Question: Is lust identified as the cause of masturbation in the Talmud or other rabbinic writings, or is masturbation considered as separate from lust? What do Jewish texts teach about these topics?
[Administrator's note: Questions that are related to these topics are found at:
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=1074 &
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=153.]
Is lust identified as the cause of masturbation in the Talmud or other rabbinic writings, or is masturbation considered as separate from lust? What do Jewish texts teach about these topics?
I am not sure of the real question which is being asked. Sexual desire is powerful. I am assuming lust is meant as a negative term. Lust which leads to inappropriate sexual gratification is considered a sin by rabbinic Judaism. The Talmud seeks to control those desires and to assure that they are gratified in appropriate ways.
The Talmud is concerned about masturbation as the inappropriate “spilling of seed” For example, in Talmud Niddah 13a there is a long discussion about whether a man may touch his penis while urinating. The concern seems to be that he might masturbate unintentionally or perhaps intentionally.
Sexual desire is a normal and natural. One is supposed to control one’s sexual desire and gratify them in appropriate ways. Rabbinic tradition teaches that sexual desire is to be gratified through sexual intercourse by married individuals. Today it is clear that sexual gratification outside of marriage in consensual relationships is acceptable. As long as the partners take appropriate birth control and disease prevention precautions. The ideal remains within the context of marriage.
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Question: How can a socially isolated Jew with Asperger syndrome find a Jewish soulmate?
[Administrator's note: A related question can be found on Jewish Values Online at: http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=860]
How can a socially isolated Jew with Asperger syndrome find a Jewish soulmate?
Finding a Jewish soulmate is always complex. Today many young and not so young Jews have been successful in finding a Jewish soulmate using websites like Jdate. Others have become involved with groups at their synagogue, JCC, Jewish Federation or one of the many Jewish social justice organizations that operate in communities across the country. The question posed here is difficult because biographical details are lacking. I am assuming social isolated means that person does not feel comfortable in the usual social settings that lead to the kind of encounters that which enable people to meet, interact and fall in love. I am also assuming that this condition caused by the person having Asperger syndrome. My hope would be that that the person him or herself could reach out to a local rabbi or Jewish Family Service counselor who could help him/her find ways to meet people in appropriately supportive settings. Perhaps a family member, friend or associate could help facilitate such an outreach. I am afraid that this answer is less the adequate. I do believe it is the responsibility of the Jewish community in line with our commitment to the concept that every human being is created betzelem Elohim( in the image of God) to see that Jewish with special needs are served in proactive ways. We constantly reminded that we have an obligation to the weakest members of the community such as the widow, the orphan and stranger. People with disabilities deserve our deepest concern and our best efforts. We should be grateful for the question and it should inspire us to try to find ways to seek out people who are socially isolated and help integrate them into the community
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Question: My beloved mother, 97 years old, is in intensive care in Buenos Aires, Argentina, I am in Canada, and also sick with bronchitis. My question is: if she seems to be ready to pass (go to olam habah) and wants me to come see her before that happens, but I am not able to go, what should I do. [What obligations do I have to honor my mother's wishes when it affects my own health?]
This is a difficult and painful situation. While the mitzvah to honor one's parents (kibbud av ve eim) is a very important mitzvah, the mitzvah of pikuach nefesh (the preservation of life) takes precedence. If you own health is at risk, then you would not be obligated to travel to Argentina. In fact you would be prohibted from travelling.Your own health takes precedence over your obligation to honor your mother's desire to see you. Perhaps because of the advances in technology you could arrange to visit your mother by Skype or Facetime. While this is not a totally adequate substitute for your being there in person, it is one way to care for your own health and at the same time perform the mitzvah of kibbud av ve eim (honoring one's parents). In this case you would be able to perform both mitzvot.
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Question: My mother was Jewish (I didn't know her) my father gentile. Does that make me Jewish? Also what does that make my son and daughters?
If you mother is Jewish then you are Jewish and it makes you children Jewish according to the Halacha (Jewish law). However, being Jewish is more than biological. It is also being knowledgible and observant. Therefore I strongly recommend that you contact a rabbi about how best for you and children to claim your Jewish identity and to strengthen your relationship to Judaism and the Jewish people.
For example in 1983 the Central Conference of American Rabbis passed a resolution on the status of chilren of mixed marriages
Its conclusion is as follows:
The Central Conference of American Rabbis declares that the child of one Jewish parent is under the presumption of Jewish descent. This presumption of the Jewish status of the offspring of any mixed marriage is to be established through appropriate and timely public and formal acts of identification with the Jewish faith and people. The performance of these mitzvot serves to commit those who participate in them, both parent and child, to Jewish life.
Depending on circumstances,1mitzvot leading toward a positive and exclusive Jewish identity will include entry into the covenant, acquisition of a Hebrew name, Torah study, Bar/Bat Mitzvah, and Kabbalat Torah (Confirmation).2 For those beyond childhood claiming Jewish identity, other public acts or declarations may be added or substituted after consultation with their rabbi
This implies that it is important to become knowledgible and observance are key elements is being Jewish and that biology is only one factor in an open society
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Question: I would like to name my daughter Ava. My grandfather's (living) name is Avraham but his nickname is Ava. Would it be okay to name my daughter Ava if it's a variation of grandpa's name? (Ashkenazi tradition).
[See also the following questions already on Jewish Values Online: http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=59, http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=184, http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=840.
Administrator]
Mazal tov on the birth of your daughter. I think the only question here is how your grandfather will feel. If as I suspect he will be honored, I would go ahead. If on the other hand he is concerned that somehow it is like wishing him dead I would avoid it.
In this case, it is not a question of Jewish law but of psychology.
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Question: Ethically, should an observant (traditional or trthodox) Jewish man attend a shiva minyan when it is not known if there will be a mechitzah (divider separating the genders during prayers)? If there isn't one, can he still attend & be counted, even if he doesn't daven (pray)?
For an Orthodox Jew participating in a Shiva minyan without a mechitzah constitutes a violation of halacha to which he is committed and therefore he cannot attend the Shiva minyan. This does not relieve him of the obligation to comfort the mourner and he should make a visit during Shiva. If his merely being present allows him to be counted in the minyan and does not constitute a violation of the halacha it would be the ethical thing to do. It is important to understand that those who are committed to an halachic way of life have no choice but to follow the halacha. Those who are not committed to the halacha should try to understand that this may mean that sometimes a person cannot do something that would seem appropriate to those who are not halachically observant.
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Question: I recently lost my 23 year old son to an unintended drug overdose. My family is all beyond consolation. He did not "appear" to have a drug problem. He was living with his family post-college, in which he did well. He never pushed himself or really had goals, but he was so bright he always excelled. He held down a full time job after graduation, but he was caught 6 months ago stealing medication and other things in the home. He constantly lied to everyone. He started taking substances in his room and appearing "totally wasted". I started to get into conflicts with him over this not being acceptable. I consulted experts about what I should do. For his stealing I wanted him to show remorse and take responsibility for his actions by helping people less fortunate than himself - I wanted him to do do volunteer work at a hospice for people dying of AIDS, to maybe lessen his selfish self-destructive behavior, and because I thought he might learn what the fruits of drug abuse are. My wife said I was too severe on her baby,and a hospice was depressing.
I wanted him to get in touch with Jewish culture and values. My wife laughed at me.
I arranged for him to see a psychiatrist, but she did not learn enough about him in 6 months to help him.
I am furious at my wife for undermining my efforts to help him. No one will know if my efforts would have have helped. But maybe they would.
My wife refuses to say she might bear any responsibility for what happened because she sabotaged my efforts to help him.We have been married 35 years and have one living child, a 21 year girl who is much that our son was not. More pious than me. A scholar who hopes to go soon to medical school. She studied Hebrew and Yiddish and speaks to family in Yiddish. I know that I am just so angry, etc.
Am I being unfair to my wife? Does it make any difference if she takes responsibility for prior actions? Unfortunately, it was never her nature to own up to the things she did.
What should I do now?
I cannot imagine your pain and your anger at the loss of your son. I appreciate how this creates a rift between you and your wife. While I also understand your desire for a Judaic response to what happened, but since this forum does allow for me to hear both from you and your wife, it is not possible to give a proper response.The loss of a child places a great strain on any marriage. My experience as a rabbi suggests that what might be helpful is for you and your wife to seek counselling by a therapist who is skilled in working with people who have lost children. I also recommend that you seek a support group for parents who have lost children. Please accept my condolences on your unimaginable loss.
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Question: Why is sefirat haomer (the time of counting the omer - the period from the second night of Pesach/Passover to Shavuot/Feast of Weeks) considered a period of mourning?
The usual reason given that the period of the counting of the omer is a time of semi mourning is in memory of the 24000 students of Rabbi Akiba who were killed by plague during that time.
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Question: How do you fulfill a sense of obligation and emotional ties when a person is narcissistic and self-serving?
The questioner has asked an important, difficult and complex question which deserves a serious reply. However, because the questioner has provided very little information about the person and the situation, it is very difficult to provide an adequate response. I do not know if the person about whom we are speaking is a child, parent, sibling, spouse, friend, or business associate. Our obligations are different depending upon the relationship and the circumstances. In general,we have an obligation to treat all people with respect and dignity and we do not have an obligation to comply with unreasonable requests. We do not have an obligation to be in arelationship which is harmful to us. The best way for the questioner to get an appropriate answer is to seek out a local rabbi who can provide pastoral counseling based on knowledge of the facts. I am sure this answer will disappoint the questioner but it is the best I can do based on the information at hand.
Peter S. Knobel
Rabbi Emeritus
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Question: Recently, certain whiskey distillers in Scotland made a decision to boycott Israeli products. Is a boycott the best/most effective response to a boycott? Is there a better way for Jewish leadership to guide their constituents to express their unhappiness or displeasure with a decision?
The decision of the distillers to boycott Israel requires a two fold response. One is to give the boycott publicity so that those who are concerned about the delegitimation of Israel have an opportunity to respond. Second is to contact the distilleries and tell them that you will not purchase their products as long as the boycott Israeli products and to inform the retailer where you purchase whiskey why you are changing brands. The more people are aware and let the distillers know of their displeasure more likely the boycott will end. A boycott must be actively opposed by giving it publicity and by boycotting the products of the boycotting company. I know of no better response. Economic pressure is a significant weapon in an economic war.
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Question: I am uncomfortable to the degree to which the Holocaust is used to justify [the existence of the modern state of] Israel. I feel the linkage between the two is often overplayed. Is there a way to remember the Holocaust and also fully justify the Jewish homeland without necessarily always linking the two?
The Shoah (Holocaust) and Israel are inexorably linked. The Holocaust was the ultimate culmination of anti-Semitism and powerlessness. Israel is the counter testimony to powerlessness. Having said this, it is important to note that the Holocaust can be misused to demonize all Israeli's opponents as Nazi's. Opposition to Israeli policy and genocidal intent are not synonomous. However, with Holocaust deniers such Iran's President and certain extremist Islamist group who desire the destruction of Israel, the dangers of ignoring real threats which evoke the Shoah as their model are a grave error. The Holocaust must be studied and commemorated so that we may be faithful to the memory of those who were murdered and to understand the human potential for genocide against which we must work assiduously. Although at least in most of the Western world we are no longer the subject to blatant anti-Semitism, anti-Semitism remains a potential threat. Today when Jews are threatened in any place in the world. We know that there is a politcal entity committed and able to defend us.
Israel's existence is the fulfillment of a two millenia dream. We are people and our return to the land is a sacred opportunity to build a naiton and a society based on Judaic principles in a land and culture all our own. It is a grand experiment in statecraft which we hope will be a "light to the nations." Our emphasis should be on Israel's vibrant democracy and its technological and cultural achievements. Its existence is a given which needs no justification. The Shoah helps to explain why it emerges fully when it does and reminds us of its role as refuge in a world which refused to save six million of our people but the Zionist Movement and a religious hope had already paved the way for Israel's emergence as a state. The Shoah is important but we are a people of Torah and Mitzvot who have a vision of a better world. Our future depends on our ability to work toward that future.
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Question: I'm very torn about recent events in Tunisia, Egypt, and Jordan. On one hand, I'm thrilled that the Arab world is finally insisting on democracy. On the other hand, I am disheartened by the anti-Israel and anti-Jewish sentiment I see reported from these democracy seekers. Who are we, as Jews, supposed to "root" for? Seekers of fairness, or what is best "for the Jews"? (I feel awful even asking the question - there should be no difference in the two ideas.).
Yours is a very good and fair question. Certainly, as Jews, we are in favor of democracy and freedom. It is exciting to see countries like Tunisia and Egypt embrace these concepts. It is disheartening to see what is happening in Libya. One consequence of democracy is our inability to control the results. The United States and Israel have relied on dictators to enforce the peace agreements. While no one can predict the future, it seems unlikely to me that the new government in Egypt will reject the peace treaty. The rise of democracy in the Middle East makes a peace agreement between Israel and Palestinians even more urgent. Sadly domestic issues in the United States and the tragedy in Japan are distracting the U.S. government from trying to move the peace process forward. Israel's own domestic politics are also complicating the prospects for peace. Terrorist incidents like the one this weak add even more complications. When I speak to people in Israel they are largely on the side of the Arab street yet worry about some of anti-Israel voices that have emerged. As Jews we want what is best for all people democracy and freedom and as Jews we are deeply concerned about Israel's welfare. I am personally cheering for the Arab street and hoping that the revolutions will be good for peace and therefore, good fore Israel. If Israel and the Arab states share the concepts democracy and freedom perhaps is it will bring them together. Let's hope and pray for a good outcome.
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Question: How can Jewish values help us repent for our sins?
Judaism is optimistic about human nature. Judaism believes that human beings have the capacity to change. When Adam and Eve eat the fruit of the Tree of Good and Evil they acquire the ability to discern right from wrong and to make appropriate choices. Free will makes our choices consequential. Judaism is a system of mitzvot (commandments) which govern our relationship to God and to other human beings. We are what we do and we are what we choose, and we are responsible for our choices. Our nature is not predetermined. Therefore a process of assessment and correction is important. This process is known as teshuvah (repentance). Ideally, repentance is not limited to any season or some holy day like Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement). In a very interesting and telling Mishnah Rabbi Eliezer taught, “Repent one day before your death.” (The Ethics of the Fathers 2:10) In the Talmud we find that “his disciples asked him, ‘Does then one know on what day he will die?’ and he replied, ‘Then all the more reason to repent today,’” (B.Shabbat 153a) Judaism teaches us that we should be constantly examining our behavior with the goal of improving ourselves. Obviously this is difficult, and therefore, while it is the ideal, Judaism sets aside a specific period for individuals and the community to engage in an elaborate process of self reflection and teshuvah.
During Elul, the month that precedes Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement), we are supposed to engage in a process of cheshbon hanefesh (an accounting of one’s life) This process is part of the preparation for the formal teshuvah (repentance) which is central to Yom Kippur. And from Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur (The Ten Days of Repentance) we should be actively engaged in teshuvah.
Judaism recognizes two categories of mitzvot (commandments), those that regulate our relationship to God (bein adam laMakom), and those that regulate our relationship to other human beings (bein adam lechaveiro), and therefore it recognizes two categories of sin—those committed against God and those committed against other human beings. We are taught that Yom Kippur atones for our sins against God but it does not atone for sins against another human being until the two persons have been reconciled. "The Day of Atonement atones for sins against God, not for sins against man, unless the injured party has been appeased" (Mishna Yoma 8:9). Teshuvah (repentance) is a process which begins with the acknowledgement that a person has sinned, followed by confession, resolve not to repeat the sin, and finally, resisting the temptation to repeat the sin because one has changed through the process of repentance. "What constitutes complete repentance? He who is confronted by the identical situation wherein he previously sinned and it lies within his power to commit the sin again, but he nevertheless does not succumb because he wishes to repent, and not because he is too fearful or weak [to repeat the sin]. How so? If he had relations with a woman forbidden to him and he is subsequently alone with her, still in the throes of his passion for her, and his virility is unabated, and [they are] in the same place where they previously sinned; if he abstains and does not sin, this is a true penitent" (Mishneh Torah, "Laws of Teshuva," 2:1).
Repentance for our sins against other human beings requires an additional step: reconciliation, and sometimes compensation for the wrong we have done. This can be very difficult but is essential to true repentance. In addition, as the person sinned against we are taught to be open to the truly repentant person who comes to us for forgiveness. Leviticus 19:18 teaches us neither to seek vengeance nor to bear a grudge. The willingness to forgive is essential. “It is forbidden for one to be harsh and non-appeasing. One should rather be forgiving and slow to anger, and whenever a sinner asks one for forgiveness one should grant it wholeheartedly." (Mishneh Torah, "Laws of Teshuva," 2:10)
Teshuvah (repentance) is an opportunity to reinvent ourselves. This is a remarkably optimistic and hopeful perspective. The way we live our lives matters. Life is filled with opportunities to change for the better. Our nature is not a given, but created by each of us every moment.
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Question: What does Judaism say about intermarriage? What if the couple intends to raise their child to be Jewish?
Intermarriage has long been an issue for the Jewish community. In order to preserve the Jewish people and its covenantal relationship with God endogamous marriage has offered the best hope for Jewish continuity.
In 1973 The Central conference of American Rabbis passed the following resolution.
The Central Conference of American Rabbis, recalling its stand adopted in 1909 that mixed marriage is contrary to the Jewish tradition and should be discouraged, now declared its opposition to participation by its members in any ceremony which solemnizes a mixed marriage. The Central Conference of American Rabbis recognizes that historically its members have held and continue to hold divergent interpretations of Jewish tradition. In order to keep open every channel to Judaism and K'lal Yisrael for those who have already entered into mixed marriage, the CCAR calls upon its members:
1. to assist fully in educating children of such mixed marriage as Jews;
2. to provide the opportunity for conversion of the non-Jewish spouse, and
3. to encourage a creative and consistent cultivation of involvement in the Jewish
community and the synagogue.
While this resolution continues to represent the official stance of the Central Conference of American Rabbis much has changed since 1973. In the late 1970’s Rabbi Alexander Schindler called on the Reform movement to welcome interfaith families and reach out to them and to the “unchurched”. He established within the Union for Reform Judaism (then the Union of American Hebrew Congregations) an Outreach Department. The URJ and Reform Rabbinate have taken the lead in welcoming the intermarried families in their congregations and helping them establish Jewish homes and raise Jewish children and welcoming those who wish to convert.
While in the past it was assumed that Jews who married non Jews were leaving the community, today that assumption is false. The rate of interfaith marriage has continued to climb as Jews have found greater acceptance in society and people marry later than they did in 1960’s and before. It is also clear that many Jews who marry someone who is not Jewish want to remain within the Jewish community and raise Jewish children. In a large number of cases the non-Jewish spouse is willing to help establish a Jewish home and support the raising of his/her children as Jews.
In March 2010 the CCAR Taskforce on Intermarriage after more than two years of study offered a comprehensive report to help rabbis whether they officiated or not to better serve the intermarried Rabbi Ellen Weinberg Dreyfus, President of the CCAR, said “When a Jew marries a Jew, there is a greater likelihood of Jewish continuity. But in the case of intermarriage, the opportunity for Jewish continuity is significant, especially if there is effective rabbinic leadership. Today we focus on the very positive fact that rabbinic outreach to intermarried families makes a difference in bringing intermarried families into our synagogues and Jewish life.”
It seems clear that intermarriage will continue. Therefore, it is important to arrive at strategies of welcoming which strengthen the Jewish community. Jewish identity is in a process of transformation and how we handle intermarried families is crucial. One of the most controversial aspects of welcoming has to do with the question of whether a rabbi will officiate and under what circumstances. Rabbis have developed different approaches to the questions of officiation. While many continue to feel unable to officiate if either the bride or the groom is not Jewish, others are willing to officiate under a variety of conditions. Many rabbis who officiate require the couple to join the synagogue, study Judaism and commit to having a Jewish home and raising Jewish children. Some rabbis who cannot officiate will offer a blessing either before or after the wedding in the synagogue on Shabbat or under the chupa when a judge or justice of the peace officiates or at the reception.
To reiterate which endogamous marriage is most likely to produce a Jewish family, there is a large potential to invited the intermarried to participate in the Jewish community have Jewish households and raise Jewish children.
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