Both Purim and Chanukah are examples of the Rabbis declaring a celebration for the positive things that we accomplished, and that happened to us.   However, it is true that even in those celebrations we majorly attribute our good fortunes to G-d.   I believe that our Rabbis were very well aware of “attribution theory” and wanted to guard against it.   Let me explain.   Attribution theory posits that an individual when judging his accomplishments will assume that they are due to his unique capabilities, efforts and personal resources.   However, when judging his failures, he will attribute them to outside factors.  During my many years of teaching high school children I have often seen this theory in action.   If a student does well on a test, he will assume more often than not that his grade is due to his brilliance. .  If he does poorly, he will pout about how unfair the test or the teacher was.

 Adoption is a complicated issue in Jewish law.     Ethically we consider raising someone else’s child as a great Mitzvah of Tzedakah (righteous charity) and hold by the rabbinic dictum that the teacher of a child is also viewed as the child’s parent with all the respect that implies.   The problem arises as to whom one should adopt.     If one adopts a child not born from a Jewish mother, one converts the child as early as possible with Mikveh (ritual immersion) and, if a male, circumcision.    In orthodox tradition one sends the child to a Jewish school, and at the age of bar or bat mitzvah one asks the child if he/she wishes to remain Jewish.    With the child saying “Yes”, the conversion process is complete (ie. the child has accepted the commandment obligations which he could not fully legally do before hand) and nothing else is necessary.     Needless to say, such a process of questioning can be traumatic for the young teen, and so I recommend that the family rabbi confer with a mental health specialist and with the guidance of the specialist (and perhaps his/her presence) present the “Jewish question” to the child.

 The purpose of burial is to allow the body of the deceased to be disposed of in a way that in no way demeans what was the container of the Neshama (soul).  Mausoleum “burial” does prevent the body from naturally decomposing and returning to the earth.  Therefore one must first decide if internment in a mausoleum is for the benefit and honor of the dead, or a way for the living to hold on physically to the deceased.   Where burial in a mausoleum is necessary for environmental conditions such as high water tables, it is permitted with the following proviso.  According to Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik only material whose essential ingredient is earth, such as concrete, may be used to bulid the mausoleum.   Metal or plastics may not be used in the building of the mausoleum, since internment in any non-earth based structure would not be viewed as returning the body to the earth which defines Halachik (Jewish legal) burial.  

I would like to add, however, that your child is going to meet many teachers, employers and authority figures with whom he or she may have difficulty. In my opinion school is a life learning laboratory where a child prepares for the “real world”. If the child learns that it is his responsibility to win over the teacher (where that is possible) and attempts to do so, the child has gained a great lesson that will truly prepare him or her for life as an adult. How to win over a teacher is fuel for another discussion.

 

There are a number of levels to your question.   If someone is a danger to himself or others, I believe we have an obligation to report the individual to whatever body would be of help.   First, the Halachah of Pikuach Nefesh, saving a life, overrides all other commandments except idolatry, sexual immorality and murder.    This means that any prohibition such as Lashon Harah (gossip and slander) or Mesirah (handing a Jew over to gentiles such as the police) may certainly be violated in the case where a mentally unstable person is a danger to himself or others.   The question, however, is to whom do we make the report?   If one is a teacher, clergyman, mental health professional or medical professional, one is mandated by law to report suspicions of abuse to social services.  The law of Dina D’malchuta Dina, the law of the land must be followed as the overriding law, comes into play, in my opinion, even though some authorities believe that that maxim only applies to monetary laws such as fines and taxation.

What about cases where mental instability does not appear to create an imminent danger to the individual or through him to others?   In that case I do believe we should at least offer our concerns to the person’s immediate relatives.   We must remember, however, that what looks abnormal to one person may actually be totally normal for another.   Nevertheless, I would suggest that one broaches the subject with the apparently impaired individual’s loved ones by asking them if their relative is perhaps not feeling well because you’ve noticed that he/she is slurring his words, or seems confused and disoriented or is displaying whatever other seemingly abnormal behaviors you have observed.   I don’t suggest one should “diagnose” the person, but out of the ethic of Kol Yisroel Areivim Zeh L’Zeh, that every Jew is responsible for every other Jew (and I believe this maxim extends to all peoples’ interrelatedness), one should inform the persons loved ones about what one has observed.   Where there are no loved ones, I do think the observer can call Jewish Family Services to provide help for the person.


Rabbi Stuart Grant.
 

As a matter of fact, as a future sign that world redemption is near our prophets tell us that “the hearts of the parents will turn to their children” and only then “will the hearts of the children turn to their parents.”

 

Finally, according to Kabbalah (Jewish mysticism) when G-d was about to create the world, since he filled all existence and there was no room for anything else, He was Metzamtzem (contracted) into Himself to leave a tiny little hole for what we call the universe. This description of creation is of course a metaphor, not be taken literally, but it does teach us a lesson. I f we love something and want it to grow we need to hold back and give it room. This goes particularly for children and spouses.

 

Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are; and you feel hurt by your daughter. However, Jewish tradition would seem to say that as the parent you should copy our ultimate Parent, Hashem, be forgiving by apologizing (though you feel you were simply acting motherly) and reestablish the connection with your daughter. There will come a time when she will seek your advice, and it would be most beneficial to her and you, if she could feel the door is wide open, unblocked by criticism or judgement (however correct they may be).

 

 Though it has rarely been used, there is a concept of “kidushei taut”, invalid creation of a marriage because of mistaken information, in which a marriage can be annulled.   Rabbi Michael Broyde explains that according to Rabbi Moshe Feinstein if the following conditions are met, a marriage can be annulled without a Get, a divorce decree.

 There is no grand description of the anointing of an Israeli King in the Bible.   At the most there is a description of a simple oil anointing ceremony of Saul and David and nothing more.   It is the investiture of the High Priest and the dedication of the desert Tabernacle and the Jerusalem Temples where one finds much pomp and circumstance.

 Justin Bieber says Shema before each performance.   He is not Jewish but learned the Shema from watching his producer pray.   His producer inadvertently inspired Justin to recite the Shema as a way of gaining calm and courage and connection with G-d.   There isn’t a teenage girl in the U.S.A. who doesn’t know Bieber and his glamorous life.   However, I doubt this story will inspire teenagers to be more Jewish or more religious.   

The Torah teaches “M’dvar sheker tirchak”, “Distance yourself from a deceitful thing”.   Based on this ethic, I would be hard pressed not to require the highest forms of truth in advertising.   It would appear that if one knows one is lying about a product, or implying something that is not true, one would be violating this ethic.    I guess I’m saying that one must believe in the product one is selling as well as the facts about that product one is disseminating to be able to ethically push that product.    How this ethical view plays out in the real world must be approached on an issue by issue basis.    According to Nachmanidies (the Ramban) It is possible to act within Jewish Law and still be “Menuval Birshut Hatorah” “Detestible while remaining within the permissible boundaries of the Torah” ie. Halachically OK, but ethically corrupt.  

Let me add that most schools have websites where students can post requests or questions for their teacher and receive e-mail communications in return. I think these sights are a much more professional and effective way to “friend” students, without exposing them to all of one’s personal data, relationships, idiosyncrasies or preferences open to everyone one friends through Facebook. May I suggest you speak to the school principal about your concern and suggest that he encourage his teachers to connect with their students through the school’s website rather than Facebook.

 

This question is phrased rhetorically with the assumed answer being no.     Since I am answering as an orthodox rabbi, I guide myself by the Halachah and its philosophy as I understand it.

I firmly do not believe that Halachah wishes us to relate to gentiles in a racist or incendiary manner.    However, Halachah does place great emphasis on personal and national survival.    Out of concern for intermarriage there are numerous laws that limit partying (i.e. drinking gentile wine and even drinking kosher open wine handled by a non-Jew.) with non-Jews.   In the orthodox (and I include the modern orthodox) community, inter-dating is vehemently discouraged, with strong emphasis on social gatherings of teens and marriageable aged adults being exclusively Jewish.   Thus, it is not surprising to me that there is a call from all the orthodox groups warning Jewish women from socializing with non-Jewish men: Moslem, Hindu or Christian.

 

As an American I find the prohibition of selling or renting to Arabs as highly immoral and distasteful.   Both the Israeli government and the American Jewish community (including orthodox groups) have condemned the rabbinic decree.   There is however a “but”.   Once again Halachah would clearly prefer that Israeli land remain in Jewish hands.   There is even a Halachik question as to whether gentile ownership of land in Israel is legally binding.   Nevertheless, since none of us really own the land of Israel, for it actually belongs to G-d, we should demonstrate and model tolerance ( we are suppose to be “a light unto the nations”), and welcome as neighbors everyone who wishes to live side by side in  peace.  

Recently I learned that Justin Bieber recites the “Shemah” before each performance.   He is not Jewish, but still finds strength and comfort in this prayer.   Apparently he heard his Jewish manager, Scott Braun, recite it and asked him to teach it to him.   I have to say I kind of felt proud and couldn’t wait to share this information with the high school students I teach.

In my opinion, if we Jews are truly an “Ohr Lagoyim” it would seem to me that we should take pride in gentiles performing Mitzvot which we find meaningful.    In actuality the Rambam (Maimonidies) believed that a gentile, who performs a Mitzvah, though not receiving the same reward as a Jew, has still acts meritoriously and gains some reward.    Admittedly there are Talmudic sages who believe we should not teach Torah to a gentile.   However, the concern against teaching Torah was at the time when few gentiles could gain access to it and seemed to flow from the historical fear and reality that some gentiles used their Torah study to misinterpret the text in order to attack the Jewish community.    Since today Torah study is available to all, we probably should be teaching Torah, so that it is understood correctly and those who wish to harm us through misinterpretation will have a much more difficult job.

Feeling offended is neither right nor wrong as feelings should not be morally judged.    However, since our Rabbis proclaimed “Shelo Lishmah, ba Lishmah” (even if someone performs a Mitzvah for the wrong reasons, the very performance will bring him to perform it for the right reasons), they just might have looked favorably on an influential gentile teenager who gained courage in front of thousands of teens (many of whom were Jewish) by previously proclaiming the oneness of G-d in Hebrew.   

 

There is an interesting story about a Reb Susya who was a major scholar and very pious man.    At his death bed his students saw that he was crying and assumed it was out of fear.   They asked Reb Susyah what he had to fear from G-d since he had led such a pious and exemplary life.    He answered that if G-d asked him why he had not become another Moshe Rabeinu (Moses our teacher) he would answer that he wasn’t given the leadership qualities of a Moshe.   If G-d asked why he had not become another Dovid Hamelech (King David), he would answer that he had not been given the poetic gifts of Dovid.   If G-d asked him why he had not become another Rebbie Akiva, he would answer that he wasn’t given the intellect of Rebbie Akiva.   However, if G-d asked, “Reb Susya, why didn’t you become a Reb Susya”, he would have nothing to answer G-d, and it was that question which he feared.

From this story we can deduce that one should always try to fulfill one’s potential.   I, however, deduce something else.   If even a Reb Susya can question his accomplishments and in essence regret missed opportunities, then the rest of us are quite human to do the same.   I believe we all have regrets about missed opportunities, but Judaism does give us a direction as to how to deal with them.   Interestingly enough the direction is found in the contradiction between our belief in G-d’s omniscience and our free will.

Our Rabbis tell us, “Everything is in G-d’s hands except the fear of G-d”.   Even though G-d is the grand conductor of our lives, we still have free will to choose, or not to choose a life direction.   There is no satisfying answer to this contradiction, but the contradiction gives us a way to live.   Here is a suggestion.

Draw a circle around where you are sitting right now.   The religious perspective would say that you are exactly where you should be at this moment, dealing with exactly what you should be dealing with, and connecting with exactly those people with whom G-d wants you to connect.   Your whole life has been preparing you for this very moment (perhaps reading this comment).   Everything that you have gone through and have learned can now be put to use in the next few seconds.   All the regrets you may feel are part of what you were suppose to learn up until right now.   The exciting reality, however, is that at this very moment you have the opportunity to make a free will choice as to what you are going to do in the next few seconds and for the rest of your life.   Using the Torah as your moral guide and moving in the direction that you believe is toward your greatest growth (all the better if it is to eventually help other people) will direct you all the more toward your constantly emerging life purpose.   May you have a wonderful New Year filled with learning, growth and few regrets.

 

Before answering the question I need to say that I do not believe the purpose of Jewish values, ethics and Torah is the pursuit of happiness.     King David’s psalms tell us “Ivdu et Hashem B’simchah” (worship/ serve G-d in happiness) implying that happiness is a modality through which one can choose to serve G-d, rather than a result of service to G-d.    Observing G-d’s Torah, which includes ethics, values and Mitzvot is the way we serve G-d in modern times, and we are asked to perform that service in joy.    

That being said, I do believe that living a virtuous, value filled life gives meaning to our existence, and  thereby enhances our sense of happiness.      Attaching ourselves to the Eternal G-d connects us to eternity and helps us reconcile fear of death.   Add the beliefs  that these values are absolute truths, that there is an afterlife and that there is eternal reward for virtuous living (the mother of all 401k’s and a basic orthodox belief ), and one gains an even greater sense purpose and happiness.

 

Finally, since my understanding of orthodox Judaism places “Ohev et Habriot” (love and care for human beings) at least on the same level as Yirat Hashem (fear of G-d), I find great spiritual and physical happiness  in helping others deal with and reduce their suffering, while aiding them in finding joy in their own lives.

 

Kol Tuv,

Stu Grant

Because the sexual act can so easily become a purely physical interaction devoid of holiness and relationship, our rabbis were very sensitive and restrictive in the area of sexuality.     The product of an act is infused with the nature of the activity that created it.   Thus, if a baby is born by an act which is viewed purely physical and animalistic, the baby will be viewed as just another animal.    I f, however, the act which created the baby is viewed as something holy, then the product of that act, namely the baby, will also be viewed as something holy.

Our rabbis understood that we are all sexual beings, predating Freud’s theories by nearly two thousand years.   Being related does not mean that one loses one’s sexual nature and drives in the presence of a relative.    The laws pertaining to negiah require us to be aware of that nature, and maintain respect for our and another’s body.     That which is holy is not to be manhandled, but only touched within a consecrated environment, which in the case of sex is marriage.

Please note, however, that a more liberal view (as implied by the Ramban) is that the touching which is inappropriate is one which is derech chibah, which has been interpreted by many of us to mean erotic touching.   Thus one could permit handshaking and non-erotic touching between relatives according to this opinion.   One must note, however, that the rabbis were apparently well aware that sexual molestation is far from uncommon among relatives.   In my capacity as a mental health counselor as well as rabbi I have discovered that many a young person has been subjected to inappropriate sexual touch (molestation), by siblings, aunts and uncles and even parents.