrestling match with the angel, but that scene is a symbol for his life-long struggle with his inner demons and with his life circumstances (fleeing his home out of fear, having to work twice as long for the woman he love, fleeing from her father, losing his beloved wife en-route, losing – so he thought – the first born of that wife).
Jacob sees his family come back together, not necessarily through his own agency, but he is clearly a changed man at the end.It is this struggle, this change that he undergoes through his entire life that makes his name, Israel, worthy of being one that is passed down.A perfect individual would have been too much for his descendants to live up to, but someone who has gone through the same struggles and challenges of an imperfect life and comes through it all a better person – that is a legacy we could all be proud to strive toward.
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Question: What’s the tradition on the correct order of placing the Chanukah candles in the menorah and then lighting them in the reverse order?
The traditions of Chanukah can be a little confusing.The complicated discussion of these traditions in Talmud tractate Shabbat (beginning on 21a) help clarify certain points, but in regards to the order in which the candles are to be lit says little.
What the Talmud does make clear for us is two points of the tradition that are applicable to today.First, it makes it clear that we are to increase the number of candles each night, according to Hillel, as opposed to decreasing the number of candles each night (as Shammai suggested).This is to recognize the increasing nature of the miracle of the oil for each night (one day’s supply lasted 8 days, so each night is an additional miracle).
The second thing that is clear from the Talmud is that we are not to use one Chanukah candle to light another and that we are not to use the light of the menorah for performing our daily tasks.These two prohibitions led to the creation of the shamas candle, the candle that is used to light the other candles.By using the shamas we assure that we do not use a candle designated to represent a night to light any other candles, and by placing the shamas on a different level (i.e. higher or lower) than the other candles, if the menorah happens to be the only light in the room, we can still do our tasks based on the light from the Shamas.
The standard order for lighting the candles is based on the Shulchan Aruch.As one faces the menorah, the first candle goes on the far right, and then each subsequent candle is positioned directly to the left of the one that preceded it.The lighting then goes in the opposite order, starting with the left most candle as one faces the menorah continuing to the right.The blessings should be recited after the Shamas is lit and as it is being used for lighting the other candles.
One additional tradition discussed in the Talmud is that while the requirement of lighting Chanukah candles means one menorah per household, it clearly states that for those who wish, there may be one menorah per family member.This is a wonderful way to involve everyone in the lighting of the menorah.
Ultimately, the purpose of the menorah and the lighting of candles on Chanukah is to publicize the miracle of Chanukah (therefore menorah’s should be placed near a front window, or even outside if possible). For families and individuals the act of lighting the menorah and saying the blessings can be a powerful reminder of Jewish identity and the importance of keeping the chain of tradition alive.If that goal is achieved, the order in which the candles are lit is ultimately not that important.
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Question: I've been married for 14 years. My wife has told me she no longer wants to have sex. She says she doesn't love me any more. She has stopped going to mikveh, so it is not possible for us to engage in sex. I am not satisfied with the situation. What does halacha say about this? Am I required to give her a get (divorce bill) and divorce her? Is it permissible that I do so? Would it be right to do so?
As a Reform Rabbi, I will leave the technical aspects of Halacha to my Conservative and Orthodox Colleagues and focus instead on the values involved.
It is unfortunate that your marriage has fallen into this state.The fact is that it happens and we can be thankful that Jewish law and custom give us a way to deal with the situation in a manner that is both dignified and lays the groundwork for a healthy friendship following.
Rabbi Heller was correct in advising you to seek counseling before anything else.But ultimately both you and your wife are within your rights. She is right in letting you know her feelings on both sex and the relationship, and you are right in wanting something more than companionship from your marriage.
If approached in a mature and open way, then even if you are unable to resolve your differences through counseling (and there are many couples who cannot), then you can end your marriage through both Jewish and secular processes, in a way that will enable you to be cordial and respectful to one another, and have as little impact on your children (if there are any) as possible.
While the Reform movement does not require anything more than a civil divorce, many within the movement have developed rituals for couples going through divorce that would go along with the formal signing of a Get.This can make the moment of divorce, usually painful and filled with regret, into a moment that also has God present. I encourage you to visit ritualwell.org to see some of the beautiful ceremonies that lend dignity and beauty to a process that is all too often anything but dignified and beautiful. Most of the rituals there can work in the strict Halachic framework I suspect you will seek.
The worst outcome is for you to stay in a marriage that is not fulfilling to you and then to seek that fulfillment in ways that would be immoral or illegal.Therefore I encourage you to seek counseling to see if your marriage can be saved, but ultimately do what is best for yourself.
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Question: Is it true that music sung for Shabbat services should not be sung for a concert?
Music is a form of worship that is elemental to Jewish practice, from the song of the sea celebrating God’s miracles during the Exodus to the Levitical choirs that sang Psalms of praise to God at the entrance to the Temple in Jerusalem.
Today there is a major explosion of creativity in Jewish music coming from all parts of Judaism.Singers such as Danny Nichols, Matisyahu and others are following in the footsteps of and expanding upon a path laid by such great musicians as Debbie Friedman and Shlomo Carlebach.Given this surge in modern Jewish music it is unsurprising that some would raise concerns about singing Shabbat music in a concert setting.
Many of the songs that are in the genre of Jewish music fall in the category of prayer, and it is improper under Jewish custom to say a prayer without full intention.For some, especially among the more traditional, the way around this is to substitute words like Adoshem and Elokeinu when God is mentioned during a song that is not officially part of prayer.Others are fine singing the words that would be sung in prayer, feeling that the setting of a concert makes it so different from a service that there is no confusion.
Shabbat songs, however, are in a different category.Because of Shabbat’s uniqueness in Jewish life, I would advise caution on using songs that are based specifically on the Shabbat prayers at other times.While a camp or religious school song leader would be proper to use a weekday song session or music class to teach the special melodies that will be sung on Shabbat, a concert is not a teaching situation.
It is always good to sing Jewish music, especially songs that praise God, as Psalm 96 says “Sing on to God all the earth; sing on to God a new song.”The sacredness of Shabbat suggests that there are some melodies and some texts that are special only for Shabbat and we should refrain from singing those in a concert setting except on Shabbat.
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Question: What is the best advice you can give to a victim of domestic violence, whether a spouse, parent, child, boyfriend, girlfriend?
There are two levels of advice that I can give to someone who is a victim of domestic violence:For an adult (or a teen in a dating situation) the number one thing to do is GET OUT! There is no obligation in Jewish practice to stay with someone who abuses you.
For a minor child the advice is the same but not as easy to follow, so to that individual I would say:Tell a teacher or other school employee, tell a friend’s parent, tell your doctor, tell your Rabbi, each of them can help you get out of the situation.While there is an obligation to honor one’s parent, that obligation is voided when abuse occurs.
For teens in dating situation besides ending the relationship, make sure you tell your parents about what happened, you will not be in trouble, it is not your fault, and your parents are there to help and support you.
I would advise anyone wanting to learn more to visit this website of the Union of Reform Judaism: http://urj.org/life/family/violence/ for more information on resources for dealing with domestic violence.
Always remember, there is no obligation to stay in an abusive relationship, and there are those around you who do care about you and want to help you, reach out to them.
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Question: According to Judaism, what is an acceptable gift to bring to shiva? Are flowers and or food appropriate?
It is considered a mitzvah of the highest order to bring comfort to the bereaved. In the short Talmudic passage read during the morning blessings each day (Known commonly as Elu D'varim) the list of those deeds for which the reward is eternal in the world to come includes "L'vayat ha meit" which literally means attending to the dead, but is often translated and interpreted as a command to comfort those in mourning.
Therefore the only thing one is required to bring is oneself. This is especially important in smaller Jewish communities when the family of the deceased wishes to conduct a minyan in their home (10 adult Jews are required for a proper minyan). Even in larger communities this is important since there is never a guarantee that 10 others will be there.
That said, it is also the proper role of comforters to bring food to the house of a mourner, so that the mourner can focus on the task of mourning and to make sure that the mourner is not skipping out on his or her basic needs.Generally flowers are not a part of the Jewish funeral ritual. Among many reasons a particular reason is that we do not add death (cut flowers are technically dead) to a period of mourning.
Ultimately it is best to simply bring yourself and a bit of food that is respectful of the way the family observes kashrut.If in doubt go with kosher food.
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Question: What does Judaism say about pre-marital sex?
One way to look at this question is to simply say that there is no such thing as pre-marital sex, as the act of intercourse is one of the ways to become married according to traditional Judaism.Because of this fact, the Bible is relatively silent on this question except to state that a man who has intercourse with a woman who is not his wife, is then required to keep her as a wife (and that includes even men who have wives, because in the Torah polygamy is acceptable).
Of course that is not how we operate in the modern world, so the question is an important one. In Judaism the sexual act is one of extreme intimacy, and therefore is best performed within the structure of marriage. That said, for couples who are in monogamous, committed relationships, it is not a sin, but should always be considered very carefully. Where it crosses into sinful behavior is for those who hop from one sexual partner to another, or for those who are sexually active with several others at the same time.
This distinction is made clear in the text of the Torah. When the Torah speaks of sexual relations between a husband and wife, it uses the term “Yadah” which means “to know.” The use of that term suggests a deep intimacy and love between the two partners. When the Torah speaks of sexual relations that are conducted outside of that bond, other terms are used.The term “Yavo” – to come, tends to be used in cases of prostitution (Judah and Tamar) and when a man takes a concubine (Abram and Hagar), while the term “Shachav” – to lie with, tends to be used in cases of idolatrous practice (such as occurred with ancient fertility rites), improper relations between relatives (the story of Lot and his daughters and Leviticus, chapters 18 and 20) and cases of rape (rape of Dina).
Therefore the ideal sexual relationship is one conducted in the spirit of “Yadah” of two people who intimately know and love one another.For Judaism, the best way to create that sense of intimacy is through the vehicle of marriage (whether state sanctioned or not).
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Question: I heard that shomer negiah applies to siblings past the age of puberty and other family members. I do not understand why such a law should apply to people who are related. Can you please explain this to me?
While Rabbi Grant gives a nice explanation of some of the moral and sexual ethics reasons behind the practice of Shomer Negiah, there is a ritual side to the practice as well.
In the days when The Temple stood and prior to The Temple, worship sites around the land, the idea of ritual purity was very important.If one was not ritually pure one could not take part in the sacrifices, which at the time were the major form of prayer for Jews. The state of purity vs. impurity was not analogous to a state of sin or non-sin.While there were sins one could commit that would place the individual into a state of impurity, often a person fell into that state through no fault of his or her own.
One way someone became ritually impure was to either be a woman during and for 7 days following the period of her menstruation or to come into physical contact with a woman during that time (the impurity washed away by immersion in the mikvah at the end of the 7 days following). This, of course, was not sinful, but the emission of “blood” was a cause of ritual impurity.Even after The Temple fell, the laws of ritual purity especially surrounding menstruation continued as a part of the Jewish legal framework as the Talmud developed (see Talmud Tractate Niddah).
On the principle of modesty, however, one could not ask a woman if she were in her time of impurity, so the custom (eventually gaining the force of law in some communities) developed of men simply avoiding physical contact with any adult woman with the exception of his wife. Therefore it is not only to avoid sexual impropriety that a man who follows the strict interpretation of these laws would not even touch his mother, sister or adult daughter, but it is out of a desire to remain in a state of ritual purity.
Within Reform Judaism, this question is a virtual moot point. CCAR response 5756.6 states in part:“The entire system of tum'ah and taharah [i.e. ritual purity] is bound up with the ancient Temple and the priestly cult, elements of Judaism which Reform has roundly rejected.”Therefore there is no ritual reason for Reform Jews to follow the practice of Shomer Negiah. That said it is prudent that adult individuals who are not married to one another avoid excessive physical contact with each other, although the specific nature of the relationship will dictate the definition of excessive.
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Question: Are Jews required to do anything special to "repair the world" after the gulf oil spill? Is there a Jewish perspective on how this tragic accident should impact our view on offshore oil drilling moving forward?
There are numerous texts in Judaism that refer to the responsibility of humans to preserve and safeguard the environment.Many of these texts link directly to the first chapter of genesis, where in describing the creation of the world the text reveals the divine purpose of humankind:“They shall rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the cattle, the whole earth.”The word “rule” is interpreted just as if humans were kings. A good king enriches himself not by plundering his people since eventually his people will run out of gold to give him, but rather creating an environment where all his people can prosper to serve as an everlasting source of income for the king.
In Midrash Rabbah, the great 1st millennium C.E. collection of midrash, we read that God told Adam, “Take care that you do not become corrupt and thus destroy My world.For once you become corrupt, there is no one after you to repair it.” This passage speaks powerfully to the important role that each generation plays in preserving the world.
The Jewish value of Ba’al Taschit – do not destroy – also serves as an important part of this discussion.Taken from the passage in the Torah that speaks of the laws of war, namely that the Israelites are not permitted to destroy fruit bearing trees during a siege, this value has been taken as an environmental commandment. Acts like recycling, limiting our use of resources and sharing the use of resources are all a part of this value.
Therefore, to the first part of this question the answer is yes and no. Yes, Jews have a responsibility to work to preserve and repair the natural environment that sustains us all. That responsibility, however, is at a high level at all times, not just in light of the recent oil spill. Having stated that, there is no doubt that Jews can take it upon themselves to join in on cleanup efforts as a fulfillment of the Mitzvah of Ba’al Tashchit.
The result of this tragic accident does not change any Jewish views, but simply amplifies them.The principle of Ba’al Taschit, should already be leading Jews to embrace alternative forms of energy such as solar and wind power, and to the reduction in the amount of oil used.(As an aside, the terrible human cost of the recent coal mine tragedy in West Virginia combined with the environmental and human impact of the oil spill should lead us to find ways to use less fossil fuel in general.)
Judaism has always valued the importance of nature, from the fact that the Torah was given in a natural setting, to the prohibition in the Jerusalem Talmud against living in a town without a green garden. Using the natural resources that we have been given in a responsible way that always leaves enough for the next generation is a core Jewish value.
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Question: I sometimes feel disrespected by my bosses, but am hesitant to defend myself. What does Jewish law say about how employers should treat employees? Are there a set of rules that one should follow?
Jewish law has quite a bit to say about the relationship between employers and employees. The basic source is Deuteronomy 24:14-15: “You shall not abuse a needy and and destitute laborer… you must pay him his wages on the same day… else he will cry to the Lord against you.” Furthermore in the Mishnah Bava Metzia 7:1, it is clear that employers are to follow local customs and practices in dealing with their employees. There is more, of course, but those are most relevant to this question.
From these two sources, we can extrapolate that an employer has a responsibility to treat workers with a basic level of respect and dignity according to basic standards and local custom. Workers are assumed needy and/or destitute because if someone is independently wealthy they do not need to work for someone else.
While these laws would be considered binding in any way only on a Jewish employer, they are also good ethical guidelines for anyone. Of course there is much that can happen in a workplace that falls in the category of “disrespect” but falls short of any standard of “abuse”. Here we can fall back on the basic laws of kindness, most especially “love your neighbor as yourself,” as a guideline.
If you feel disrespected, speak with your boss, let him or her know how you are feeling and that while you want to do your best work for the company, your boss’s words and actions harm your ability to achieve that goal. Depending on the type of company, you can also go to your boss’s boss to make a complaint, but the Jewish value of reproving your neighbor (pointing out a violation of law that they are committing or are about to commit before reporting that person to the authorities), would dictate that you should approach your boss first before going over his or her head.
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Question: Alcohol seems to be a part of many Jewish holidays. At Purim we are even commanded to drink so that we can't differentiate between certain characters in Megillat Esther. Is there a Jewish perspective on drugs that would similarly impair our thinking? While some drugs certainly are dangerous to use, many would argue that marijuana - if used in moderation - simply makes the human mind think differently for a period of time, just as a few "l'chaims" do.
Alcohol, in the form of wine and sometimes spirits is used often in Jewish celebrations.It is described in liturgy and other texts as a “symbol of joy”. Therefore on Shabbat and most holidays we say a blessing to sanctify the day over a glass of wine.Purim is an interesting case because of some texts that suggest to drink “Ad lo Yadah” that is until you do not know the difference between blessed be Mordecai and cursed be Haman. There are other times when Jews will also drink a “l’chayim” or two, but in general outside of Purim drunkenness is discouraged.
An interesting connection to your question, is the fact that it is well known that the Chasidic Rabbis of Eastern Europe in the 19th and 20th centuries would regularly take snuff (a form of smokeless tobacco that is inhaled through the nose – don’t ask me why that is appealing) and such activity is shown in both folklore and art of the time.
Ultimately Judaism tends to bring us toward what Maimonides called the golden mean – that is moderation in everything. There is no special merit in Judaism for abstaining from alcohol (except as one part of the Nazarite vow in Numbers chapter 6). Furthermore, the sages tell us if we do not enjoy what is permitted, then we are sinning against God, because we are avoiding part of God’s creation. Therefore, imbibing in wine or other alcohol from time to time, as long as one does not drink to excess or become an alcoholic is perfectly acceptable within Judaism.
The same could be said for marijuana except for one crucial difference.In America, the use and possession of marijuana is illegal, and there is a Jewish principle that we follow the laws of the land when they do not explicitly contradict Jewish law.Therefore unless marijuana is legal for use in a particular area, Jewish law would not permit it. In no case, either in terms of alcohol or other “mostly harmless” drugs does Judaism permit usage in order to reach some new state of consciousness or for mystical and spiritual purposes.As for harder drugs, the immediate risk of life and health that those place on a first time user would make them completely off limits to Judaism and its focus on life.
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Question: Some people feel it is better not to tell a person information that they feel would be hurtful to them. Is leaving information out considered lying and is that acceptable or an act that needs forgiveness?
The simple answer to this question is yes and no. Leaving out information is lying, but if the information serves only to harm or hurt the individual, then it is an acceptable act that needs no forgiveness.
There are two Jewish principles at play here.The first is from the book of Leviticus when we are told not to place a stumbling block before the blind.While this is understood in its literal sense of don’t go and trip a blind person, it is also understood metaphorically. Basically one of the metaphorical understandings of this commandment is that we should not withhold information from someone if that information will help them in the long run (even if it is hurtful in the short run). Therefore if we know someone’s spouse is having an affair, it is our duty to tel that individual, even through it will be very hurtful because in the long run that person is in a broken marriage and does not know it. By having the hurtful information that person can then either work to repair the marriage or get out of an unhealthy situation.
The same goes for a business deal.Both sides need to be upfront and honest about all the pros and cons of a deal and not intentionally mislead the other.Furthermore third parties have the obligation of revealing information that could be harmful to either sides’ interests.Therefore in this type of situation as well, it is crucial not to withhold information.
The second principle that must be dealt with is the commandment to not embarrass each other. The ancient sages considered intentionally embarrassing someone to be equal to murder because of the shedding of blood (i.e. the blood all runs to the face when someone is embarrassed). Therefore if the information will only serve to shame or embarrass someone, with no chance of being helpful in the short run or long run, there is no sin committed by concealing the information. There may be social or professional situations where withholding information may avoid awkwardness or discomfort on the part of one or more parties. In those cases as long as there is no chance of the information coming out by accident, then there is no obligation to conceal the information.
Furthermore in the case of an elderly or sickly relative who has been given a poor prognosis by a doctor does not need to be told of that prognosis on the chance that the doctor is wrong.
In short, if the withholding of information ultimately causes someone harm or keeps them in a state of ignorance about crucial matters, then it is incumbent upon us as Jews to reveal the information (or have someone else do so). If the revealing of information will only cause embarrassment, discomfort or even harm without any benefit, then it is our obligation to hold the information and not share it. Of course there are many grey areas between those two points.
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Question: Why cannot Ashkenazic Jews be named after a living person? Why are Sephardic Jews named after a living person? Is this law or just custom?
The practices in both Ashkenazic and Sephardic communities around naming are based in custom. Both are customs based on superstition surrounding the Angel of Death. In Ahskenazic communities it was believed that if you named a baby after a living person, when the Angel of Death came for the older person, he would become confused and take the younger one instead. In Sephardic communities they took the opposite approach believing that if you named a baby after a living person, the Angel of Death would become confused and take neither the older nor the younger person.- therefore there was a benefit to those for whom babies were name.
While Reform Judaism tends to stay away from superstition, the practice of naming after a deceased relative (and specifically not living ones) is still practiced by the vast majority of Reform Jews out of a sense of tradition and a desire to honor those who have passed on prior to a new life coming into the world.With that said, the naming customs in the Reform movement tend to be based on the ancestry of the family, as the small minority of Reform Jews with Sephardic backgrounds will name after living relatives.
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Question: Should the laws governing kashrut be amended and/or applied to include the ethical treatment of workers, including wages, working condition and respect of employees?
The answer to these questions from a Reform perspective, really answers both questions at once, so in the following answer, I will not distinguish between the two questions because they are really one in the same.
The Reform approach to kashrut is far different than that of the Conservative and Orthodox movements. While there are Reform Jews that do follow more traditional interpretations of kashrut and look for the proper symbols on packaged foods and only buy meat that has been slaughtered in a kosher manner, most do not keep Kosher at all with the exception of many avoiding certain meats like pork and shellfish.Also, unlike the Conservative and Orthodox movements, the Reform movement does not have any group or individual that certifies food as Kosher for Reform Jews.
This creates, of course, different implications in terms of how Reform Judaism approaches this question.While the laws of Kashrut speak exclusively to the treatment of the animal (guiding many Reform Jews who want to honor the spirit of the law to buy free range and organic meat from stores like Whole Foods), the laws do not discuss the conditions of those responsible for slaughtering the animals and butchering them.
Of course as the laws of kashrut were developed the type of operation that major meat packers now run was completely unimaginable. That said, it is reasonable to say that the spirit of the laws of kashrut should take into consideration the treatment of the workers at a plant as Jewish Law has always had a concern with making sure that workers are treated properly going back to Leviticus Chapter 19 which commands us not to withhold the wages of a laborer.Certainly we have recently seen those in the kashrut industry violate the spirit of that commandment by using children, illegal workers and creating dangerous working conditions in the case of the Agriprocessors situation in Iowa.
Therefore, it is completely reasonable for someone who wants to abide by the spirit of the kashrut laws, whether or not that person lives by the traditional letter of the laws, to take into account the working conditions provided and wages paid by the meat packing company to those it employs. While I cannot say from a strictly halachic point of view that there is an obligation to do so, I would strongly advise anyone who wants to approach the idea of sacred eating to seriously consider the treatment of workers equally to the treatment of animals.
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Question: My boss insists that our lunch break during the work day be no longer than 1 hour. I have one coworker who consistently takes 2 hour breaks. Do I have an obligation to tell my boss?
Your situation touches on three areas of Jewish law and values. These are laws regarding Lashon Hara (literally: evil tongue - understood as gossip or slander), laws relating to theft and the commandment to reprove our neighbor.
First, regarding Lashon Hara, as Jews we should not speak ill of another unless absolutely necessary. Therefore it is important that you do not go straight to your boss right away. Doing so can harm your co-worker and the relationship that you have with your co-worker unnecessarily. Jewish law permits speaking negatively about others only in the case where doing so can stop a greater harm from occurring.
There is, however, in this case a greater harm occurring. That is, unless this co-worker is making up the hour of work at the beginning or end of the day, your co-worker is stealing from your boss by accepting an hour of pay every day that he did not earn. This is theft under Jewish law. I would place it under the same category of the laws that command us to have fair scales and balances - i.e. we should be honest in telling customers how much they owe us for the product. In this case your co-worker is, so to speak, putting his thumb on the scale, and accepting a full day's work for an hour less.
The way to work through these seemingly competing values of avoiding Lashon Hara and preventing theft, lies in the commandment to reprove our neighbor. That means that when we see someone doing something illegal or unethical, before going to the authorities (whether religious or secular), it is our obligation to speak with the person and to try to change the negative behavior through kind words of reproach. This should be done quietly and in private. You may find out in your attempt that the co-worker has an arrangement with the boss that allows for this extra hour (such as working an extra hour in the morning or evening) or there is another reason for the extra hour. If this is not the case, you can warn your co-worker that you will go to your boss if your co-worker does not shorten his lunch hour to conform with company policy (which is already fairly generous).
If the attempt to reprove your co-worker fails, at that point you may speak to your boss and tell him what is going on, as it is important that your employer know if he is being taken advantage of in this way.
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