Question: How can a socially isolated Jew with Asperger syndrome find a Jewish soulmate?
[Administrator's note: A related question can be found on Jewish Values Online at: http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=860]
As I don’t know the specifics of your situation and how socially isolated you are, I can recommend three possible solutions, which hopefully will be relevant for you:
1)You, or if you’re not comfortable with this, perhaps a family member or close friend can speak to a local rabbi, Jewish teacher or community activist, who can either help you directly or can put you in touch with a matchmaker (many are volunteers who just want to help people get married) who will try to help you find a proper match. If this is relevant, please don’t get discouraged if they don’t find anyone for you right away, and always feel free to remind the rabbi or matchmaker to keep looking on your behalf.
2)If the above is not relevant, (i.e. you don’t live near a Jewish community), or if you want to broaden your options, I would recommend signing up with online Jewish dating sites where you can work directly with matchmakers who will be your agent to find you matches. There may be other sites with matchmakers which you can find with a search, but I know of two – www.jretromatch.com and www.sawyouatsinai.com. The matchmakers, after getting to know you, will search the databases for someone appropriate for you, and will act as advocates for you in your search. Obviously, there are many other Jewish dating sites, which you may already be using, but having someone looking out for you will hopefully make the online dating experience a smoother one.
3)I would be happy to try help you directly. If you are interested, you can email this website directly with your contact information for my attention, and I will, b’li neder, follow up with you.
Good luck, and I hope and pray that you will find your bashert, your soulmate, very soon.
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Question: Can and should a woman nominate someone to say Kaddish on her behalf?
While Kaddish has become, for many Jews, almost totally identified with mourning, this was not always the case. The original Kaddish and its central statement calling upon God’s great name to be eternally blessed (“Yehei Sh’meih Rabba…”) was initially said after Torah study. Its evolution into a mourners’ prayer is based upon a story involving the great Talmudic sage Rabbi Akiva, who learned that if a son said Kaddish upon the death of his father, he could help alleviate the suffering and punishment of his deceased parent in the next world. Based upon this, the custom arose, in approximately the 13thcentury, for the sons of the deceased to recite Kaddish for their parents, first only on Shabbat or at the Evening Prayer after Shabbat, and eventually every day. Interestingly, in some communities, especially in Germany, only one mourner would recite Kaddish at a time, with the recitations divided in a rotation of mourners – this is still the practice in the Breuer’s Community in Washington Heights in New York, to the best of my knowledge.
My father, z”l, would say that is was the Maftir and the Niftar that has helped keep American Judaism alive – the Maftir that the bar mitzvah boy intones on Shabbat, and the fact that even the most alienated Jew will often come to the synagogue to say Kaddish for the prescribed 11 months for the Niftar – the deceased parent. (While the mourning period for a parent is 12 months, we only say Kaddish for 11 months, as we have a tradition that the evaluation and punishment period after death is 11 months for a righteous person and 12 months for not such a righteous one, and we assume that our parents fall into the former category). The custom to say Kaddish for a parent expanded to include siblings, children and wife, though only for 30 days in such cases. While it was not common until recent times for women to come to synagogue during the week and/or desire to say Kaddish, there are many contemporary women who want to feel the daily connection to their parents that the recitation of Kaddish can provide. Some Jewish legal authorities felt that, based upon the Rabbi Akiva story that talks only of a son but not daughter, as well as other reasons, only sons should say Kaddish. This, however, was not always followed by Jewish communities, and especially in contemporary times, a number of leading authorities permit and/or encourage women to say Kaddish, explaining among other reasons, that when any child goes to shule to say Kaddish, it is clear that the parent has done a good job in educating his or her children, which brings merit to the parents.
Since Jewish law empathetically does not obligate women in communal prayer like men, generally when there are male and female siblings, the male will recite the daily Kaddish, though a woman may decide that she wants to obligate herself to come to synagogue daily. If there are no male siblings, it is thus very appropriate for a woman to say Kaddish herself, as opposed to having another relative or a hired stranger say it, though, again, she is not obligated to do so. As above, we can understand the story with Rabbi Akiva to illustrate that any child’s recitation of Kaddish is meritorious to the deceased, and this would be especially true today, when many Jews decide not to follow in their parents’ and ancestors’ Jewish footsteps – when a woman thus chooses to say Kaddish consistently, what greater merit can there be for a parent who clearly has done something right in inspiring their children to continue our beautiful Jewish legacy? If she is not able to do so, the next best option would be to have a close relative say Kaddish, a son-in-law, brother, grandson etc. If there are no close relatives, a meaningful alternative would be to give Tzedakah (charity) to a Jewish institution, which would appoint someone to say Kaddish daily in the deceased’s merit.
May we all not have to deal with this until 120.
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Instead of delineating the step by step details of a funeral, which beyond the tahara (physical and spiritual preparation of the body), the suspension of the mourners’ obligation to perform positive commandments before the burial, the tearing of the mourners’ garments, the blessing that accepts God as the true Judge and the actual burial, have a certain flexibility based on custom and preference, I’d like to briefly focus on the values and messages that a funeral should instill within us. First, a funeral and the subsequent mourning periods, serve to both elicit honor for the dead while providing comfort for the mourners. The Hebrew word for funeral, levaya, signifies that we are accompanying the departed on their last journey in this world to what we believe will be a much more glorious destination in the world to come. Nevertheless, while we ultimately believe that the person is passing to “a better place”, we mourn the loss deeply. Obviously, the closer one is to the departed the greater one will feel the void, but as the towering 20th century authority Rav Yoseph Dov Soloveichik has pointed out, at the passing of each person we also mourn the fact that we have lost the uniqueness of that person, never to be replaced.
The tahara sends a very powerful message that all humans are created in the image of God, and thus, we must treat even a dead body, which is the repository of the soul, with great dignity and respect. We do not leave the body, dressed in white shrouds (and tallit for a man), alone until burial, when the body is literally returned to the earth, from which God created mankind (Genesis 2:7). Beyond showing our respect for the person, this process should hopefully remind us to treat all people with sensitivity and dignity while they are alive, as we all carry a divine lifeblood within us.
The hesped, or eulogy, harkens back to Abraham who eulogized and cried over his dear wife Sarah, and remains the central part of the funeral. An appropriate eulogy, whether by a family member or presiding rabbi, should always maintain its purpose of comforting the mourners while highlighting the good traits of the deceased. While tasteful humor meant to emphasize the goodwill of the departed may be appropriate, a eulogy should always seek to inspire its listeners to be better people by, ideally, inculcating the good traits of the eulogized into their own lives.
Many people are uncomfortable or scared of death, and thus, act inappropriately when confronted with the subject. After the funeral and burial, Jewish law, in a brilliant display of understanding human nature, mandates the observance of shiva, literally, seven, the week-long period when visitors comfort the mourners, whether the children, spouse, siblings or parents of the deceased. This begins immediately after the burial when the consolers are obligated to prepare a meal for the mourners, who either due to the busy preparations before the funeral or because of their deep sorrow, may neglect to eat and take care of their own material needs. During the course of shiva, the family members generally spend the entire day together at the deceased’s home or a suitable family member’s, discussing the departed, praying together and consoling one another. Visitors should have one purpose in coming to a house of mourning – to console the mourners, which is generally done by talking about the deceased and his positive impact upon his environment. One, however, should wait for the mourners to begin talking-sometimes they just want to sit in silence and the visitors’ presence is sufficient to give a measure of comfort. Visits should be short-these are not social occasions where the mourners feel obligated to serve the visitors, whether food, drinks or attending to their needs. In fact, a prevalent custom is for the community to provide all food and services to mourners during shiva – the last thing a mourner should be worried about is feeding the consolers.
The process of shiva, followed by the 30-day mourning period (shloshim), and for parents, an additional 11 month period after the shloshim, is meant to slowly ease the mourners back into regular life. The death of a loved one can and should be should be devastating, but not to the extent of crippling his family or friends. Consolers have a special role to play in helping the mourners cope with their loss, and should always err on the side of empathetic solemnity.
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Question: How should we respond to a letter signed by 15 leaders of Christian churches on Oct 5, 2012, calling for Congress to reconsider giving aid to Israel because of accusations of human rights violations (see New York Times article published: Oct 20, 2012)?
[Administrator's note: This question seems again quite relevant in light of the vote by the Presbyterian Church USA to divest from companies doing business with Israel in June 2014.]
This is but one of a long list of examples where a group of, at best, misinformed people singles out Israel for opprobrium, selecting specific statistics to conform to a bizarre world-view which totally obscures and obfuscates the reality of Israel’s existence. Comparing Israel’s defensive actions to Palestinian terror that aims to kill and maim as many people as possible and totally ignoring the context of such Israeli measures, as this letter does, is simply obscene. The fact that such people seem to only emerge to condemn Israel while remaining silent over massacres of thousands committed by Syria, Sudan and China, the trampling of human rights by US aid recipients such as Egypt, Pakistan and Russia (yes, look it up) or the occupation by Turkey of Cyprus, etc. etc. etc. only strengthens the supposition that the attacks on Israel stem from the new/old illness of Jew Obsession and its more poisonous disorders. (For more thorough treatments of the topsy-turvy world we inhabit, please check out such sites as www.camera.org and www.honestreporting.com.)
Before one of you gets all up in arms, yes, I know that criticizing Israel does not make one into an anti-Semite, that Israel is surely not perfect (show me any nation or person that is) and that reasonable people can disagree over certain Israeli actions, but such letters cross the lines of rational discourse. Of course, this is nothing new for us Jews-there have always been people opposed to what we stand for, applying immoral double standards to our actions. We do believe that we have to live at a higher standard, and should be open to criticism, but I challenge anyone to objectively compare Israel’s behavior to any other nation on earth and find me a more moral country (i.e. how many other countries drop thousands of leaflets and make thousands of phone calls to warn civilians to move before bombing terrorist infrastructure, such as Israel does?).
Nevertheless, calling these Orwellian Church leaders or others of their ilk Jew or Israel haters, or just ignoring them is not the way to go. If we are to be successful in changing the narrative and highlighting what a role model Israel truly is for all nations, we must engage in serious debate and dialogue. On a global level, we must respond to all the misinformation about Israel, but also be proactive in emphasizing the tremendous, life-affirming accomplishments of Israel. On a local level, nothing can replace relationships, so we must reach out to such Church leaders and others who take these skewed views, and invite them to learn together about Israel over a low-fat, double espresso caramel latte. Clearly, that means that we have to educate ourselves and be well-informed about Israel and the often impossible choices it must make between protecting its own citizens and neutralizing the constant threats against her.
On a rational level, there is no explanation to the delegitimization of Israel by so many, but we must try, through a combination of exposing the facts and personal outreach, to effect small changes, which over time will hopefully transform the world’s worldview. Thankfully, the American public stands solidly behind Israel and such Church leaders are unrepresentative of their views. With help from God, without whom the miracle of Israel wouldn’t exist, more and more people around the world, especially those who fashion themselves as liberal, will be able to distinguish between fact and fashion, and right and wrong when it comes to Israel.
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Question: What are the obligations of the community to the individual?
What is the responsibility of a synagogue to a Jewish member,specifically in terms of helping that congregant deal with extraordinary stresses of his/her life?
What responsibility does the community organization have to that member, and particularly in regard to informing them of consequences of their behavior in advance?
I know of a case in which an active member of the Jewish community (one who has contributed much time to the synagogue and has been extremely supportive to individuals in need) was ordered not to continue to have contact with the clergy for personal matters as a condition of continued membership. When the member violated this restriction (by leaving a telephone message for a clergy person when in distress), the congregant was told she/he could not at any time enter the doors of the synagogue at the threat of calling the police.
The congregant did not receive advanced notice of this, but was told by a custodian upon coming to services that she/he could not enter.
What Jewish values address this situation?
While this scenario sounds extremely odd and I’m guessing that there’s more to the story here, I can only respond to the question in front of me, so here goes. Generally, Jewish law speaks about the individual’s obligations to the community and greatly praises those who engage in community service (perhaps this was JFK’s and/or his speechwriter’s inspiration for his famous statement re. “Ask not…”). Traditionally, in lieu of a king or the Sanhedrin, the ultimate authority on Jewish law, Jewish communities were run by an elected or appointed council, known as the “Tovei Ha’ir” (see Talmud: Baba Batra 8B and Megillah 26A), in conjunction with the Chief Rabbi of the locale who was the final religious authority. With the dissolution of organized Jewish communities (remnants still exist in Israel, Europe and other countries, but not in North America), it is difficult to define the “Jewish community” and who should be responsible to help individuals– is it the synagogue? Who in the synagogue-the rabbi? President? Executive Director? What if one doesn’t belong to a synagogue? Should the local federation be the default address? The guys from Moishe and Zelig’s Herring and Schnapps Club?
These are all crucial questions, with serious ramifications for an often uninvolved Jewish population. Practically, while each of us has an obligation to be part of a community and to do whatever we can to strengthen such community, this also means that individuals, who comprise our local societies, should be the beneficiaries of the community, especially in times of need. It is unclear from your question whether you are referring to formal, paid membership in a synagogue or membership by virtue of being a Jew in the local community. While one should not have to pay membership fees to benefit from the community’s goodwill, membership in a synagogue does, and should have privileges. When one does become a formal member of a community, whether synagogue or organization, a more binding relationship is created based on obligations and responsibilities. While that may include such benefits as the use of certain facilities or cemetery rights, it most certainly presumes that the synagogue community will support its individual members.
While the Torah commands all individuals to help our neighbors in times of trouble, based on the verse, “Do not stand idly by your friend’s blood”, clergy by definition have an extra responsibility to do so. One of the leading rabbis of the 19th century stressed that a rabbi’s main function is to comfort the needy and weak. Thus, unless the above-mentioned member was either a dangerous person who threatened the general community or was so mentally unstable that the clergy, after repeated attempts to assist, realized that the person needed serious help, I don’t understand how a distressed phone call to the rabbi for help could be ignored, let alone serve as the cause for the member’s dismissal from the synagogue. As we are enjoined to give all people benefit of the doubt, on both sides of the issue, perhaps there was some major misunderstanding here or the clergy felt that there was some deeper issue here that called for drastic action. Otherwise, a synagogue should be open to all, particularly to those who are seeking spiritual sustenance.
Maimonides, one of the great Jewish authorities, asserts that the commandments to help one another, broadly categorized as gemillut chesed, lovingkindness, stem from the idea that we should do unto others that which we would like ourselves. Clearly, then, if any Jew is aware of another’s distress, he must do all that he reasonably can to help his fellow Jew. The ultimate Jewish value is to help our fellow Jews (and non-Jews as well, though as in any family, our obligation is to first help our own brothers and sisters) so something sounds very ungefilte fishy about this scenario. If the person still needs assistance, please let me or someone else who can help know.
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Question: My Jewish brother is engaged to a Christian woman and will be getting married to her in a non-denominational wedding ceremony. My (nuclear) family is fairly observant and, agreeing with our rabbi, my wife and I decided that our children should not be exposed to this event. We planned that I would go to the wedding but my wife and young children (ages 11, 9 and 6) would not.
My (non-observant) mother knows that the reason the children are not attending is because we don't want to expose them to a celebration of this intermarriage, and she has been giving my a lot of pressure to change my mind. I never told my brother the real reason because I didn't want him to feel like I was punishing him or for him to blame Judaism for the kids not going. I told him the reasons were financial and now I'm getting pressure from him too--he is offering to help pay for the plane tickets.
I truly feel uncomfortable about the idea of the kids attending this wedding and celebrating this event which we are teaching them is wrong. On the other hand, I love my brother and I know how much he loves my children and I feel terrible about how disappointed he's going to be if they're not there. What other compromises can I, or should I, possibly make? How do I balance shalom bayit (peace in the home) with maintaining the integrity of the values we're teaching our children?
First, I empathize with you in your difficult quandary. As a fairly observant Jew who seeks to instill the traditional values of Judaism within your children, your decision is clearly a sound one – assuming that your brother’s fiancée has no plans to convert and your brother is not much connected to Judaism, this wedding is not a cause of celebration for those of us who care about Jewish continuity. On the other hand, your instincts about your brother blaming Judaism are sound and must be weighed, as I imagine you hope that he will not be lost to the Jewish people. What to do then?
As I obviously don’t know all the germane details of your situation, I will base my answer on the following assumptions: 1)If your mother knows the real reason for your children’s absence, and your brother is at least fairly insightful, it’s very possible that your brother also knows the real reason but does not want to confront you. 2)You have a fairly close relationship with your brother, based on love and trust. Either way, it’s likely that at some point soon your brother’s choice to intermarry and your choice to maintain a traditional Jewish life will come into conflict, whether through family events or otherwise. Thus, it would seem to me that you should have a heart to heart with your brother, and explain to him the truth, emphasizing that you will always love him, but that you do not want to expose your children to something that goes against the Jewish tradition which you and they cherish. Expect some anger and hurt, but if you have a good relationship with your brother and he knows that your belief system is an integral part of who you are, he will hopefully understand. The fact that you plan to attend says a great deal about your feelings for your brother and family, as you could also decide not to go, as others in your situation would do.
If your brother does not understand and this becomes a major family issue, I would suggest that you bring in a third party to mediate, whether your rabbi or a professional therapist who can help your family grapple with the situation. Honesty really is the best policy, and while this is clearly a difficult issue on many levels, for the sake of both your connection to your family and Judaism, evading the main issue won’t be helpful. Good luck and I hope that you maintain a close relationship with your brother and that the rest of your family grows in their relationship with Judaism.
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Question: I heard a friend saying that we are at "the end of days" because the world has gotten so crazy, the weather seems to be changing, rules of morality and nature seem to have gone haywire. Do we as Jews believe in an end of days? Do we know when it is?
[Ed. Note: see somewhat similar question at: http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=357]
To fully answer your question, we would first have to define the “end of days”. This concept can mean different things to different people, but very briefly, Jewish tradition generally discusses three interrelated concepts: the Messianic Age, the World to Come and Resurrection (often referred to as eschatology). Each topic is the subject of discussion and debate throughout the ages, so in this short summary, I will refrain from tackling their various possible meanings and chronology, and discuss them as a whole. While these concepts are either hinted at or are explicitly mentioned in Tanach (the Jewish Bible), the most striking aspect remains the paucity of references that we find. While the Talmud and medieval commentators such as Maimonides (see the last two of the Thirteen Principles of Faith found here - http://www.ou.org/torah/rambam.htm ) and Nachmanides do expand upon these ideas, they remain of lesser prominence in terms of both our daily lives and Jewish theology.
Why is that? Judaism has always focused upon doing the right thing in this world. The Torah, as distilled in Jewish law and philosophy, is our most powerful guide to living the good and moral life as individuals, family and community members, and citizens of the larger world. We are divinely mandated, in the words of the modern philosopher Michael Jackson, “to make this world a better place for you and for me” without focusing on the next world. The Mishnah in the Ethics of Our Fathers (Chapter 1:3) states: “Do not be as slaves, who serve their master for the sake of reward. Rather, be as slaves who serve their master not for the sake of reward. And the fear of Heaven should be upon you.” This nicely sums up the Jewish attitude towards the eschatological rewards and punishments, as we firmly believe in the World to Come, but we concentrate upon doing the right things in this world for their own sake. Our Tanach seems to intentionally downplay discussion of eschatology for this reason, a tradition continued by Jewish authorities throughout the ages, who while affirming our belief in the Messianic Age etc. generally veer away from predicting when this Age will begin.
Thus, while certain authorities have offered different theories predicting the advent of this next phase of existence (i.e. after the great War of Gog and Magog-see Ezekiel 38; when all Jews fully observe the commandments; or during the seventh millennia of the Jewish calendar-we are now in year 5771), the best “prediction” is offered by the Talmud (Sanhedrin 98a). According to this tradition, God has appointed a specific time for these events to occur, but if the Jewish people merit the hastening of this era (presumably by following Jewish law and generally doing God’s will as expressed in the Torah), God will bring it sooner. Bottom line-we anticipate the Messianic era each day, but don’t walk around each moment talking about it. We must focus on following God’s will and being the best people that we can be, and the rest will take care of itself.
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Question: I am reading my kids the biography of Benjamin Franklin and am completely in awe of his accomplishments and morality; He would write down his flaws at the end of every day. Can you give me names of any Jewish role models in the last 400 years with similar credentials to share with my kids as well?
Where to start? At least by limiting it to 400 years, you’ve cut down the potential list from possibly thousands to hundreds of pages, though I’ll limit mine to a little less than that. This should allow you to focus on some individuals without just throwing a long catalog at you, but any reader of this is welcome to add other names to this subjective, chronological list. Beyond the famous, there are also numerous unsung heroes who can serve as great role models, probably including people you see in your daily life, but I have limited my choices to people whom you can easily research and study.
Morality plays a central role in Judaism, and serves as a fundamental barometer of one’s true religiosity. The following figures have accomplished great feats in their lifetimes, while generally standing as beacons of morality and goodness. To read more about these role models, especially if I haven’t suggested a biography, do an online search which can lead you to essays or books about them.
17th Century
Maharal of Prague (technically, he’s just beyond 400 years as he died in 1609, but he’s such a towering figure that I am breaking the rules here) – a great rabbi and leader for all Jews
Gluckel of Hameln – inspiring woman who overcame many challenges – please read her autobiography
18th Century
The Ba’al Shem Tov – founder of Hasidut, who gave great hope to thousands of Jews, and began a positive, religious revolution
Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev – great Hasidic master who always defended Jews
;
19th – 20th Centuries
Rabbi Yisrael Salanter – created movement to stress ethics and morality at all times – like Franklin, some of his followers would also write down their flaws daily in order to improve daily
Rabbi Yisrael Kagan (the “Chafetz Chaim”) – brilliant scholar who stressed the evils of gossip, known for his great sense of ethics and humility
Rabbi Abraham Isaac Hacohen Kook – first Chief Rabbi of Palestine, known for his great love of all Jews, regardless of background or observance
Hannah Senesh and the founders of “NILI” – courageous young Jews who paid with their lives trying to save lives of Jews in Europe and Israel before the establishment of the State of Israel
Holocaust - "Hasidic Tales of the Holocaust" by Yaffa Eliach to learn about Jewish heroism in the midst of the greatest evil imaginable.
David Ben Gurion and Golda Meir – two of Israel’s founders and great leaders (I really could add the tens of others who played crucial roles in establishing Israel – hopefully, you’ll be inspired and read about people like Menahem Begin and Mickey Marcus, or watch the movie about the latter, “Cast a Giant Shadow”)
Rabbi Aryeh Levin – great Jerusalem rabbi who gave great comfort to Jews imprisoned by the British (read the wonderful biography, “A Tzaddik in Our Time”)
Eli Cohen – incredible Israeli spy in Syria, whose work played a crucial role for Israel’s security – read “Our Man in Damascus”
Yoni Netanyahu – the hero of the Entebbe rescue whom you can read about in “The Letters of Yoni Netanyahu”)
Professor Nehama Leibowitz – great Bible scholar and pedagogue, known for her great humility (there are a number of biographies on her)
Natan Sharansky – Prisoner of Zion who defeated Soviet tyranny – read his “Fear No Evil”
As mentioned, these are but a few examples of the role models, both past and present, who should give us inspiration and help us reach our goals of being the best Jews that we can be. Enjoy your journey.
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Question: Everyone knows most affairs happen at work and its easy to see why. Now that I am married, I'd like avoid that ever happening to our marriage, but I am so used to the banter and the latent sexual edge of office life. Are there any Jewish guidelines that can help me stay true to myself, true to my wife, and still a part of the office crowd?
Yes, as with any serious topic in life, Judaism has much to say on this subject. We live in an over-sexed society, where certain people are constantly trying to push the “sexual edge”, which the 24/7 media and blogosphere document with an almost obsessive fervor. For anyone who reads the paper, looks at subway ads or even listens to radio commercials, it is almost impossible to escape this sexual climate.
Traditional Judaism has always viewed sex and discussion of sexuality as a more private matter that is invariably sullied when pushed into the public forum. The Hebrew term for marriage in Judaism is kiddushin, which stresses the fact that each spouse has chosen the other as his or her exclusive partner. We achieve holiness, or kedusha, the root of kiddushin, when we separate something of value from its remainder, whether the Sabbath from the other six days of the week, or a spouse from all the other available men or women. As the Torah hints (Genesis 2:24), sexual intimacy creates unity between husband and wife not only on a physical level, but also on the intellectual and emotional planes. The privacy and uniqueness of this relationship elevates what can be an animalistic instinct into a sacred union, which hopefully carries over into all aspects of the marriage, and vice versa.
In the office, there is a strong pull to be like one of the boys (or girls), which is understandable. None of us wants to be that “holier than thou” guy who is aloof, especially since teamwork has become such an important part of the workplace. While you didn’t mention the issue, every workplace has rules against sexual harassment, which often can include inappropriate banter, innuendo etc. This is obviously a welcome and much needed safeguard against unethical and/or illegal behavior, and is in line with Jewish tradition. Assuming then, that you are referring to non-harassing sexual banter, one can still be a full teammate without participating in it, and without getting on a pedestal. When the conversation moves into that area, you can remain silent, or deflect the conversation to another area. People may pick up on this, and naturally begin to lessen the banter, and some may ask you to explain this change of behavior. At that point, in a non-moralizing way, you can say that as a married man, you feel uncomfortable talking about such things, and that you and your wife have chosen to maintain privacy about sexual matters in order to enhance your own relationship. From my own experience in the workplace, I have always found that if you are consistent and matter of fact in your behavior, people will respect you, which can have positive effects in all aspects of your work.
Beyond the banter, there are many other workplace challenges to a healthy marriage, especially if there is intensive work with members of the opposite gender. There are also certain social expectations, whether lunches, after-hours drinks, or travel-related entertainment. When in such situations, or on Facebook with a colleague or acquaintance, always ask yourself whether you would share such communications, or delineate your activities, with or to your spouse. If you can’t, then you know that you are crossing a line, and that you must pull back. Jewish law also proscribes being alone with a member of the opposite sex, other than your spouse or close relative, in order to stop inappropriate behavior. There are also Jewish restrictions against physical affection between people not married to each other (again excluding close relatives), also meant to ensure that the sacredness of the physical relationship between spouses is maintained.
The challenges can be difficult, but if you focus on your work, and maintain your vigilance against untoward communications and behavior, you will cement your marriage, and ensure that an ephemeral moment of pleasure does not threaten a permanent relationship with the person that you chose from all others.
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Question: With all the talk about democracy vs Islamic rule in Tunisia and Egypt, I was wondering how very different our own religion was.... If our very religious extremists had their way, would Israel be a democracy? How can we reconcile the modern ideal of democracy with the (seemingly) clear preference in our own texts for autocratic rule (monarchy)?
In your "(seemingly)" caveat, you'll find the rub. It is quite clear from the Torah (Devarim 17:14) and the Prophets (Samuel 1, 8:7-21) that, in fact, our Jewish texts are not big fans of monarchy. God, recognizing human nature, understands that we Jews also "just want to be like Mike", and, copying the nations of the world, will want to have kings. God, and his prophet Sh'muel, warn us that this comes with terrible risks, including servitude and repressive autocracy, but God allows the Jewish people to walk down the path it chooses here ("God said to Sh'muel, ...for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me, that I should not reign over them", ibid.). History has shown us that this, indeed, has been a poor choice with wicked and immoral kings greatly outnumbering the righteous ones.
The Torah, while teaching eternal lessons for living, is a book of law, and together with the Oral Law/Talmud, forms the foundation for Jewish law, or Halacha. All Jews are commanded to follow Halacha, even kings, so your question is not so much about kings, but about the Halacha's approach to democracy. While books have been written about this (e.g. Tolerance, Dissent and Democracy, ed. Moshe Sokol, Jason Aronson, especially the first two articles ), in short, there is no conflict between Halacha and democracy. While there may be "religious extremists" who would try to impose their views upon others and take away their freedom, this has never been an accepted approach. During our exile and when permitted by the local authorities, Jewish communities were governed by Jewishly elected officials often working in tandem with the local government. Judaism has always recognized the basic tenets of democracy, including the equality of all people created in the "image of God". The Israeli government has always both been supported by and included religious parties spanning the spectrum of Orthodoxy, and while they may vehemently disagree on many issues, no mainstream religious authorities have ever, to my knowledge, tried to overturn the basic tenets of democracy.
Judaism, which predates the political theory of democracy by about 1000 years, is predicated upon the idea of freedom of choice, a hallmark of democracy as well. While all Jews are commanded by the Torah, no one can force another Jew to keep these laws. We do see some "religious extremists" who use fear and illicit power to intimidate other Jews, but these are a small minority who defy the foundational Jewish traditions of civility and tolerance - "The Torah's ways are of pleasantness and of peace" (Proverbs 3:17). In any event, Jews certainly have the right to choose our political leaders, whether in Israel or the Diaspora. In fact, Jewish law mandates that we follow the law of the land in all civil and criminal matters (i.e. if the government disallows Shabbat, we do not abide by such a ruling, but we do abide by all laws governing commerce, crime etc.) even when such laws contradict what the Halacha might say about such matters. In sum, the Islamic world could learn a great deal from Jewish law in trying to blend the ideals of democracy and religious law to create a modern society that stands for liberty and justice for each individual.
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Question: Some of Bernie Madoff's property is up for auction. While selling his wares to raise money to repay those he scammed is a good thing, isn't it kind of unsettling for people to want to own things formerly used by a fraudster? What does Judaism say about this?
First, if it's unsettling for anyone to be connected to Bernie Madoff, I would suggest that they not purchase any of his goods. Fundamentally, though, while Jewish law attaches sacred significance to certain goods that were sanctified for Temple use, such a concept does not apply to cotemporary chattels (a fancy name for goods, just to mix it up). People may attach sentimental value to goods, but we cross over into superstition, a very un-Jewish idea, when we believe that Bernie Madoff's or any other criminal's goods bear some sort of "kooties".
It is also important to briefly note that Jewish law does not recognize the legal construct of bankruptcy, whereby one can absolve oneself of various debts with such a declaration. According to Jewish law, one must pay back one's debts to the best of one's abilities, and can not be absolved of this obligation until one has completely paid off the debt or the creditors forgive such debt (there may be some exceptions to this rule in the commercial context based on Jewish law's interaction with secular law - i.e. the concept that "the law of the land is the law", but that is a much larger discussion). Thus, while Madoff will never be able to undo most of the terrible damage that he inflicted upon hundreds of people, using his goods to repay part of his debts is a start. Were he not in prison, he would be obligated to work and funnel all of his earned money to his debtors. Even after his death, the obligation to pay off his debts would enjoin his estate until every last penny is repaid.
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Question: Do you think a new Canaanite Movement, a la Yonatan Ratosh, could be appropriate for our times? Why not?
As an observant Jew, I feel quite confident that we have the best Movement around, though unfortunately many people, both within and without, obscure the beauty of Judaism. Clearly, then, the main thrust of the Canaanites, as I understand, to negate Judaism and create a new culture based on the ancient Canaanite one, is wholly antithetical to traditional Judaism. Even putting the Jewish angle aside, though, the Canaanites were always a tiny movement, comprised of some intellectuals whose ideas clashed with the reality of today's Middle East, where the vast majority of the Arab world also has no interest in such a reconstruction.
Since the time of Avraham, and continuing through all our travails throughout history, Israel has always been the home of the Jewish people. While Israel still faces many internal and external challenges, the loving reunion between land and people that we have witnessed over the past century clearly demonstrates the eternal relevance of Judaism in Israel and around the world. By learning more about Judaism and correctly applying its wisdom and moral teachings to contemporary Israel, we will hopefully soon see an ideal society which will serve as a guide to the rest of the world.
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Question: If a child is born to a Jewish mother and a non-Jewish father, how is s/he named? Is it still ben (or bat) biodad's English name? Or..?
Based on the wording in the Torah and as delineated in the Talmud, Jewish law has always recognized matrilineal descent in defining one’s Jewishness. Thus, in the above scenario, the child is clearly a Jew, but it is not so clear how s/he would be named. Jewish custom has generally used the person’s mother’s name (i.e. Rachel bat Sarah) when we pray for such person’s healing, and the father’s name when calling a man for an aliyah to the Torah or in identifying people in documents such as the ketubah (i.e. Yitzchak ben Avraham or Rachel bat Avraham). These names identified people before the advent of family names, and we continue to maintain this custom today.
Due to the tragic increase of assimilation, the above scenario is common, but as the child is Jewish, it is important that s/he be given a Jewish name. The Midrash (homiletical and legal teachings on the Torah) stresses that by giving their children Jewish names, the assimilated Jews in Egypt maintained their identity. Based on discussions with colleagues, there would be two options in our case. S/he could be called ben or bat Avraham, since Avraham is considered to be the father of all Jews, or ben or bat of the mother, without using the father’s name. It would clearly be inappropriate to use the non-Jewish father's English name in giving a Jewish/Hebrew name to the child.
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Question: Given the serious commandment of kibud av' v'em (honoring father and mother), ought a person attend the interfaith wedding of his or her parent, even if they don't "agree" with intermarriage per se?
As you haven't provided any details regarding this situation - i.e. the level of people's observance and their ages, the nature of the relationship between parent and child, the possibility of future conversion, whether the wedding ceremony will include other religious rites, the intent of the couple to have more children etc. - I will first answer generally. When there is a possible conflict between one's Jewish observance and the mitzvah of honouring one's parents, Jewish law is clear - since both children and parents are commanded to follow God's Torah, we must follow the Torah (Bava Metzia 32a). In the ideal situation, of course, there should be no conflict, as parents and children should both reflect and epitomize Jewish observance, concomitantly bringing the family together in loving harmony. Unfortunately, however, we often have cases like the one above, though the shoes are usually on the opposite feet.
While the parent here is not telling his child to transgress a specific law, the celebration of a marriage is obviously a very significant event, with the ceremony reflecting the bride and groom's values. Due to the significant danger that intermarriage poses for the future of the Jewish people, it would seem highly inappropriate to attend such a wedding, even if they won't be having children. The child should sit down with his parent and other family members and explain that while he deeply loves and honours such parent, going to such a wedding would be too painful for him. It is important to stress that an adult child may not condone everything a parent does, but can still love and respect such parent.
Nevertheless, there may be some grey in what might reflexively seem like a black and white issue. For example, depending on the family dynamics and the risk of deeply alienating the parent or other family members, I could envision a situation whereby the child would attend the reception, but skip the ceremony under all circumstances, especially if it involved other religious rites. This type of compromise would send the proper message about the importance of the Jewish tradition, while clearly showing that the child still greatly values his relationship to his parent, even in trying circumstances. There is no easy answer to this very difficult question, but by respectfully observing both the letter and spirit of Jewish law, while continuing to show love to one’s parent, it may be possible to both maintain one’s family’s love and respect, while remaining true to one’s deepest values.
One last point - while the details here may lead to somewhat different conclusions, the overall thrust of my response is an example of the difference between Jewish and modern liberal values, in which acceptance of almost any viewpoint is valid and defining right and wrong is generally frowned upon. There are objective criteria in defining such Jewish values and when these values conflict with contemporary values, which can change over a short period, Jewish tradition and history teaches us to follow eternal Jewish values. How to apply them, of course, is a bit more difficult, but we pray that God guides us in this pursuit.
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Question: What self-censorship boundaries should there be on non-Israeli Jews in talking about Israel, if any? Is it disloyal for a Jew to point out the faults or flaws of the state of Israel?
While this is a very difficult issue touching upon a sensitive balance between personal autonomy and loyalty to our people and state, we should apply a common-sense approach, recognizing that such approach may change depending on a number of variables. These include the specific topic at hand, its impact on Diaspora Jews, and Israel’s standing in the world. At this time, when there is a cruel and Orwellian campaign to delegitimize Israel throughout the world, we as Jews have to be extra careful in supporting Israel, especially when there are so many misinformed Jews who jump to criticize Israel, giving cover to those who want to harm her.
Nevertheless, there may be times when criticism is warranted, but the critic must always ask himself, what is the purpose of my criticism and will it actually be constructive? While criticism of a country may not fit under the halakhic rubric of lashon ha'ra (speaking truthful words against others for no positive purpose), this principle can help guide us in this issue. Very generally, we are allowed to relay negative information about others if there is a productive purpose which will save others from harm. For example, if one knows that a business partner is a crook or that one's boyfriend is a fraud, one must disclose that information to the unwitting victim.
While, again, the analogy is not fully accurate, the admonition against speaking ill of Israel for no actual, productive purpose applies here. If a prospective critic feels that his public criticism can somehow help Israel, or perhaps repair some chilul Hashem (desecration of God's name), then it may be appropriate. While there is no separation of synagogue and state in Israel, and thus, it's difficult to clearly distinguish between the two, we may also want to separate between political and religious criticism. If one disagrees with political decisions that a duly-elected Israeli government has passed, it does not seem appropriate to publicly criticize such decisions from the Diaspora. Israel is a democracy, and the same way most people would agree that it's inappropriate for a Fijian to criticize a Congressional Act, such a stance would apply for a Diaspora Jew who does not pay taxes or vote, with regard to Israel. If one wants to criticize Israeli policy regarding security, immigration or healthcare, one can move there and effect change from within, but not by penning maligning missives from one's armchair.
Whether it’s the issue of anti-terrorism, treatment of Israeli Arabs or “disproportionate force”, very often, people who find fault with Israel haven't spent significant time there and don't have all the facts (yes, I know there are exceptions). Critics also generally ignore the context of Israel’s actions and judge Israel in a way they do not judge other democracies or even tyrannies, neglecting to point out that Israel is a tiny democracy with a robust free press, Arab members of the Knesset and the judiciary, yet it is surrounded by numerous Islamist countries bent on its destruction. If, considering all of these factors, one feels a real need to criticize, work from within, but not in the blogsphere where such criticism will be used by real anti-semites - oops, anti-Zionists - to attack Israel.. If you feel so passionate that you must express yourself about an issue, then align yourself with similarly minded mainstreamIsraelis who send their children to the army and who deeply care about the country - let them guide your actions.
When it comes to religious issues, however, there may be times when it is appropriate to question even duly-passed laws because of the effect they may have on all of Jewry. This, too, however, should be done carefully by trying to build bridges with religious leaders in Israel and helping them understand the effect of certain statements or laws upon world Jewry. Currently, there is a big brouhaha over pending legislation regarding conversion, and while there has been much misinformation, this is an area where there must be cooperation between Israel and the Diaspora. If you feel that certain religious issues in Israel are causing people to view Judaism in a skewed way, first make sure that you understand the issue fully, speak to your rabbi and find out if anything is being done that reflect your views. You can also contact your local Jewish federation or other groups that support Israel, along with the closest Israeli Consulate or Embassy to let them know how you feel and ask for clarification.
Bottom line, and this applies to all areas of life, before any knee-jerk criticism, make sure that you engage in dialogue, especially when there is such monstrous venom directed against Israel by hypocrites and haters, who don’t seem to care about actual, terrible injustices around the world. The desire to criticize can actually be a good sign if it means that one is engaged with and cares deeply for Israel, but how it’s expressed is the issue. There’s obviously much more to discuss and there is no easy answer to this but especially in today’s climate, one should be very careful to ensure that any criticism will be constructive and come from a place of love for Israel.
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Question: Many of political candidates and leaders seem to have a conservative view of the role of religion in public life. What does our faith teach us about the influence of religion on public policy?
We can divide this question into two interrelated issues:1)Should religious leaders involve themselves in politics?; and 2)How should a politician’s religion influence his politics?
It is appropriate that I write these words during Chanukah, when we celebrate both the miraculous Hasmonean-led victory over the militarily superior Syrian-Greeks and the single-day supply of oil that lasted eight days in the Beit Hamikdash (Temple).Nachmanides, the towering medieval rabbinic authority, posits that while the Hasmoneans had wonderful intentions of preserving our Torah, they and their descendants were punished for usurping the kingship, and ultimately cut off from the Jewish people.How could that be?Nachmanides explains that they violated the Torah’s restriction against kohanim (priests) of mixing religion and politics (Genesis 49:10).As kohanim, the Hasmoneans’ main task was to serve God in the Temple, while leaving state matters to others more suited to the often-sullying world of politics.The Torah is clear – synagogue and state must have separate leaders.
That, however, is not the whole story.The Torah also mandates that Jewish kings must carry an actual Torah scroll with them at all times (D'varim/Deuteronomy 17:19), which seems to blur the lines between synagogue and state.Briefly, it seems clear that the king’s constant possession of a Torah scroll is meant to remind him that, notwithstanding great political or military power, he must be loyal to the Torah and serve God.His primary task remains political – he should not be issuing religious rulings, as religious leaders should not be issuing political promulgations.
Clearly, this is easier said than done, as there can be much overlap between the religious and political, as recent debates regarding stem cell harvesting, the environment and gay marriage indicate. In sum, religious leaders, especially those who lack experience and knowledge of political issues, should generally steer clear of politics, and focus on purely religious issues, such as inspiring their adherents to both greater observance and being better overall people (yes, I know that sounds a bit simplistic but I’ve got limited space here).In the rare occasion where a religious leader is sufficiently broad-based to be a successful politician, he must be especially careful, as any blunder will reflect poorly on Judaism, as we unfortunately see constantly in Israel. If a religious leader does enter politics, especially in the US, he must recognize that he was not elected to act as a rabbi, and must serve the interests of the entire populace.
A “plain” observant Jew who enters politics must also be on his best behavior at all times.As we know, politics can bring out the worst in people, and a Jew contemplating entering this world must have confidence that he can be one of those rare politicians who can maintain his honesty and integrity.If he will have to compromise his Jewish values and observance, he should take a pass.Otherwise, while religion will clearly inform his worldview, if he will risk his constituents’ best interests to preserve his religious priorities, I would suggest he stay out of direct politics and, like any other citizen, seek to influence things from outside.Again, he is not being elected as a rabbi, and if he doesn’t understand that, he should perhaps become an actual rabbi and leave legislating to the legislators.
As citizens of whatever country we live in, we have the right to lobby and participate in the public debate, but this must always be done with seichel, or common sense.Judaism clearly has much to teach the world in the realm of public policy, whether regarding Wikileaks or healthcare, and Jewish authorities should most definitely participate in the public sphere, but we must never impose our views upon others.Judaism has tremendous treasures to offer the entire world, and we must engage the political world with the force of our morality and values.At the end of the day, a Jew’s mission is to be a Kiddush Hashem, to sanctify God’s name, a generally risky proposition in the area of politics, but with both the proper intentions and representatives, that should be something we can attain.
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Question: I pass a homeless man every morning on my way to work. How obligated am I as a Jew to give him money? Friends have said that it is better to give to agencies and charities that help the homeless, but I always feel horrible when I pass him.
Unfortunately, the situation that you describe is a common one which exposes our human limitations. There are two basic issues which this scenario raises: 1)How do we prioritize our limited material resources; and 2)How, or should we ascertain whether every person seeking money is truly needy?
While the Torah tells us to open our hands to the poor (D’varim/Deuteronomy 15:8), it does not specify how much of our own resources we must allocate for this purpose. From the language of the verse, we have a theoretical obligation to give to each person who asks us for help. The Talmud explains, however, and this is codified in The Code of Jewish Law (Yoreh Deah 249:1), that we must give a minimum of 10% and a maximum of 20% of our income for tzedakah (from the root tzedek-justice). Clearly, then, especially in a society where there are constant needs, it is impossible to give to everyone, though a great teacher of mine – Rav Zalman Nechemia Goldberg – once told me that in order to fulfill the plain meaning of the verse, he followed the beautiful custom in Jerusalem in his youth, which was to walk around with sugar cubes so that he could give something to every needy person who asked. Thus, one should prioritize, as tzedakah truly does begin at home and those closest to you should be taken care of before we look outward to different communities, countries etc. (Yoreh Deah 251:3). Notwithstanding that, each person has the right and choice to give to whom he chooses, so if you want to give something to this specific homeless man, you clearly may do so.
Unfortunately, we do know that there are frauds posing as poor people, and while this is hopefully a small percentage of seekers, this is a cause for concern. Strictly speaking, Jewish law mandates that if someone claims that he has no money for food, we provide for him without checking his claims (Yoreh Deah 251:10). Otherwise, one may ask for verification, something that a competent agency/charity hopefully does, thus providing a measure of confidence to donors that their donations are going to poor people.
Bottom line, the decision in your scenario is clearly yours. If, after considering the above factors, you choose not to give, you should not feel “horrible”. If you so choose, there are other things you can do besides giving him money. As Rambam (Maimonides) states, the highest form of tzedakah is helping someone find a job (Laws of Gifts to the Poor, 10:7). While I’m not sure if Hemingway studied Rambam, he sums up this idea in his famous dictum of “give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; teach him to fish, you feed him for a lifetime”. This can mean putting him in touch with an agency for the homeless, which can hopefully help this person get off the streets and gain independence. Most importantly, we must show kindness and empathy to the homeless and everyone in difficult straits, which ultimately might be of greater benefit than a random dollar bill.
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Question: I dislike my job & want to quit. I'd like to do it in a time frame that works for me, but I'd also like to do it in a way that's not offensive to my employers & allows them ample time to find a replacement. What's the best way - & the Jewish way - to address a touchy situation like this?
As reflected in the Ten Commandments, which describe specific obligations first to God and then to our fellow man, we are obligated to treat people with honesty and dignity.As the great rabbinic sage Hillel states, “Whatever is hateful to you, do not do to others” (Shabbat 31A).This, along with the provisions of your work agreement, should be your guide in this situation.
It is laudable that you want to “do the right thing”, which is to leave your employment with minimal harm to your employers.Unless you signed a contract which would only allow you to leave with specific cause, there is obviously nothing wrong with quitting.It is important that you find satisfaction in your work, but as you rightly note, that doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of your employer.Jewish law mandates that we follow the law of the land in all civil matters, which covers employment.Almost all agreements have provisions covering when you need to give notice before leaving your job, which you should follow.As long as you are doing your job to the best of your abilities, which is what each employee owes his employer, you can decide when you want to give notice i.e. once you have another job lined up.Thank your employers for the opportunity they have given you, and let them know that you will be happy to help your successor in the transition.As long as you follow the provisions of your agreement and common sense, you can be sure that you are following the best and Jewish way of leaving work.Good luck.
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Question: How can I politely, yet firmly, explain to Christians that their faith does not supercede mine; the Hebrew Bible is not merely the "Old Testament" and that Jews are not simply Christians without Jesus?
I am concerned with Derekh Eretz (proper behavior), but also with clearly stating the validity of my views and beliefs.
As a tactical matter, it is generally best to steer clear of discussions of theological differences between believers of different faiths. As Jews, we do not actively proselytize, as we believe that all keepers of basic morality, encapsulated in the Seven Noahide Laws, will be rewarded by God. As far as I know, Judaism is the only major religion that posits that one does not have to be a member of the faith to receive eternal rewards. Thus, we should respect other people’s faith, especially believers in peaceful monotheism and only those who do not preach hatred and violence against other religions. People often get very emotional about their religion, sometimes leading to confrontation, so it’s best to deflect conversations when the other religionist is only trying to bait you or “save” you. You shouldn’t feel that you need to explain your beliefs to others, but rather, you should continue to work on becoming the best and most confident Jew you can be.
Very often, Jews, lacking basic knowledge of our wonderful religion, are confronted by a proselytizer citing impressive sounding verses that seem to show that Judaism does not apply anymore or other loopy ideas. If you are that Jew, it’s best to remove yourself immediately from that situation, explaining that you’d prefer to keep your religious convictions and practices private, and then find a more knowledgeable Jew who can either answer your questions or provide answers to the proselytizer. Do not allow yourself to get drawn into a discussion with talented sophists who can twist words and meanings, unless you have a strong base of Jewish knowledge.
Sometimes, however, we have no choice but to engage the opposing religionist in conversation. With regard to your situation, the first question is whether your friend is trying to proselytize you or is honestly curious. If it’s the former, see the previous paragraph. If it’s the latter, you can still state that religion is a very personal matter and you prefer to respect others’ religions and you thus hope that your friend will respect your right to practice religion privately without needing to answer to other people. If that doesn’t suffice, the next step will really depend upon your knowledge as alluded to above. If you don’t have a strong Jewish background, and are unaware of the history of Jewish-Christian polemics, you can politely but firmly state that you are a proud Jew but you don’t feel comfortable answering theological questions. You can suggest that your Christian friend read a good Jewish introductory book, such as “To Be A Jew” by Rabbi C.H. Donin, “This Is My God” by Herman Wouk or “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Judaism” by Rabbi B. Blech. If you’d like to learn about some general differences between Judaism and Christianity, please see what I wrote at http://jewishvaluesonline.com/question.php?id=50&cprg=%2Fsearch.php%3Fsearchtxt%3Dchristianity%26what%3DA on this site.
In addition, if you haven’t read the above-mentioned books, you may want to take the opportunity to do so or attend classes on Judaism so the next time someone says, “Hey, what’s with that Judaism thing? Isn’t it time you joined our religion”, you can answer with confidence and aplomb. Good luck.
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Question: I have heard that my grandma's parents came from Israel. How do I find out about that? Does that make me Jewish?
One becomes a Jew in one of two ways: 1)by being born to a Jewish mother; or 2)by converting to Judaism. In your situation, the first question is whether you are referring to your maternal or paternal grandmother. If this is your maternal one, then you must try to ascertain whether her mother was, indeed Jewish, which would make you Jewish. While it may create a strong suggestion, being from Israel in itself does not make one Jewish, both now and 60-80 years ago when your great grandparents may have been living in Israel.
Assuming we are referring to your maternal grandmother‘s parents, your first detective steps should focus upon speaking to any family members who may have information about your great grandmother, i.e where she is buried so that you can check for any Jewish reference on her grave, Jewish traditions that she may have passed on to family, whether she was married in a synagogue, or Jewish documents she may have left behind etc. You may also want to contact the Israeli government and its Interior Ministry through your local Israeli consulate or embassy, or directly, to see whether they have any documentation on your great grandmother. You can also try Itim (http://eng.itim.org.il), a wonderful English speaking organization that helps people deal with personal status and other religious issues in Israel. You may also want to consult with a genealogist who may be able to get you your answers.
If you are able to ascertain that your maternal great grandmother was Jewish, and there is a direct maternal line between her and your mother, then you are Jewish. If that is the case, I welcome you back to our family and hope that you will learn more about the wonderful heritage that we share. In any event, I wish you luck in your sleuthing, and applaud you for taking the time to check such a crucial area of life. Please let us know what happens and if we can be of further help.
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Question: Are Jews required to do anything special to "repair the world" after the gulf oil spill? Is there a Jewish perspective on how this tragic accident should impact our view on offshore oil drilling moving forward?
Jews are always required to do “something special” to “repair the world”, but we must first define our terms. The earliest use of tikkun olam, the idea of repairing the world, occurs in the Talmud in the context of certain rabbinical enactments meant to address possible social injustice or communal problems. The principle, however, extends beyond the Jewish community and into the broader world, as evidenced by the exhortation that punctuates our three daily prayers – “l’taken olam b’malchut sha-[k]ai” (to repair the world through/under God). In fact, we must view this imperative through this prism, i.e. that our repair must conform to God’s will as described in His Torah. This is the force of the kabbalistic/mystical idea of “Histakel b’oraita bara alma”, that God looked into the Torah and created the world. Thus, the Torah is really the blueprint for the design and operation of the world, and by delving into the Torah, its teachings on justice and holiness, we can discover what the ideal world should look like.
The Torah teaches us that we must take care of the environment (see Deuteronomy 20:19 and commentaries, among other sources), and the Talmud discusses in great detail the design of cities to maximize beauty and minimize discomfort to the residents (see the 2nd Chapter of Bava Batra). Jewish tradition, based on the above verse, stresses that we must preserve the world, while not causing undue waste in any area of our lives (the prohibition of bal tashchit). This seemingly utopian ideal, however, is balanced by our mandate to literally conquer the world (see Genesis 1:28), which, in tandem with the prophet Yeshayahu’s statement that the world was created for mankind to settle (see 45:18), generally means that we are to use the resources of the world to our benefit. Over the past few thousand years, mankind has literally conquered the world, using our collective creativity and intelligence to create what was unimaginable for previous generations.
Clearly, then, the Torah, in its inviting complexity, is exhorting us to find the golden mean between protecting and preserving our resources while continually improving our way of life. Whether the question is offshore drilling, cloning or space exploration, we must always analyze the risks/benefits as above – are there better ways to fuel our energy needs at less risk to both mankind (the most important factor) and the environment? This should be solely a question for disinterested experts in science and energy exploration, without any of the tawdry political machinations that often cloud climate and energy clarity. If there are safer ways to produce energy that will fuel the legitimate needs of mankind, then those should be explored, even if they cost more, though such costs would not be unlimited.
This question is actually a good example of the sophistication of Jewish law, which understands that there are rarely black and white issues in applying Halacha to modern questions. A Torah scholar must thus weigh all factors and ideally find a compromise which will balance the various principles which lie behind an issue such as offshore drilling. Thus, while a Jewish perspective on the issue will have to weigh the benefits of such drilling to the inherent risks, this is independent of the clear Jewish mandate to preserve our world, and not needlessly waste things, whether electricity, food or any resource. We must also ensure that both government and corporations fulfill their ethical imperatives, and not turn blind eyes to danger in exchange for political capital or extra profits. By living our lives modestly according to Jewish law, and inspiring others to “do the right thing”, we will hopefully ensure that all of our needs are met while we continue to preserve all the beauty of God’s world for future generations.
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Question: What's the Jewish perspective on disciplining children? Are there limits on punishments that a parent is supposed to impose on their child?
The question of discipline is a good example of an area where we have to understand the Torah’s broad values, rather than reading from a list of rules as we bring up our children. Children have two commandments regarding our parents – to both love and respect/be in awe of them. Our parents brought us into the world, and we, thus, have an obligation of gratitude to them during our entire lives, even after their deaths. Clearly, though, most five year olds, let alone 15 year olds, haven’t necessarily gotten that memo, leaving parents in a difficult position where they’ll need all their parenting skills. The two most relevant statements of advice in the Jewish tradition are likely: 1) King Solomon’s reminder to: “Educate your child according to whom he is” (Proverbs 22:6); and 2) the Talmudic statement to “have your left hand push away and your right hand bring closer” (Sotah 47a), which even Bart Simpson reminded Krusty the Clown’s father after he had disowned Krusty . Clearly, every situation must be approached with love, as the Talmud implies. It is only the proverbial left hand, the weaker hand for the majority, that can discipline children, and it is must be guided by the dominant right, loving hand.
In general, discipline plays an important role in raising children by teaching them how to behave appropriately, creating proper boundaries etc. The tricky part is the method of disciplining. If disciplined with love and consistency from an early age, children generally will mature into responsible adolescents and productive adults. What, however, should a parent do if he has read every parenting book, gone to Parenting 101 through 999, and the child still resembles Bam Bam more than Pebbles? Can a parent ever hit a child as a last resort?
King Solomon states that “Whoever spares the rod hates his son but if you love him, you will chasten him at an early age” (Proverbs 13:24). While this would seem to allow hitting one’s child in extreme situations, Jewish law takes very clear stands against the physical and emotional abuse of children, and thus hitting one’s children (beyond constraining them if they are acting wildly) stands outside normative Jewish practice. In addition, “rod” need not be taken literally, but as a metaphor to “tough love” and discipline – i.e. that parents have to teach their children appropriate behavior, and mustn’t let them run wild, as a lack of involvement leads to various negative consequences.
In addition, the Talmud warns parents not to hit their older children lest they unwittingly cause their children to hit back, a severe Biblical prohibition that the parents would be culpable for causing (Moed Katan 17a). Similarly, the Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law) states that parents shouldn’t be overbearing with their children regarding their own honor, and should turn a blind eye when children don’t honor their parents as fully as they could (Yoreh Deah 240:19).
Love and happiness must govern one’s relationship with one’s children. Even if the situation demands that parents display anger to teach children the importance of a certain idea, it must be feigned, for anger is considered one of the most odious characteristics (see Maimonides, Laws of Human Characteristics (De’ot) 2:3). Measured punishments are also appropriate in order to teach lessons, but should never be used out of vindication or frustration – this is a sure way to turn children away from their parents. Parents should explain rationally to their children why they are being punished and how they can ensure that future punishments will be unnecessary with a change of behavior or attitude.
Bottom line, disciplining children is a fundamental responsibility for parents, but can never cross the line into any form of abuse. One must know one’s child in order to determine when a strong or soft hand is most appropriate. While there are no guarantees when it comes to children, raising them with traditional values of belief in God, respect for others and fidelity to Jewish law in a joyous and loving atmosphere should obviate the more difficult parts of discipline, ensuring that children will grow into productive and loving parents themselves.
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First, it is important to note that Jewish tradition views the body as the repository of the soul, and thus the body is considered a holy vessel which has been entrusted to each person to lovingly preserve. God breathed into man “the breath of life” (Genesis 2:7), endowing each individual with a “Tzelem Elokim”, a divine image, which should guide us in how we take care of ourselves both in life and death. Accordingly, when a Jew dies, we treat the body with the utmost respect, ritually purifying it and burying the body as soon as possible, ideally within one day, unless there are serious extenuating circumstances, such as children arriving from out of town.
Cremation is antithetical to both Jewish law and philosophy, as this is considered a great sign of disrespect for the divinely infused body. From a legal standpoint, the Torah, or Bible, explicitly states that the body must be buried in the ground (see Deuteronomy 21:23 in the context of capital punishment). [i] In addition, the Talmud explains that the verse “You are dust/earth and to dust/earth shall you return” (Genesis 3:19) indicates that we must have underground burial. In the creation story, we are told that God created man from the “dust of the earth”, so it is appropriate that we return to that same earth upon our bodies’ end. This is codified in the authoritative Code of Jewish Law (Yoreh Deah 362:1) and has been normative Jewish practice throughout the ages.
In addition to the positive commandment to bury the dead, there is a specific commandment against mistreating the body or showing disrespect to it (Babba Batra 154a), which is clearly violated by cremation, which destroys the body, a practice best kept to things of which we want to rid ourselves.
Philosophically, taking care of a loved one’s body is the last act that we perform upon the physical form of the individual. What sort of message are we sending if our final action is a destructive one, physically obliterating the body? When a scroll of Torah or other sacred writings are beyond repair, we do not burn or destroy them in any way, but rather bury them lovingly. Should we do any less to an actual person/body which was once sanctified and was an expression of the Divine manifestation in this world?
(I want to thank Rabbi Chaim Steinmetz for his summary of the topic.)
[i]1. According to the Babylonian Talmud (Sanhedrin 46b), these words strongly allude to burial while the Jerusalem Talmud (Nazir 7:1) states that this verse indicates that burial is a biblical commandment.
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Question: What are the basic differences between Christianity and Judaism (apart from the Christian belief in the divinity of Jesus Christ)? How do these differences show up in what we are told is ethical and correct behavior?
Judaism[1] introduced monotheism to the world over 3500 years ago, stressing that there is one God who not only created the world, but who remains actively involved in our lives. What defines us as Jews are our belief in and fidelity to the Torah, given to the Jewish people at Mt. Sinai, which comprises the Written Law (the Five Books of Moses) and Oral Law, written down over 1800 years ago, and known as the Talmud. With this in mind, along with the recognition that a fuller answer would comprise books, we can focus on four fundamental differences:
1)Judaism is an all-encompassing way of life, as reflected in Jewish law, known as Halacha, which comes from the Hebrew “to walk”, as it guides us in our everyday life, both in our interactions amongst people and with God. Our foundational belief stresses that God is the Ultimate Commander who has given us 613 biblical commandments, as explained in the Talmud, meant to refine and anchor us in an often rudderless world by creating a community of law-abiding, caring and loving Jews, who are also bidden to be a positive influence upon the outside world. These commandments are explicated in the Talmud, which often takes seemingly simple statements (i.e. “an eye for an eye”) and gives the actual, practical meaning (this refers to monetary payment, and not God forbid, taking out someone’s eye as punishment). These hundreds of ritual, civil and ethical laws have been codified into the Halacha, which we believe is the way that God wants us to live our lives.
Halacha is a highly rigorous and sophisticated corpus of laws, defining not only how we must do business in the most ethical way possible, but also how we have to care for the stranger and the downtrodden. In reality, there is no bifurcation between ethics and other mandated laws – one cannot be a religious Jew if one is not ethical, the same way that an intentional violator of the Shabbat laws is, by definition, not an observant Jew. There is also a strong impetus in Judaism to go beyond the letter of the law, which applies to those ethical cases which may escape the formal strictures of Halacha.
I do not claim to be an expert on the various sects of Christianity, and am therefore unable to speak in as much detail as about Judaism, but as far as I know, there is nothing in Christianity. that approaches the idea of living a daily life sanctified by a multitude of precisely mandated actions, governing everything from how we eat, to how we invest. Christianity may have ethical codes, but the consequences for not keeping these ethical values are less severe than in Judaism's Halachic framework. While this may sound daunting or overbearing for some, Halacha still leaves room for individual freedoms and choice, while imbuing its followers with thousands of years of wisdom. Some might say that Christianity emphasizes creed while Judaism stresses deed, and while this is basically true, Judaism also does have a set of beliefs (i.e. see Maimonides’ Thirteen Principles of Faith from his commentary on the Talmud). But ultimately, action is more important than belief in Judaism, at the very least, in our human interactions.
2) Judaism believes that the bond that God created with our ancestors, beginning with Abraham and Sarah, continuing through the Prophets, and encompassing the Jewish people of all ages, remains firm and unchanging. We reject the idea of a new testament adding to an old testament - the Five Books of Moses, along with the Prophets and Writings comprise our canon (the "Tanach"), and reflect the last direct, public words that God has spoken to us. While we encourage all people to believe in a monotheistic God, we reject the idea that God has rejected us. God's ways are generally unfathomable, but the Jewish people's travails through the ages are reflective of the prophecies in Tanach, and do not, as early Christianity posited, point to a new religion replacing Judaism.
3) Judaism does not believe in hierarchy. Your entry-level coffee getter at Imnobody.com has the same direct line to God as the righteous, revered rabbi who spends his days immersed in our Torah. As opposed to Christianity, in which only one individual was supposedly given certain powers without any witnesses, all approximately two million Jews stood at Mt. Sinai as part of the Revelation, hearing from God directly. As reflected in this democratic fact, we do not believe in intermediaries to whom you confess your sins – when we stumble, each and every one of us must turn to God directly and continue our daily dialogue with Him. This approach should lead us to value every individual, treating all people with dignity, while always exhibiting the highest ethical behavior.
4) Going even further, Judaism does not believe that non-Jews are doomed to eternal Hell. While we obviously believe that Judaism is the authentic religion (if we didn’t, why would we be Jewish?), we also do not believe that everyone must be Jewish to live meaningful lives and gain eternal rewards after our physical lives end. Judaism just asks all our fellow inhabitants of this word to keep the Seven Noahide laws, including setting up a justice system and the prohibitions against murder, theft and sexual immorality. We generally discourage conversion to Judaism, as we tell prospective converts – “What? Are you crazy? You want to be Jewish?”, roughly translated as: it’s much easier to be able to eat at Burger King, and you’ll also be rewarded if you live a moral life, so you may want to rethink this one. But if you do join us, you’re just as Jewish as Moses.
5) While Judaism most definitely believes in the concept of a next world, it also does not overemphasize it at the expense of this world. As a religion of life, Judaism teaches that whenever one’s life is in danger, one must transgress all the commandments, save the three cardinal sins of idolatry, sexual immorality and murder, if such action can possibly remove the danger. According to Maimonides, one of the two broad purposes of our lives is to be involved in “tikkun olam”, or repairing the world in the image of God (the other is to study Torah). Thus, each and every day of our lives should be infused with sanctity and awareness of our obligations to those around us. This, again, should lead to the highest ethical behavior and not just have us go through the motions or have a fatalistic view of this world.
And, of course, we believe that the Messiah has not yet come and that no human has died can be the Messiah. We sincerely hope, however, that by all Jews observing the Torah and incorporating the highest degrees of honesty and integrity in our lives, we will soon see that day, which will bring peace to the world, both for Jews and non-Jews.
[1] I refer here to mainstream, Orthodox Judaism, as it has generally been observed for millennia.
1. I refer to traditional, Orthodox Judaism as it has generally been practiced since Talmudic times.
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