Question: My father's last words were that he never wanted to see my sister again. I never told my sister about this, but my sister's last act was to have herself buried next to my father without consulting me.
I feel that I should commemorate my father by placing some barrier or inscription between his gave and hers. How would I do that?
The anger and pain that your father had for your sister was deep and broad. I can not imagine, nor do I wish to know why there is such - dare I say it - hatred. This last request of his reflects that. However, it is an unfair request and puts too much burden on a family.
Your sister, it seems, tried either to reconcile with him as a her final act by being buried beside him or, conversely, poked him in the eye as a final act of anger. We may never know.
What we do know is this: each grave is a separate holy area. There is not one grave 'holier' than another. The grave is for the dead, not the living.
But visiting the grave is for the living. It is too late to do anything about the two burials. The deed is, to use a rabbinic term very loosely, b'di'avad - it is already done. In other words, it is too late (although that is a very, very loose use of the word.) So what to do?
How about a hedge or a bush between each grave? That way it will look like an eruv - a kind of a boundry separating one from the other. They will spend eternity together. In another couple of generations, though, the grave may be forgotten, the hedge will disappear and they will still be side by side. Maybe in some other existence will they be able to reconcile. But in the meantime, it breaks my heart to know that death is the only thing that brought them to each other's side.
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Question: I have a question regarding a charitable endeavor my shul is involved in. For many years, we have hosted homeless guests (from a nearby shelter) for a week in our building. About three years ago, we started taking them in during the week of Christmas. Our homeless guests are non-Jews, and we have had a Christmas tree placed in our building for them. We have even brought in a "Santa Claus" to pay a visit to the children. As we are a Conservative congregation, there are, naturally, members who oppose the tree and other signs of Christmas in the shul building. I am one of those who also dislike the practice, however, I continue to volunteer to care for our guests. But I wonder, are we going too far, in terms of the Christmas celebrations? Our rabbi states that we shouldn't take offense because, after all, many of the symbols connected with this holiday are from pagan origins, rather than being specifically connected with Jesus. Personally, I view that (pagan symbols) as being just as bad, perhaps even worse!
It is my opinion that we should go back to hosting the homeless on a week other than that involving the Christmas holiday. This would solve the problem about causing offense to some of our more traditionally-minded congregants (regarding the tree and Santa). I was wondering what your take on this situation might be.
What a wonderful question. First, let me say that what your synagogue is doing is a wonderful mitzvah. You are involved in pikuach nefesh - saving a life, hachnasat orchim -welcoming the guests, as well as feeding the hungry, homing the homeless and being a living example of the Prophets.
The issue of the Christmas tree is irrelevant in this context. It matters not one whit if it is a pagan symbol or not. It is not idolatry, there is no violence involved and the very fact that you can embrace your non-Jewish neighbours and welcome them into your home - yes, even with the Christmas tree - can do nothing but harbor and engender good feelings toward the Jewish community. It is no different than welcoming the Church to pray at the synagogue when their chapel floods or when a tornado hits. You are doing for neighbors as they would do for us, God willing.
Don't make a big deal about the tree. Doing so could very well ruin all the goodwill you have created. That is much more important than a few off-put temple members who, one has to wonder why, are really making a big deal out of such a small thing.
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Question: Hello rabbi,
I will apologize ahead of time for the words I'm about to write.
I'm 14 years old, and from what I know masturbation is against Jewish law, but I find it really hard not to do so when my body really demands it.
Maybe I could do it one last time because I haven't done so in three months.
Please tell me what I can do that is acceptable within Jewish law and thought.
[Admin Note: A similar question was answered on Jewish Values Online previously; see - http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=153.]
The prohibition about masturbation derives from a biblical story of Onan. Here is the relevant part of the story:
Genesis 38:1 It happened at that time that Judah went down from his brothers and turned aside to a certain Adullamite, whose name was Hirah.
2 There Judah saw the daughter of a certain Canaanite whose name was Shua. He took her and went in to her,
3 and she conceived and bore a son, and he called his name Er.
4 She conceived again and bore a son, and she called his name Onan.
5 Yet again she bore a son, and she called his name Shelah. Judah was in Chezib when she bore him.
6 And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, and her name was Tamar.
7 But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD, and the LORD put him to death.
8 Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother's wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother."
9 But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother.
10 And what he did was wicked in the sight of the LORD, and he put him to death also.
(Gen 38:1-10 ESV)
The 'spilling of seed on the ground' seems to be what the sin was. He did not fulfill his Levirite duty by making sure his deceased brother's wife did not conceive.
Although it can be argued that the context of the story is one of Levirite marriage and not masturbation, it has been seized upon as maintaining that any waste of seed is somehow sinful. I personally find this absurd.
Natural sex drives are normal and expected especially as a young man or woman enters puberty. The sexual impulse is very strong and is nature's way of procreating the spieces which is why we have those impulses when we are young and healthy as opposed to old and sick. Of course, we can't satisfy those needs by having sex with anyone we wish merely to satisfy the procreation impulse. And so to fantasize is our best substitute.
Naturally, if masturbation is excessive and seems to be occupying you mind all the time, there may be other issues that will need to be dealt with. Constantly thinking of sex may indicate the beginnings of an addiction. But masturbation in a normal and healthy person is normal and healthy. It is no sin. The fantasy life is part of who we all and trying to repress that impulse is almost always futile, frustrating and impossible.
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Question: I'm a single male Jew, 35 years old, well established in my career. I am now at the point where I am considering dating for marriage. I know intermarrying is wrong. However, I am terrified of dating a Jewish girl for fear her family would inevitably discover my entire family is dead, and that I would be by definition be a poor choice for suitor into any good family. All grandparents are dead. My father died of old age, my mother and sister committed suicide (presumably due to abuse by father). I've had my share of abuse by father as well, which has affected me.
I've been nonobservant and have not gone to synagogue for the entire past decade just to avoid being reminded of the hurt.
I've engaged in a lot of therapy, which has helped me to hear, an that is why I am even considering dating at all.
Do I just throw up my hands, tell myself I am not fit to marry, and just live for work? Or would the other side be at all understanding of my background and situation?
What should I do and how can I balance the mitzvot to marry and have a family, against my situation which makes me question if I can be a decent spouse and parent and fulfill the obligations to a family?
I am happy to be responding to your note. It has so many layers in it that I will try to understand.
I sense your fear of dating a Jewish woman since it would reveal that your parents are gone and that your sister committed suicide. If I understand you, you feel that that would somehow make you unpalatable to a girl. In the old days, I suppose it would have. Matchmakers looked at the whole family, the family history, etc., and would match people up. Having no family may have been a detriment. But that was a long, long time ago and most Jewish communities have neither the authority nor the right to hire a matchmaker.
You carry pain with you, to be sure. But I also know that your pain can be soothed by the love of a woman and, having that faith, you are bound to meet someone. Of course there is a Jewish woman out there for you and one who will grow with you and you with her. She will not judge you by your life losses, but rather what she and you can build together in your own lives. Your ezer kenegdo – your other soul – is out there looking for you, too.
There is a lot of hurt in your life but that just makes you human, not unfit to marry. When you are ready, reenter a synagogue as a new man carrying your hurt but not being a slave to it. The Torah says “uvacharta l’chaiim’ – Choose life. I know that this can become your mantra as you have reached out and are ready to hear it. Indeed, choose life and, with blessing, you will find a wonderful Jewish woman who wants to share the journey with you.
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Question: Is watching pornography hypocritical? Most people watch porn, but when I imagine that my daughter would come to me one day with something like “Dad, I decided to play in porn“ (well, it would probably by a neighbor and not my daughter...), I don't think I could take that (I think that most people couldn't take that) and those “actresses“ are someones' daughters, too. Problem is that when I start to consider pornography to be hypocritical, I start to be judgmental, and since (I think) most people watch porn, it is quite a problem. (Moreover, I think that being judgmental is definitely worse than watching porn).
I should probably add that I am a secular Jew, but for most secular people pornography is not a problem, so I ask here.What do Jewish values tell us about this?
Thank you for any answers.
This is an important question for a variety of reasons. First, the hypocrisy of pornography. Second, the judgmentalism of those watching it. Third, you are right: that is someone's daughter.
Watching pornography has been around for a long, long time. It feeds into the sexual parts of our brains and is stimulating. But, like anything, it can become addictive and destructive.
Linda Lovelace - who was born Linda Boreman - was the main character of "Deep Throat." In some ways, she was a remarkable woman but in no way more so than when she spoke up about the abuse, rape, degradation of women, drugs, corruption and immorality of the pornography industry. In fact, according to 'Wikipedia', in 1986, Boreman published Out of Bondage, a memoir focusing on her life after 1974. She testified before the 1986 Attorney General's Commission on Pornography in New York City, stating, "When you see the movie Deep Throat, you are watching me being raped. It is a crime that movie is still showing; there was a gun to my head the entire time." Following Boreman's testimony for the Meese Commission, she gave lectures on college campuses, decrying what she described as callous and exploitative practices in the pornography industry." And she should know: she was at the top of it.
The truth of the matter is that these men and women are actors and they are someone's son and daughter. They are looking to get famous and pornography is a relatively easy way to do it. They are searching for a lifestyle usually reserved for the rich and famous and they prostitute themselves to do it. Few of them succeed. Many get used up and discarded like trash. And participating in the exercise even by watching is, yes, hypocritical if you feel that exploiting young women and men is a sin. We know it happens and even by not watching, it will still happen. But watching it puts the viewer on the same continuum as the exploiter. From a point of view of Jewish law, participating in a sin, even as a secondary participant, is still a sin (although this is an overly-general principle). [For instance, a person has a moral obligation to prevent someone from engaging in sakana - a dangerous activity and is considered to have sinned if they could have stopped it but did not.]
I don't understand why you are worried about being judgemental to those who watch pornography. Sometimes judging someone is necessary. Judaism is founded upon justice. Pornography is not just. It is immoral. We can judge that which is immoral. In fact, you might say we have an obligation to stand up to injustice and accuse the unjust. Sometimes judgement is needed. However, the judgement may come in a form of leaving the room when porn is shown or perhaps not going to the strip bar with the guys. Live morally by taking a stand. You may be judged but better to be judged by doing something right than by simply following the crowd.
Having said all that, please don't think that I am somehow advocating asexuality. I am hardly asexual. Judaism discusses sex and, though many of our Talmudic discussions may be dated and, frankly, sexist, they are remarkably progressive for their time. Our teachers and Sages knew the importance of sex, the enjoyment of sex and were not afraid to experience and talk about sex. A famous story is related in gemara Berachot 62a, in which Rav Kahana hides under his teacher’s bed and listens as Rav Shemaya, his teacher, talks to his wife and takes care of his needs (a phrase that Rashi interprets as having sex.) When the teacher discovers Rav Kahana’s presence he is understandably angry, and demands that Rav Kahana leave. Rav Kahana refuses and declares that “this too is Torah” that he is obligated to learn. (This passage is used both to teach the healthy attitude Jews have toward sex as well as a critique of Rabbi Shemaya who would not speak openly about sex which is why Kahana had to hide under his bed in the first place! Ignorance about sex is still quite prevalent in many Jewish communities, by the way.)
Of course, the Song of Songs is an erotic love song between a man and a woman. And there are dozens of other references and discussions about sex.
But I want to be clear: it is my opinion that pornography is not about kosher sex. It serves the need of the animal which we have turned into an 'art form' - the need to orgasm. It is fake. It is all acted. And it is dehumanizing both to the actors and to the viewers. Jewish values stress the importance of 'in a place where there are no people, strive to be a person.' Strive to be a person in what you do and say, in public and private. In my opinion, pornography has nothing to recommend it in any way which is morally justifiable.
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Question: My parents used to take me to visit my grandparents. It seems that today children want their parents to come to their home to see the grandkids .Must I visit my son's home to see his children? Should they not visit me with their kids? I was recently told "you know where we live," as if it is my obligation to go to them to see the grandkids. What does Judaism say about this?
I must say that I am not familiar with any Jewish tradition about where children ought to visit their parents and/or vice versa. Of course, one could argue that 'honoring father and mother' can be used to butress the argument either way. I tend to lean toward the children visiting the parents more than the other way around if I was forced to choose. However, there is an insightful midrash from Psalms Rabbah 92:13 (which is also found in Yalkut Psalms 846) that goes like this:
There is a story of a man who made out his will with the following provision: my son shall not inherit anything of mine until he acts the fool. R. Yose bar Judah and Rabbi went to R. Joshua ben Korcha to get an opinion about this strange provision. When they looked into his house from the outside, they saw him crawling on his hands and knees with a reed sticking out of his mouth and being pulled by a child. Seeing him thus, they withdrew but they came back later and asked him about the provision in the will. He began to laugh and said, "As you live, the business you ask about - acting the fool - happened to me a little while ago." Hence the expression, 'When a man looks on his children, his joy makes him act the fool.'
There is the literal meaning of this midrash but there is a deeper meaning, as well. You see, the will they inquired about stipulates that a man must 'act the fool' with his children. He must play with them and do things that, to outsiders, may seem foolish and silly. Good parents do this all the time. They hold their tongues. They play silly games. They find themselves in places that others would find frivolous. And the children remember the silliness of their parents, the joy they brought to their parents' faces and come to realize that the joy of children - and grandchildren - far outweighs the battle of wits about who should visit whom.
Take yourselves to your children. Let them see you. Have fun with them and their children. Give them a reason to visit you and to reach out to you. Better to be connected than not. Better to have a relationship with your children and grandchildren based on love and not a relationship based on pride. You need not be proud: Rabbi Joshua showed us that. Your own children may be selfish insisting that you visit them. That is their issue, not yours. Visit them as often as you can and live that love whenever possible. Getting there is only a car trip which is inconvenient. Losing your children and grandchildren is more than an inconvenience; it is a tragedy. Don't lose your family over silly pride.
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Question: Sometimes, when I sin, I know its because I have not fully explored the deepest meaning possible of what lies at the heart of the transgression, yet at the same time, it also draws me closer to HaShem, because I realise how weak I am before HaShem; my pride is taken from me in that lowly state. Rabbi Nachman said something about one having to begin again and again. I find that by having to return to the beginning, I gain a deeper insight into the nature of the matter yet feel this is paradoxical, for I also need to not return to that sin. Any advice please?
This is a most interesting question on a variety of levels.
As I understand you, you say that you don't want to sin but that, when you sin and then repent, you feel closer to God. So the question becomes, how is it that sinning has been the only way to connect to God? I don't think Rab Nachman had it in mind to sin and again and again so that we can experience God. This is a very unhealthy way to live as it is akin to diving into cold water again and again so that you can feel how good it is sit by the fireplace to get warm. Surely there are other ways to connect with God without having to go through the sinning first to get there.
I would suggest that repentance is a first step to becoming aware of our vulnerability and weakness before God. But it ought not to be the goal of who we are as Jews. Repentance turns us into the direction we ought to go. It is not the direction itself.
Once a commitment is made to God, that is repentance. The next question is, what now? Over the millenia, the answer has always been acts of gemilut hasidim and study. What was true those many years ago is equally as true now. Repentance focusses the mind and heart - study and tzedakah bridge the gap that we promised God we would bridge.
There are dozens and dozens of readable and understandable books on bridging these gaps. Birkat Avraham, Noam Elimelech, Likutei Moharan, etc. Aseh lecah rav - find yourself a teacher and explore the bridge between you and God. You can walk it and you don't have to revert to sinning again and again to feel God's presence.
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Question: What is the connection between the Land of Israel, the natural cycle, and Jewish practice? Especially for Jews living outside the land of Israel, is this still important?
The natural cycle of seasons and moons is closely related to the cycles of Jewish practice. Of that there is little doubt, if any. Passover is the Spring festival, one of the myriad celebrated by every culture. Shavuot is the Festival of First Fruits - a celebration of the beginning of a bountiful year. And, of course, Sukkot is the harvest festival. So what makes them so distinctly Jewish? They are Jewish because our teachers and our Sages and our Biblical forebears applied the central lesson and event of Jewish history - the Exodus and all its ramifications - into the holiday. By infusing the Festivals with meaning way above and beyond their simple agricultural significance, the Festivals become laden with layers of holiness and Jewish lessons that are lived (and eaten!).
There are Jewish cycles that have very limited relevancy today. Rosh Chodesh, the pronouncement of the appearance of the New Moon so that the dates of the Festivals could be determined and the special sacrifices at each New Moon could be offered is one such event. In former eras, the witnesses would testify that they saw the New Moon and runners would be sent out announcing the Rosh Chodesh. It was a fine system but, let's face it, with computers today, I could tell you not only when the Rosh Chodesh will be in 10,000 years, but I can also tell you the precise time it will happen at a specific latitude. In addition to this, the ancients did not understand the the moon, how it stayed up in space and their understanding of gravity and physics was severely limited. We have sent people to the moon; it holds scientific curiosity and is an amazing story of planetary development but it isn't the mysterious place our Sages thought it to be.
So why keep observing Rosh Chodesh? Many Jews have turned Rosh Chodesh into a celebration of the evolving nature of nature. Some have made it a metaphor for the potential of birth. Many women's groups have gravitated toward its symbolism of menstruation, etc. It has taken on new meaning since the appearance of the moon to announce the new month is unnecessary.
There are other cycles of nature that occur in the Land of Israel which are observed by one degree or another by many Israelis. There is age of fruit which falls from the tree which can not be used except after a set period of seasons. There are the water festivals which are celebrated largely in name only, and so forth.
Inside Israel there is a desire to live a Jewish life and so the festivals of the Jews are naturally celebrated there. But even in Israel, the agricultural aspects of these celebrations are overshadowed by the spiritual and religious aspects attached to them. The same process that attached the Exodus to the Springtime still happens.
Does that mean that they are meaningless rituals? The cynic would say that they are meaningless. But usually the cynic is cynical because something's meaning is not 'original' or 'pure.' It has been altered and bears little resemblance to the original celebration. My answer is that babies bear little resemblence to the adult version of themselves. Do we discard the adult once the baby grows out of its former self? Of course not. The reality is that by layering the natural cycles of life with religious meaning, Jews have created an rich and vibrant environment to add meaning to everyday events.
I am a science geek at heart. Physics is my passion. Astronomy is a calling. I know lots about the moon. Having said that, though, knowing that there is a spiritual side to Rosh Chodesh does not mean I am worshipping the moon nor am I ascribing to it any magical qualities. I can still utilize its symbolism to create meaning which adds to my life's spiritual richness. That can happen in the Land of Israel or outside of it. All it takes is an open mind willing to hear the poetry.
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Question: What is structured (fixed) prayer all about in Judaism? Can’t we just speak directly to Hashem (G-d) in our own words and language?
This is the ongoing debate in Jewish life and it is certainly not new.
There is no question that personal prayer is a wonderful and spiritual experience for so many. The Tanach is filled with examples. The Talmud, too, as well as the later literature are loaded with examples of personal prayer and how and when to pray, what direction, what to do in the case of an emergency, etc. There is and always will be a place for personal prayer.
As well, the rabbi's created the concept of keva - fixed prayer - and not just kavannah - the self-directed prayer. They did this because they understood that the siddur - possibly more than any other Jewish volume - is a textbook of Jewish values. Like all good textbooks, it was to be referred to again and again. And, so as to emphasise the importance and value of personal prayer, they left time for personal reflection and prayer.
But, like any textbook, soon it is memorized and reading it becomes less a learning experience and more a chore. Frankly, when people pray the service zipping along merely reading - not praying - and feeling as if they have fulfilled the mitzvah of prayer, they are looking at the act of reading the prayer as the mitzvah. Rather, the real mitzvah as I see it is praying the prayer. What value to the soul is there by being the first to remove the tallit and tefillin? To show others how fast you can read? To somehow think that the value of prayer is being able to finish the prayer before everyone else? I don't believe so. The real value of prayer is how a person is changed after praying the prayer. Sometimes that means dwelling on one word or concept in the fixed prayer and sometimes it means letting the hirhurei-halev - the ruminations of the heart take you to heights of spirituality with a personal prayer.
There is a time for personal prayer. There is a reason for fixed prayer. Neither is better than the other. They compliment each other when done right.
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Question: My father died suddenly 10 days ago. What are my obligations or what is custom for an adult daughter to be doing after sitting shiva? Thank you in advance for your help.
First, my condolences on losing your father. It is often extraordinarily difficult to lose a parent, no matter how prepared we think we are.
According to tradition, there are three stages of mourning (not counting the pre-shiva responsibilities which is not, technically, a stage of mourning.) The first is the difficult first 7 days - in Hebrew '7' is 'shiva' - hence the name for 'sitting shiva.' The guidelines are quite well-known but the sheloshim practices are often less well-known. Technically, an adult who lost a parent is still a mourner and there are some mourning practices, as well.
The mourners may resume normal social and professional duties but are still restricted in certain ways. According to tradition, one one is not supposed to cut hair but bathing is permitted. Probably the most well-known guideline is the prohibition against attending social events but Torah study is permitted after shiva. You can attend weddings and b'nai mitzvah, brit milah ceremonies, etc., are not permitted to join the celebrations afterwards. You are also not supposed to buy and wear new clothes or jewelry.
However, you are permitted and encouraged to go back to work, reintegrate with your community and attend services.
If you have questions, you can consult 'The Jewish Way of Death' by Maurice Lamm or, of course, a rabbi whom you trust.
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Question: Does penetration by any part of a male into any part of a female make the status of the girl change for her ketubah (marriage contract) in Jewish law or thought?
This is an interesting question because it delves with the issue of what many people would consider 'abnormal' sexuality. Specifically, penetration in this case is not just vaginal but also implies oral or anal sex. Would this invalidate a woman's status as a 'betulah' - a virgin - if she never had vaginal sex but only oral or anal sex. Without trying to sound flippant, Bill Clinton would say 'no' and he would technically be correct.
Our Sages seemt to define sex as vaginal intercourse. I know of no source that speaks of anal sex or oral sex (although there are modern commentators and poskim [Isserles] who teach that a man is permitted to kiss any part of his wife's body and vice versa. Surely that is an indication of oral sex. But that is not technically sex).The indicator that the Rabbis used to define a woman's status for marriage was someone whose hymen was intact. Indeed, someone was a virgin if they had a hymen and, if they didn't for whatever reason such as an accident or birth defect and wanted to marry as a virgin, she would have to go to the Beit Din with her father (usually) who would testify to her virginity in a variety of ways. There was no way to know if a woman had anal sex or oral sex in the past (provided it was not a frequent sexual practice). Sex seems to be defined as vaginal sex. Indeed, our Sages forbad unmarried men and women (but most women) to be alone together for fear that sexual intercourse would take place for such would constitute a marriage (see Mishnah Kiddushin 1:1).
So, technically, sex is vaginal when a man makes penetration. From a legal point of view, that should not change the status of the ketubah. From an intended point of view, though, it is a bit more problematic.
The Rabbis were, for lack of a better word, prudes. They liked women to be pure, angelic, untouched, flowered, etc. Anything that disturbed a woman's purity was, for the Rabbis, something that affected their 'worth' - literally and figuratively. So if they engaged in any kind of behaviour that sullied themselves, their bodies, or their reputations, that would make their worth diminish. It is possible that they would consider pre-marital oral or anal sex which involved penetration to be on the 'this is sex' list. I must admit that it is a remote possibility, though, since the definition of sex by our Sages is much simpler.
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Question: Do you think we have we lost sight of the “original” tragedy of Tisha B’Av – the destruction of the Temple – in all of the more “modern” tragedies? Or is it supposed to be this way, since 9 Av is our national day of mourning, perhaps it’s natural that the tragedies of long ago are mourned less and less as time goes on.
The original meaning of Tisha B'Av has, I believe, been diminished in a few short years after the destruction of the Temples the city of Jerusalem first by the Babylonians and then by the Romans. In fact, in some ways, it is not an understatement to say that tody holiday has become meaningless. To pray for the re-establishment of a Jewish state when there is a Jewish state is superflous. And, should one say that the holiday is a prayer for the re-establishment of the Temple, I would ask, "Are you really going to fly to Israel to sacrifice a goat?" The answer is almost always "No." So Tisha B'Av must come to mean something relevant. And it does.
The holiday has come to represent all the moments of national mourning, not just the ones it is originally designed for. It is a good way for us to step back and take a liturgical look around us and see how much tikkun olam still needs to happen, how much tikkun ha-lev - repairing the hearts of those who hate us, and how much tikkun etzmainu - repair of relationships between Jews - needs to happen. That is a fundamentally new interpretation of this holiday and it is one that I subscribe to.
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Question: I'm a Russian Jew. I see myself as Jewish, even though I don't live Jewishly. I practice Buddhism, have non-Jewish boyfriends, and think that believing in G-d the way prayers show me makes man into a weak and helpless being. And yet I feel united with all Jewish women through the centuries when I light Chanukah candles, get liberated from Egypt and certain personal slaveries each Pesach (even though I don't keep any Pesach mitzvoth), and etc. It hurts me to feel that I would not be accepted as I am by other Jews. I don't want to comply and be "a good Jewish girl" just for the sake of it - it's not the kind of life I see for myself. Yet I want to find my place among my people and I don't know where it is... What can you tell me to help me? How can I find a way to fit into Judaism?
Your question is a common one in many regards but especially in the Russian Jewish community. That does not mean you can not find your place among your people.
I would suggest the following: try to find a local rabbi in whom you can confide. Tell him/her your issues and they may be able to guide you. If you wish, you can also seek out a Reconstructionist or Humanist synagogue where some of your issues can be addressed. You may also find that, liturgically speaking, a Reform congregation best fits your needs. The truth is that you can find a place for yourself among your people if you are willing to look. There are lots of people who feel the same way and you can integrate into such a community.
Being accepted is something that other people have to struggle with. If you do things to be accepted by other Jews and embrace what they think is right, then you have not become Yisrael - one who struggles with God and wins. Struggle and you will find your place. Worry about being accepted and you will lose your soul.
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Question: What does the Jewish quote from Abraham Joshua Heschel "wonder rather than doubt is the root of all knowledge" mean?
AJ Heschel was, without doubt, one of the greatest Jewish theological poets. He took theology and made it beautiful. He decorated the home of halacha and ritual and tradition and gave it dimensions that only a poet could. That is why he has such enduring power and why his ideas are always fresh, radiant, and meaningful. It is also why much of his thought transcends religious ideology as well as Jewish demoninationalism.
When he says that 'wonder, rather than doubt, is the root of all knowledge' he is paraphrasing the Biblical phrase, "Fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.' But he is not talking about fear as in fear and trembling. I believe he is speaking about the 'awe' of God, of the universe, of the utter miracles that pervade the world and life itself. To doubt is to often fall into cynicism since doubt engenders doubt. Wonder engenders wonder and when one wonders and marvels, one is bound to search and keep looking for the sense of wonder and amazment that is both glorious and fulfilling. And, when we search, we learn, and when we learn, we search even more.
This, I believe, is what he meant. May your search foster wonder and may your wonder lead you to knowledge.
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Question: I will start sitting shiva at my brother's house and conclude it in my own. Is it permissible to bring some of the food to my house?
First, condolences on the loss of your brother. May his memory be for a blessing.
Your question is clearly time-bound so I will answer it as quickly as possible. In a short answer, yes, you may bring the food to your own home.
The tradition of bringing food to shiva is rabbinic. It is the 'Meal of Consolation' or the 'Meal of Condolence' and is practiced by every Jewish community (and, I suspect, every non-Jewish community, as well). Bringing food is a natural (and, I believe, instinctive) reaction to show sympathy. It is not surprising, then, that such a tradition became de rigueur in Jewish life.
The tradition of bringing food is that the food is brought to the mourner, not to the mourner's house. And, since the food was brought to you and your family at a shiva house, then it is logical that, should you move to another place to sit shiva, you certainly may take the food. Of couse, if anyone else is sitting shiva in that house, the food must also be available for them, as well.
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In addition, I would like to add the following thought. I attend many shiva homes, family celebrations, etc., and I am constantly amazed at the waste of food. Should there be food left over from the function, I believe the concept of 'al tashchit' - do not destroy - can apply. In other words, don't destroy something valuable when it can still be used. Although it is customarily applied to things like flora and fauna, we can also apply it to food. If there is food from shiva left over, is there any place you can donate it to? Are there any needy people in your world that could use the food? Though giving what's left of the shiva food to the needful has no textual basis (as far as I have come across), it may be a beautiful way to honor your brother's memory.
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May his soul be bound up in the bonds of eternal life and may his memory be for a blessing.
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Question: What is the Jewish perspective on the illegal immigration crisis in Israel? The Torah commands us to care for the foreigners and immigrants among us. Does that extend to illegal immigrants? Is it right to send them back, as is happening now, or are we obligated to take them in and help them?
As a Jew, I am ashamed at the heavy-handed way Israel is treating these people.
We are a people of compassion and Israel is about compassion, refuge and taking care of the 'ger toshav' - the resident alien among us. These people entered illegally, to be sure. But how, exactly, does someone enter legally when they can't fill out paperwork in Southern Sudan?
The argument that the refugees use is that they are economic refugees and not political refugees. That is probably more true than not. But if people from outside the Land want to help build inside the Land, surely there are other paths for a modern state to take than deportation.
I understand the argument that if Israel takes them in, it will dilute the Jewish demographic of Israel. That is true. But surely Israel can offer temporary visas. How can we, of all people, send people back to a place of hopelessness? If there is a halachic justification for sending people back to despair and desperation, I have yet to find it in any Jewish literature.
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Question: Is it okay for a Jewish woman to wear short shorts, spaghetti straps, or bikinis? What concerns might there be as far as Jewish values? Is the answer different in the various denominations or movements of Judaism?
This is a terrific question because it has a wide variety of answers.
The underlying issue is tzniute - modesty. Our tradition certainly teaches that women, especially, ought to be modest. That accounts for the long dresses, wigs, long sleeves, etc. If a woman wants to wear such things, she should be encouraged to do so. I find no problem with that. I do have a problem if her boyfriend/husband insists on it since it reflects a much deeper issue in the family. However, men ought to be modest, too but our tradition does not expound on it as much as it does a woman's appearance.
Having said that, what is the purpose of modesty? The answer is sex.
Now, before I continue, though, let me state that my answer will be general, heterosexual, and fall under the normal definition of sex. That is the only way I can contain the answer. I believe, though, that the same issues exist regardless of it is a definition of modesty for a man or a woman.
The belief is that, the more a man sees, the more he fantasizes. This is a biological fact. Many people - men and women - are hard-wired that way. It is evolution's way to perpetuate the species. The more the clothes reveal, the more a person fantasizes about sex since the curves on a woman instinctivly tell a man that she will make good babies. So, the more a woman reveals, the more she seems to be 'advertising.' That is why, by the way, when the bikini made its debut, it was scandalous in a great many communities. It was a way of flaunting a woman's sexuality and this is very threatening to men. Since Judaism treats sex as something sacred and wonderful between a husband and a wife, there is value is diminishing the temptation for others. That's the theory, in any event.
The truth is that one person's modesty is another person's immodesty. An evening gown may be beautiful and possibly revealing. But is it immodest? The best designers tell us that the more left up to the imagination, the more beautiful the dress. But all that does is underscore the issue of modesty: after all, the 'imagination' is the fantasization of sex.
So we are left in a dilemma, of sorts. Many women do not want to bring unwanted attention to themselves and yet want to be fashionable. I am told that this is not hard to do - you just need to find a guru. Judaism teaches modesty but it is up to the individual to figure out what that means. It will remain contentious since your definition may not be someone else's.
So some practical responses from me, a father of two young women and a rabbi. First we don't allow strapless dresses on the bima under any circumstances. We do not permit thongs to show from under shorts. Shorts worn in the temple or at a temple function cannot be so short that....well, you get it. Skirts must not be be so tight or short that it appears that a young woman or grown lady appears to be selling something. In other words, common sense. We follow the common sense rule at home, as well. I am no prude by any means, but I have taught my daughters the importance of dressing modestly. My wife supports this and is an excellent role model for modesty and beauty.
Your clothes are a message whether you want them to be or not. People are looking and fantasizing quite often, if not all the time. This is true for both men and women. They are making assumptions about you and coming to conclusions. That is a human response. You can't fight it. What you can do - and the only thing you can do - is be aware of the messages you are sending out. This is how you may choose to dress.
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Question: I would like to convert to Judaism. My fiance is Muslim. He fully supports my decision to convert and has agreed to raise any children we may have Jewish, although he does not want to abandon his own religion. Is this a problem? May I convert in this situation?
I am delighted that you are seeking to convert to Judaism and raise children Jewish. Mazal tov on this decision.
I am very wary of creating a situation in the family that exacerbates an already difficult situation. Being in an interfaith marriage presents many challenges when a couple is raised in a particular religion. Converting INTO Judaism and thereby creating an interfaith marriage adds a new dimension that makes the marriage even more problematic. Having the support of your husband is important but support also means that he is interested in helping you practice. How can that happen?
In addition, the reality is that, whether Muslim or Christian, the other spouse is from a different religious background that on some very fundamental levels is very different than Judaism. The Muslim element exacerbates this many times over. For instance, how is your child going to learn about love of Israel when it is probable that your fiancee's family and/or friends probably think Jews are imposters in the Holy Land? How are you going to feel giving funds to a Muslim charity that quite possibly supports anti-Semitism - which is par for the course for far too many charities? The challenges are endless and the solutions, as I see them, disastrous.
My advice is to seriously reconsider the marriage. The waters are too dangerous and, as a young Jew, you may not be ready for the tumult that will ensue.
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Question: I'm a bit overwhelmed in trying to sort out the various Jewish beliefs about the afterlife (I'm 61 and terrified). The overarching idea seems to be: Don't worry about it so much; Judaism emphasizes doing good works on Earth and that should be our focus. Well, maybe so. But having studied it all, I trust, have you reached any firm conclusions? I cannot bear the thought that this is all there is and all that implies. The Christians have such simple answers and feel-good stories---Judaism is hard. What can you tell me about this?
There is a reason that Judaism does not focus on the afterlife and that your perceptions of that are correct. The reason is two-fold: first, there are so many Jewish ideas of an afterlife - none of which can be shown, proven or even generally accepted - that there was no halacha or article of belief about it and, second, somehow Judaism knew that when you have a firm notion of an afterlife and make it a dogma and an article of belief (even though Maimonides tried to do exactly that), people do things only to get into heaven. It is, quite literally, a system of brownie points intended to buy off God.
Indeed, the Christians have simple answers and feel-good stories. That only means that that fantasy is what motivates them.
Jews took a different tact. In the Book of Ecclesiastes, traditionally ascribed to King Solomon in his older age, there is near-despair as he approaches the end of his life. But his sadness is not about whether or not he will get to heaven - in fact, there is not even mention of that at all. His sadness is his perception that all he did was vanity and dust. But in the depths of his sadness, he realizes that, though there are so many unknowns, the knowns of life are what he has accomplished and what impact he has made. "How sweet the light, what a delight for the eyes to behold the sun!" (Ecc. 11:7) - Ecclesiastes implores us to appreciate life for the end is inevitable and permanent. Notice that he does teach us about an afterlife but he certainly implies that that is God's domain: "...that God will call every creature into account for everything known..." (Ecc. 12:14). This the last verse of the book, and not coincidentally so.
What happens after is God's domain. We see God as a loving God, a forgiving God and a God who knows us better than we know ourselves. Judaism lets God's domain be God's and our domain be ours. The only thing we can do is mitzvot. Belief does not change the world if belief is intended to bribe God. Belief changes the world if it leads to mitzvot. But we can do mitzvot without belief. For us Jews, it is the doing that is so much more important than the believing. God is not so small that believing in Him gets us into heaven. Our tradition teaches us that when we care only about our afterlife, we neglect far, far too much.
There are no firm conclusions about anything except that we live and then we die. How we fill in the gap is what God demands of us: as the prophet says, "And what is it, O Man, that God demands of you? To do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God." (Not a word about belief. Not a word about death. The essence of Judaism is live with God every moment and not create a life around a notion that we will see Hiim when we die.
You say that you are 'terrified.' Of what? That is much deeper question. Is it a fear of punishment, of lack of meaning, lack of worth, oblivion, legacy, or a thousand other things? For such fears are not uncommon but if you identify the fear and the reason for the fear, perhaps you can live without that crippling handicap. Find a rabbi you trust and take the journey together. You may find surprising peace together.
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Question: What does Judaism say about dating? In modern society people commonly lead to marriage through dating. Is there a different prescribed method in Judaism?
[Administrators note: See also related JVO question: http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=618]
While there is no definitive guideline for dating, it seems clear that getting to know your possible partner-for-life is a very serious issue for us. It is incredible that we have no texts about the 'ex-girlfriend of Rabbi Ploni ben Ploini' or the 'I just want to be your friend' uttered to Rabbi So-and-So. For the writers and contributors of our textual tradition who usually speak copiously about many things, on their dating experiences, and any advice that can give us, they are silent. This, in and of itself, should tell us something.
Perhaps from their silence we can learn that getting to know a future partner and the secrets they share of each other and themselves ought to be something just between them. When we are dating and more comfortable with one another, we are more and more vulnerable and open to being hurt, disappointed, and so forth. We ought not to tell all our friends and family every detail of who we are dating and, if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, we ought to keep that secret, too. Dating can be a very scary thing and there is very little guidance universal answers. Simply put, there are no 'secrets' to effective dating.
But there is an interesting text about what kind of woman to avoid. Although the woman in the book of Proverbs is really intended to be an anthropomorphism of Wisdom, the writers of Proverbs used vivid images of the kind of woman one should stay away from. Of course, the same is true for the kind of man one should stay away from. Here is a sampling:
For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey: Her mouth is smoother than oil
But in the end she is as bitter as wormwhood, sharp as a two-edged sword (Pro 5:3-4)
A harlot is a deep pit; A forbidden woman is a narrow well.
She too lies in wait as if for prey. And destroys the unfaithful among men (Pro 23:27-28)
She sits in the doorway of her house, or on a chair at the heights of town,
Calling to the wayfarers, who go about their own affairs,
'Let the simple enter here,' and to those devoid of sense she says,
'Stolen waters are sweet and bread eaten in secret is tasty.' (Prov 9:14-17)
Clearly, the writers of Proverbs used the image of an indiscreet woman to illustrate their values regarding wisdom but it is significant that this was the image they utilized. It is easy to relate to and, in its own way, suggests to us the kind of partner we ought to seek. But it also gives us some guidance on dating as it suggests that there are certain people we ought to keep clear of and, if we find ourselves involved with such a person as time progresses, maybe it's time to get out of that relationship.
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Question: A married friend confided that she had an affair with a colleague. They had full contact and pleasured each other sexually - completely, but short of intercourse. She now feels very bad about it and has left that workplace, as well as terminated the relationship. Her husband has no idea that anything was amiss. She wonders about the following: Is she obligated to inform him? Is she considered an adulteress? What is the status of her marriage? What can she do for teshuva?
Technically, she is not an adulteress since there was no intercourse. However, it is clear that she was only millimeters and milliseconds from intercourse and so was her partner. The real question is not whether or not she is an adulteress, but rather why she came so close. That is going to be something that she is going to need to process either with her husband or a therapist.
The risks are myriad. If she confides in her husband, he will know immediately that she risks the same behaviour again. He could consider divorce and would probably win in court. Only she and he know whether the relationship is strong enough to bear that weight.
Whatever she can do for teshuvah will have to be done with her husband since she is the one who cheated on him. Teshuvah without letting the one who is hurt know may make the one who committed the sin feel better but does not really solve the problem.
The question I would ask which I am unable to answer here is whether or not their relationship can stand the stress of such an admission. If it can, then the husband is going to be more aware of what his wife is thinking and feeling and may be able to better respond. It will also free the couple from the fear of the wife being blackmailed by threats of letting the husband know what she has done. But it will also open a can of worms that will always leave lingering questions in both of their minds. He will always wonder where she is and she will always wonder whether she can ever be trusted.
At this point, say nothing until and unless you know where you stand with each other. It may not be good advice but at least you may be able to build a good marriage from it and, when the time comes - and it will come, when you come clean, you will have something to build upon. Other than that dubious advice, I can offer little since either way everyone loses. At least this way there may still be something after the dust settles.
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Question: From a Jewish view, what is the true name of G_d? It is my understanding that one name was given to Abraham and another to Moses. Can you please clarify this for me? As an example of the confusion, in the KJV (Christian bible, King James Version) there are three spellings of G_d, LORD and Lord and they each seem to have different meanings. So is there one true name of G_d to call upon and to pray to? Thank you for your response.
Our Sages had the same problem. There are dozens of names of God in the Bible. What's going on here?
Our Sages have suggested that each name reflects one of God's attributes. Adonai (YHVH) is mercy, Elohim is justice, and so on. That may be the case. And, it may be the case that each name of God reflects a particular tribal affiliation with each tribe giving God a different name.
The practice of spelling G-d as such, and not 'God' was to prevent the name of God being destroyed. It is an old way of respecting the name of God. The funny thing is, however, that 'God' is not God's name. In fact, putting the '-' in any of God's names was simply a way to put a fence around the notion of disrespecting God's name. It is a practice that is rooted both in a sense of respect but also in superstition since the belief is that if you destroy God's name, God will punish you. I am afraid that too many people are still bound by that belief. But it goes to the question you are asking. What is God's real name?
According to the Torah, God has many 'real names' but the Torah evolved, as did Jewish history, with two primary names, Elohim and YHVH, the latter known as the Tetragrammaton (the four letter name of God). So holy was this name considered that only the High Priest on Yom Kippur could pronounce it and knew how it was pronounced (sinced each letter in the Masoretic Text - the text with the vowels - put in two vowels per letter!). Why? Because the belief was that if you could pronounce the very name of God, you could engage in magic. Really. As well, the idea that if you are too familiar with God, you would not be able to handle it and so tradition evolved that the very vocalization of the word made it impossible to pronounce.
So our Sages gave the YHVH the pronounciation of 'Adonai', or 'Lord' and there are NT editions that call that name 'Jehovah' and scholars tend to use the word 'Yahweh' to identify which author wrote what, which religious entity they are speaking about, and so forth.
The issue of prayer that is concerning you is not the concern of our Sages. Addressing God does not rely on God's name believing that, if you don't address him with the 'proper' name, God won't listen. There are many manifestations of God's presence and each manifestation tells us about God in the world. My advice is to not worry about God's name itself - worrying too much about it tells me you are afraid of your prayers not being heard. Rather, concern yourself with authentic prayer. No matter what God is called, our rabbis teach us, God will hear it.
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Question: I am dating a non-Jewish man who I love deeply. I'm still a virgin but thinking about having sex sometime soon. I still want to marry a Jew in the end, so if I've had sex with a non-Jew, will a Jew still marry me or would I be considered tainted?
'Tainted' is a loaded word. What is 'tainted' to one may be insignificant to another. In the area of sexuality, each man is different. There may be some who feel that if you not a virgin at all that you are somehow tainted.
Of course, traditionally you were 'tainted.' If you had had sex before marriage, your ketubah would be much less and you and your family stigmatized.
I imagine that in some Jewish communities, that his still the case.
But I am realistic. As beneficial as it is for both men and women to be virgins when they get married, is it realistic? No, not really. But it is interesting that you are worried about it.
The easy answer that I would give you is that, if you are having these feeling before sex, imagine the guilt and anxiety after sex. Do yourself a favor: stay out of bed with him or anyone else. You will know if and when you are ready and if that means virginal until marriage, so be it. There is no reason to have sex if you are filled with doubt.
Finally, if you feel forced emotionally or, God forbid, physically, to have sex with him or anyone else and this is created deep anguish do the right thing....turn around and walk away.
Sex is not just a physical act. It is multi-layered and multi-faceted and goes way beyond intercourse. You are having too many doubts. Keep your pants on.
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Question: My father is Jewish, my mother had a Catholic upbringing but doesn't identify with a religion. I was raised Jewish and had a Bat Mitzvah in a Reform synagogue at age 12. In order to be recognized as Jewish in a Conservative or other Jewish communities, should I "convert to Judaism?" Or does the fact that I've been deemed a Jewish adult by the Reform community count me as Jewish for these other communities?
Your situation is actually Talmudically represented as it would occasionally happen that a non-Jewish mother who had a child and raised her as a Jew would convert to Judaism. The child would be converted, too, but would not be accepted as fully Jewish until and unless they made a public declaration 'leshem geyrut' - for the sake of stating unequivocally that they are Jewish and taking upon themselves the mitzvot, etc. The bat mitzvah ceremony today fulfills that role as the child is publicly stating the she takes upon herself the profound joys of being a Jew.
Will a traditional synagogue accept that? Hard to say as they may not accept the conversion of the mother in the first place. In your case, the mother never converted. It is quite possible that you would have to 'convert' according to a traditional outline. This is something the rabbi would need to discuss with you. But don't hold your breath - if you are seen as a non-Jew in every regard, most traditional rabbis do conversions very reluctantly and over a long period of time.
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Question: Is there a Jewish position on how long one should date before getting married and what attributes one should look for in a spouse/mate?
If I knew the secret to dating, marriage and love, I would bottle it and sell it. Such would be the invention of the millenia! But, aslas, we are bound to what we have seen, what we have read, what we have dreamt and our own experience. Having said that, let me offer some perspective.
In some communities, there is a shadchan, a matchmaker, who allegedly has the expertise to match a man and a woman. Interestingly, these matches often work because the shadchan is aware of the families that both man and woman come from, the physical attributes of each partner and usually had an attuned instict as to what worked.
I doubt that most Jews today would agree to a shadchan.
So how do you know how long to date before marriage if there is no one to tell you what to do?
You don't!
The biblical book Shir HaShirim exalts in the love between a man and a woman (although the Targum and Sages reinterpreted it to be a love poem between God and Israel) but there is only longing and physical attraction and love. There is no mention of how long the young people dated! But one thing is clear that can give a hint: the feeling of love that was as palpable and real as anything you could imagine is when you know you have found your bershert - you soul mate.
That, I suppose, is the way to know that you have found the right person and that that person completes your soul. And the truth is that each person has a bershert and an ezer kenegdo - a perfect match. In fact, our Sages teach us that after God created the world, God has busy getting the perfect couples to meet and marry.
So what should you look for in a perfect person? No one can answer that but you. And looking in a book for an answer about the perfect spouse is a waste of money. Read your heart. Listen to your values. Keep you eyes open. You will find love and love will find you. Never give up hope that your bershert is out there. It is.
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Question: Lack of rain in Israel used to be a death sentence for its inhabitants—no water to drink, no crops, etc. Now, with modern technology (such as desalinization plants), a lack of rain is serious, but no longer life-threatening. Should we still institute fast days during a dry winter?
Your question is one of those questions that bridges the more rational part of Jewish minds with the more superstitious parts of the same mind. After all, weather can not be controlled by prayer. Rain and snow are not bound by our goodness or our sins. In fact, this issue was so problematic that, rightly or wrongly, the Reform movement removed those paragraphs from the V'ahvata. Personally, I find it insulting to God that we think God withholds rain for sin and rewards us with good weather.
But, in the context of those who survive on rain, the question of rain is vital.
It was natural to find this discussion in the Talmud and, indeed, it is there. When are there supposed to be fasts to bring the rain? Who fasts? How long? And so forth. A whole lengthy discussion ensues to answer these questions. The foundation of these questions, though, is the belief that God is in charge of the weather and that somehow prayer, sin, good, etc., is all tied up into the question of whether God waters the trees.
I firmly reject this notion. But, at the same time, I still believe it is a valuable tradition because of what it does teach.
It teaches us that our actions have consequences. There is nothing wrong with praying for rain if it inspires us to reflect and ask God's help opening our minds to what we have done to our environment. How have we impacted the world with our pollution? Is water a right or a gift? Do we worry more about filling our pools than we do about working toward the causes of clean water in desperate countries where hundreds of thousands die each year because they lack clean water? Our sin is the sin of waste and, yes, even in Israel which is holding its own water-wise, would be wise to constantly reflect on how that water is being used. Prayer helps that. It won't bring the rain but it will bring wisdom.
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Question: I would like to address with my 8th grade class the recent articles and reports that workers at iPad factories in China are mistreated. What is our obligation as Jews? Should we boycott? Protest? Write letters? How should we seek justice? I could use some specific quotes from sources that will assist me in pointing them to how we should consider this issue as Jews. Thanks.
Your question is excellent since everyone wants an iPad! But, as a Jew, we are also obligated to ask the question rarely asked, "At what cost?" There is always a history to everything. And, what applies to an iPad also applies to the diamond ring on your finger, the meat you eat, the car you drive, etc. At the bottom of every single thing you buy is an issue of economic justice.
Here are some pertinent sources for you:
From the Mishneh Torah - Maimonides - Gifts to the Poor:
You are commanded to provide the needy with whatever they lack. If they lack clothing, you must clothe them. If they lack household goods, you must provide them...You are commanded to fulfill all of their needs, though not required to make them wealthy.
From the Torah:
When you make a loan of any sort to your countryman, you must not enter the person's house to seize the pledge. You must remain outside, while the person to whom you made the loan brings the pledge out to you. If the person is needy, you shall not go to sleep in the pledge; you must return the pledge to the person at sundown, that s/he may sleep in his/her cloth and bless you; and it will be to your merit before Adonai your God. You shall not abuse a needy and destitute laborer, whether a fellow countryman or a stranger in one of the communities of your land. You must pay the persons wages on the same day, before the sun sets, for s/he is needy and urgently depends on it; else s/he will cry to Adonai against you and you will incur guilt
From the Torah
When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not reap all the way to the corners of your field, or gather the gleanings of your harvest. You shall not pick your vineyard bare, or gather the fallen fruit of your vineyard; you shall leave them for the poor and the stranger: I am Adonai your God.
From Maimonidies, Mishneh Torah
If a poor man requests money from you and you have nothing to give him, speak to him consolingly. It is forbidden to upbraid a poor person or to shout at him because his heart is broken and contrite...for it is written ( in Isaiah 57:15), "To revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite."
From the Midrash:
There is nothing in the world more grievous than poverty; it is the most terrible of all sufferings. Our sages have said: If all troubles were assembled on one side and poverty on the other, [poverty would outweigh them all]. When a man is rich and has a poor relative, he does not acknowledge him; for when he sees his poor relation, he hides himself from him, being ashamed to speak to him, because he is poor.
.....There are dozens and dozens of texts dealing with economic justice. Above is just a sampling. So what do we do with your question?
Whenever anything is created and assembled in countries without regard to labor laws, the workers are more than likely being exploited and abused. Only recently are the Chinese workers demanding - and getting - better pay and working conditions. But the truth is that in most countries without proper labor laws and enforcement, workers get the short end all the time. In Apple's case, the company has been so embarrassed by this that they are putting on their website the results of the audits they do so that people can be assured that the workers are treated well, etc. You can find the audits here: http://www.apple.com/supplierresponsibility/
You have a choice, of course: you can believe the audits or not. If you do, then everything they say is true all everything is rosy. If not, then you have a choice whether or not to take action. Action, in this case, means boycott.
In my own home, we have indeed boycotted several items. We will not eat veal in any form. We will not buy chicken from companies that have been documented to abuse their animals. Diamonds are forbidden unless they are certified that they are not blood diamonds, etc. The ethical treatment of people and animals is a priority in our home and that sometimes means we have to deprive ourselves of something nice.
As Jews, we have an obligation to speak truth to power, to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable, and to be merciful and just in all our ways. To do any less is to ignore the prophets' calls.
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Question: I know this has been asked before, but my situation seems "impossible" though I believe with G-d all things can be done! I am a married woman, currently Catholic, married to a devout Catholic man with six devout Catholic children. I KNOW I am supposed to be Jewish. I cannot any longer set aside G-d's calling, much like He called Samuel and after three tries or so, Samuel finally realizes that it is G-d who is calling him. I desperately want to convert and am now, after all this time ready. My husband will be supportive and will come with me to classes, though I am not certain he will convert. The children will be another story. Can we lead two lives--them a Catholic life and me a Jewish life--but as a family celebrate both? (Though I will choose not to participate at Mass or rosary or anything Christian-related). I pray and hope with all my heart that this is possible.
Your situation is not unheard of. Can it be done, can you have two religions in your home at the same time? Sure, if everyone is willing to work together. But it will be difficult and, frankly, sometimes impossible. For instance, what happens at Easter when the kids and husband come home from Church after hearing how the Jews killed Jesus? What will you say to your children when they asked you why you denied Christ? How will you handle a vocal rejection of Original Sin and say to your husband and children, through conversion, that you no longer believe it. Do you really want to be Jewish or simply get closer to the religion of Jesus? These are difficult questions and they need to be answered. You should not expect any rabbi with whom you work to not ask these challenging questions.
I am a bit concerned that you quoted the story from Samuel. I say that because I am not yet convinced that you know what Judaism is. Judaism is not what the Bible (i.e., the 'Old Testament') says it is. Judaism is what our Sages and rabbis have taught us Judaism is through the foundation of the Torah and the rest of the OT. I think you may have more investigating to do.
Having said that I want to offer a suggestion: meet with a rabbi and speak with him or her about your situation. Start going to temple. Learn the prayer service. Learn what a Jewish home is. Take classes taught by your rabbi. That should happen over the course of at least a year. If, after that time, you want to pursue Judaism, begin taking the conversion courses and directing yourself toward conversion.
Your enthusiasm is apparent and that is a huge plus. But there are too many questions still lingering. You may end up breaking up the family. Friends may disappear as they take sides. Peace in the house - shlom habayit - may forever be shattered. There are a thousand more issues that need to be studied and your husband needs to be involved in the process, not necessarily for the purpose of conversion, but to understand and take the journey with you.
Our Sages were always split about converts. Some made it very easy and some were downright negative about conversion. The reasons are varied but the truth is that conversion to Judaism means entering into a covenant and a people. Our Sages took this very, very seriously. To contemplate becoming a Jew necessitates that you take it as seriously, as well.
I wish you good luck on this journey. You are beginning and taking the first steps. Aseh lech rav - Find yourself a rabbi - u'kaneh lech chaver - acquire for yourself a partner in learning. That is the foundation upon which you can build your knowleged and your Jewish soul.
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Question: According to political experts, the social protest movements in the U.S. lack clear demands and strong leadership. Should Jewish leaders stay on the sidelines or help lead?
You are absolutely right in that the Occupy movement lacks clear vision and direction, not to mention leadership. What do they stand for? Economic justice is on the agenda but then so is just about everything else. In fact, the movement is so without form that it seems that it is a magnet for anyone who has a complaint about anything. Indeed, it has on more than one occasion been a James Dean forum who, when asked what he is against said, "Whad'ya got?" Frankly, after a while of unclear direction, uninspired leadership and unknowable goals, the movement is boring and will fade away.
But that does not mean that it should.
The issues of economic justice are, of course, prophetic issues in our tradition. If Jewish leaders can take up the mantle of leadership focussing on these issues, that is perfectly appropriate. Unfortunately, the Occupy movement is open to every complaint and has, on occasion, even welcomed good old anti-Israel and anti-Semitic elements into it. And so Jewish leaders find themselves in a quandry. Personally, I will not support a movement that is unclear in its goals. Hating everything is not a goal. Wanting to take away what hard-working people have created is not a valid goal. Contempt for those who struggle and succeed is neither a goal nor a valid strategy.
And so I would suggest that Jewish leaders focus on issues of economic justice, the ethics of bank bail-outs, home foreclosures, the insecurity of the 21st Century, etc., from their pulpits and their board rooms, not under the umbrella of the Occupy movement. If you don't know what they stand for, they don't stand for anything. If that changes in the future, maybe it will be worth another look but now, they have only said that everything they see is disgusting. That is not a movement.
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Question: Is it okay to shave your face with a razor instead of an electric shaver? I understand the electric shaver acts more like scissors than a blade, but I also understand the Halachah (Jewish laws) pertaining to this custom is intended to avoid a pagan practice. I used a razor for years, and changed to the electric shaver - the razor was much more efficient. Can you explain this, and comment on why it is so - what is the reason for this practice in Judaism, and is it universal?.
The halacha seems to come from the verse in Leviticus: You shall not round off the side-growth on your head, or destroy the side-growth of your beard. (Lev 19:27). From this, the issue of what is considered 'shaving' is debated. There is even a website dedicated to this issue (www.koshershaver.com). The issue seems to be founded upon not copying the practices of the Canaanites and the Israelites did everything they could to avoid doing the same. This encompasses tatoos, piercings, bodily mutilation and shaving.
There is no consensus. Many traditional Jews will never bring a blade of any kind to their face while there are many Orthodox rabbis who are clean-shaven.
From my persepective as a Reform rabbi, I find the halacha about shaving to represent a prohibition that is simply outdated. We don't do things or avoid things to be unlike the Canaanites. There are no more Canaanites. There may be value in keeping alive a tradition just for the sake of keeping alive a tradition and one can make the argument that its ethical and moral foundations can still teach and inspire a resistance to assimiliation.
In my opinion, it is a custom that has no meaning for the vast majority of modern Orthodox, Conservative or Reform Jews.
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Question: Discussion about the status of women in Israel has been featured heavily over the years. What is the biblical and rabbinic view of the status of women in Jewish society? What do the various movements in Judaism say about this?
The question is timely and it revolves around two issues: who gets to do the mitzvot and who gets the power. The answer biblically, with a few notable exceptions, and Rabbinically - with notable modern differences - is men. Men have almost exclusive control over women. There are notable exceptions in the Tanach - Zelophedad's daughters, Deborah, Yael, and, to some degree, the matriarchs and perhaps Zipporah, Moses' wife. But, by and large, in a patriarchal society, the men control the property and the cash and they are in charge.
This is true to a lesser extent through the eyes of the Rabbis and to this day through the actions of literalists and traditional Jews. However, it must be said that though there are many who seek to break away from the tight strictures, many people embrace such a life because it offers security and safety even though they have fewer rights than a man. They do not necessarily see themselves as second-class Jews and enthusiastically embrace the role.
The modern movements of Conservative and Reform Jews will, frankly, have none of that. Women have all the same rights and obligations as a man. They have equal intelligence and ability to be rabbis, cantors, educators, as well as the secular professions where women are - ostensibly - equal to men. To believe that women allure men sexually as a reason not to integrate them into the worship experience speaks more about men's inability to control themselves than it does about a woman's allure. To suggest that listening to a woman's voice leads to sin is insulting to women. After all, since the woman seems to be worthy enough with whom to have sex, why does that mean she should not speak in public?! Of course, the answer is that there are many men who honestly believe that women should be quiet and exist only to please the man.
For a haredi to spit on an 8 year old girl, to try to kick a woman to the back of the bus, to call a female Israeli soldier a 'whore' is the natural extension of believing that women are not really people. Thankfully, this is a very small minority of the Jewish world but it is, sadly, a part of the Jewish world. The question is whether or not their actions and words will continue to be tolerated or whether they feel they are above civility in Israeli or even western society. No amount of apologetics by an stream of Judaism excusing or defending their actions should be tolerated. Their actions are a shanda and points a light on to how easily repression of women can take place if the group of men is large enough and feels safe. In other words, I doubt very much they would have the nerve and chutzpah to do the same thing on Rachov Dizengoff in Tel Aviv. Hating in public is safe but only when you have friends to feed off. Parts of Jerusalem society have created exactly that atmosphere. I condemn it in the strongest terms possible.
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Question: My parents are quick to disbelieve any medical issues I have, and often get angry when I seek treatment. They think I'm a hypochondriac, though I usually only seek medical attention after I'm sick enough that my friends start to get worried.
This came to a head last summer, when I was suffering from clinical depression. My mother vehemently argued with me about whether I was depressed and told me not to get counseling, when I was in fact suicidal, and those arguments drove me further into depression & towards hurting myself.
I'm seeing a therapist now, and the mental issues are clearing up. However, I'm still in a bind about how to deal with my parents. I know that honoring your father & mother is a mitzvah, but how do I honor my parents when listening to them -- or, sometimes, even speaking with them at all -- can be hurtful or even dangerous?
What can Jewish values, ethics and law tell me about how to handle this?
First, let me begin by saying that I am not a doctor. I have no medical degree and any input I offer does should not, in any way, constitute a medical opinion.
Having said that, let me share with you that it sounds as if your parents are of the generation which believe that Jews can never be alcoholics, never get violent with their spouses (usually their wives), never have mental illness and would never join the armed forces. Even today, there are people who are like this even if they are not of your parents' generation. But the truth is that in my rabbinate - and all over the Jewish world - we are the same as anyone. We just like to hide it a bit better because of the shame it is deemed to bring upon all the Jews. But in hiding it, we hide from ourselves.
This is what it sounds like happened to you.
It sounds as if your illnesses are real and they have their roots in your depression - a very real and often debilitating disease. Now that you are being treated, yasher koach and refuah shleima - congratulations on recognizing the illness and getting it treated and our wishes for a speedy recovery.
But your question still impacts your relationship with your parents. I don't know them but I will assume that they only want the best for you. Their confict with you vis-a-vis treatment for depression possibly comes from the belief that depression is a made-up illness and that, if it were real, Jews don't get depression. It is your reality they will need to come to terms with - that is, they will have to be taught that depression is real. 'Listening to your parents' and 'Respecting your parents' has nothing to do with getting treatment for an illness if they are resistant to it. This is an issue of pikuach nefesh - of saving a soul - your own.
This does not mean, however, that you ought not to respect your parents and honor them with your own words and deeds. Give them the benefit of the doubt when they doubt your illness. Remind them how lucky they are they do not suffer from it. Perhaps they will begin to understand its reality. The simple truth is that unless you have experienced depression, lived with someone who has it, or are a trained professional, it is hard to understand it. I suspect that that is where your parents are at.
In the meantime, do not disparage your parents publicly or privately. Say nothing negative about them except if necessary in the course of talk therapy. Honor them by respecting their shortcoming and try to teach them that your illness is very real.
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Question: When I was young, I was abused by my father. My mother, who knew, did nothing. Must I still honor them?
Your question is terribly, terribly sad. For a parent to abuse a child is a tragic and disgusting thing.
If there is anything in the traditional literature about sexual abuse of parents and children, it is, at best, presented in coded language. However, there is one thing that I can point to.
The tradition is that when you father makes a mistake in the yeshiva, you should not correct him publicly but, rather, wait until after the lesson and do it privately. This is done so that one would 'honor one's father' and that embarassing him is not a good thing.
But, when we are talking abuse, all bets are off the table.
If the abuse is continuing, you tell the police. You confront your father - privately if necessary - with what you know and remember. You determine the course of the relationship and do not let threats deter him from the truth. Seek counseling for what he did from a rabbi whom you trust and/or a psychologist that specializes in abuse.
You do not need to defend your father in public. You do not need to agree with people who say what a lovely man he is. You do not owe him kavod. Remind him of that.
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Question: When placing a Menorah in a high rise lobby are there Jewish rules that need adhering to? Should it stand alone? Does it need to be placed on a white cloth? There seem to be some discrepancies among the residents in our building.
Thank you for the question. I better make sure I get the answer done quickly or the info will be good only for next year.
Here are the general guidelines for menorahs:
The most preferred medium is olive oil and wicks made from cotton or linen. New wicks are not needed every night. Candles work, too
The candle holders or oil receptacle in the menorah used should be positioned in one straight line but, these days, there are so many artistic designs. The important thing is that shamash is higher, not lower, than the candles themselves.
The lights are placed in the menorah from right to left before kindling and are lit from left to right.
All subsequent nights only the first two brachot are recited - shel Hannukah and sh'asah nissim. Shehechiyanu is only on the first night
The brachot should precede the lighting and the Haneirot Hallalu should be said after lighting the first flame, while continuing to light the others.
The menorah should ideally be placed outside to the left of the doorpost, opposite the mezuzah.
Menorahs kindled inside the home, should be set at a window facing a public thoroughfare or neighbouring residences and facing the outside as if the people on the outside are lighting it. Therefore, when the menorah is set up in the lobby, position it so that people coming in see the ascending lights from right to left.
The menorah should not be moved after being kindled.
Every menorah should have its own additional shamash.
One may not derive any benefit from the menorah (i.e. reading by its light)
Now, having said that, what is the specific answer to your question? It sounds like the question your friends are asking is whether or not the menorah has a level of kedushah - holiness. Well, yes and no. Yes in the sense that when it is being used, it is being used as a holy thing but no in the sense that one does not have to be a state of purity to use it and it does not transmit impurity, etc. That, I think, is the reason that someone suggested that the menorah not touch the table. There is no impurity transferred to the menorah from the table. I suspect that having the tablecloth was strictly a family tradition.
Enjoy the holiday! Chag Hannukah Sameach!
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Question: I am taking a college course on Politics and Religion. Why don't Jews, like Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses and other faiths go out and spread the word?
This question is actually a response to history. You see, there was a time in Jewish history where we as Jews did seek converts. In the Bible, Abraham is said to have 'left with the souls he had acquired' which is interpreted by the rabbis as those whom he had brought under the then covenant between Abraham, his descendants, and God. Historically, we have good reason to believe that the Roman Empire was made up of a huge number (maybe even as high as 10% but I am dubious about this) of converts to Judaism. So what happened?
It became dangerous to seek converts for Jews. With the rise of Christianity and their ultimate acquisition of political power, Jews were seen as cursed and any rights afforded them came from 'Chrisitian charity.' In other words, Jews had fewer and fewer rights under the Church and, with the rise of Islam in the East, the Mosque converting out of Islam was literally a death sentence (which is exactly what happens in almost every Islamic-dominated country today). When these two competing religious systems which sought complete domination arose, it was clear that any converion to Judaism was a public slap int he face of denial to the 'new covenant' which could not be tolerated. And when someone did covert to Judaism or the Jews were seen as seeking coverts, it was always the Jewish communities which suffered. Simply put, it became dangerous for Jews to seek converts.
Since seeking converts to Judaism was repressed by the political authorities, conversion went underground to the extent that people converted secretly at times. But, with some exceptions, the general consensus was that non-Jews are not to be trusted even if they say they want to convert. (The Talmud calls those who seek to convert a 'sapachat' - a scab...ouch!). The Talmudic and Mediavel Jewish traditions are divided on how welcoming we should be to converts but that dispute comes from historical suspicion as to someone's motives. This suspicion came from history and from Jewish communities' own experience.
So, Jewish communities did what they always do when persecuted. They sought strength from within and excluded, as much as possible, converts from without. If someone wanted to become Jewish, that was all well and good, but they would have to show how commited they were to the covenant and how much they really wanted to belong to the people of Israel. That would take work, study, and commitment. If, after that time they were ready, they would go before the Beit Din and pass the test. Frankly, the rabbis made it as unattractive to convert as they could - that was the intent. No one would subject themselves to that unless they were really interested.
There is great wisdom in the what the rabbis did, mind you. Today, conversion to Judaism is much easier in almost every case but every rabbi can tell you stories of how they worked with someone who they thought was sincere only to find out that they dropped out of Judaism because they weren't satisfied. Our Sages did not see Judaism as a social club but rather as a covenant and they made it hard to belong. Rightly so.
We are living with that legacy today. Even though there is nothing wrong with advertising Judaism, we really need to ask the question: do we want people in the covenant who have not allegiance to the covenant? Ours is not a religion of belief - we have no belief dogma. Ours is a religion of family and peoplehood, of shared history and shared dreams and of Torah. One does not 'join' the Jewish people as one does another religion. There is no statement of catechism or declaration of faith that 'makes' someone Jewish. It is the very nature of Judaism that has given rise to the reality of how we seek converts. The covenant takes work and, to be a part of the covenant takes study and comprehension. There are no promises of an afterlife. There are no promises of riches. What there is is an eternal family of covenant. If someone seeks to take up that burden, the Jewish people is ready to teach. But since Judaism does not stress heaven and hell or, God forbid, make promises about them, then most people who are seeking religion will not look at Judaism for it offers challenge and reflection, not magical promises. The few who are so inclined to seek will find Judaism deep, broad and revelatory. Those who are looking for easy answers usually go somewhere else.
One final note: about 25 years ago, the head of the Reform movement, Rabbi Alexander Schindler spoke about the need to do active Jewish outreach. Because of his statement, the Reform movement has offered wonderful Introduction to Judaism class, Taste of Judaism classes, and has brought many many thousands under the covenant. But, at the same time, though we are free to come and go as we please from whatever religion we want, the Reform movement has seen the same things the rabbis saw so many years ago from time to time: those looking for easy answers were ultimately dissapointed that they did not find the magic they sought in Judaism and so left. The covenant meant nothing to them. That is precisely what our Sages were trying to prevent.
So the answer to your question is quite simple: we don't actively seek converts because we can't promise anything magical and our covenant is one that must be embraced with proven commitment, not imposed. Anything less treats Torah and the Jewish people, Jewish tradition and ritual as any other magical formula and that is unacceptable. That is why we don't actively seek converts.
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First let me state that, in all my years as a rabbi, I have never been asked this question. Though Kohelet may have said that ‘there is nothing new under the sun,’ this is sure new for me.
The issue of child-marriage really revolves around the definition of a child. There is the joke about when life begins when a priest, minister and rabbi were speaking. The priest says life begins from the moment of conception. The minister says from the moment of birth. The rabbis says, ‘when the kids move out and the dog dies!’ As with almost all jokes, there is a level of truth here.
When is a child no longer a child? In the secular world there are three definitions. First is when they can get their drivers’ license (16-17 years old). Second is when they can vote (18 years old). And third is when they can hold property and legally drink (usually 21 years old). Society determines when a child is no longer a child. Jewishly, biology determines when a child is no longer a child.
According to the Talmud, when a child shows a couple of pubic hairs in the genital region, s/he is no longer a child. Simply put, when the body shows the external hormonal signs that it is ready to reproduce, the child is considered an adult. Of course, this happens when the boys are about 13 and the girls about 12. Naturally, Jews created a name for reaching adulthood: bar or bat mitzvah – the age of maturity when a boy or a girl is considered an adult and therefore responsible for fulfilling the mitzvot on their own. (On a side note, I doubt anyone ever considered today’s bar/bat mitzvah celebration as a recognition that their son/daughter has a pubic hair!)
Clearly, today we would be foolish to consider a 13-year old an adult. In fact, it appears that our brains do not fully develop until we are late into our 20’s. Perhaps we should change our Jewish definition of adulthood to mean exactly that. After all, our Jewish definition of death has evolved from the death of the body (i.e., the heart stopping) to the death of the brain (i.e., brain death). Maybe in the definition of what is an adult should evolve from body maturation to brain maturation. It would not be unreasonable.
13 year olds do not have the capacity for living as a married man or woman. Frankly, it seems to me that anyone who wants their child to marry at 13 is looking for a financial advantage. There are societies today throughout the world who peddle in child marriage. I am sure that in our history as Jews we did the same thing. And it was probably done to continue the family before the child died. After all, 13 years old was about the first third of life and, technically speaking, it was an appropriate time to get married. Families would bargain, dowrys would be set, contracts written and a marriage arranged. I certainly hope that no Jewish families do that today at 13 years old but I am quite sure that arranged marriages to take place at a future date still take place.
Child marriage is an idea whose time has passed. It has no place today and those who advocate it have another agenda.
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Question: I am frustrated with my son who is not motivated with learning Gemara. I try to be a good role model. He is a smart kid and does fine in his secular studies. I feel that he is starting to get turned off from Jewish studies. How far should I push?
Judging by your question, it seems that your son is old enough to be able to understand a blatt Gemara and that his Hebrew and Aramaic are at that level, not to mention his ability to follow the arguments. If that is not the case, then it seems pretty clear why he is not interested. Reading something that is indecipherable and not particularly engaging, regardless of how we feel about it, is a frustrating proposition and there is little that can be accomplished by pushing.
So I will assume that he is old enough to be able to read and that he is a young adult.
You may not be surprised that an entire movement of Judaism was formed in response to this same issue: namely, Hassidism.
The Jews in the East of Europe prided themselves on their yeshivot and institutions of higher and sophisticated learning. They tended to look at Eastern Jews, the Jews beyond the Pale of Settlement, as country bumkins. They were, in the minds of the German, Western Lithuanian, Western Polish Jews, and so forth, ignorant and silly. In response to the yeshiva learning of the Jews of western Europe, the Jews of the East sought God in a non-traditional way - they sang and danced. Joy in Torah is found not just in the books of the Jews, but also in the heart of the Jews. Yeshiva learning was made secondary to a joyful Jewish life. In fact, each group saw themselves as the true expression of Judaism and the other group as heretics.
Your son is exploring his 'Hassidic' side, if you will. He is not engaged in the Gemara and no amount of pushing him will get him to be engaged. You are a good role model by learning. Learn with him, but also ask him to share what he is learning with you. It may not be Gemara but it will be a bridge of learning that the both of you can share. If he thinks that you believe that only Gemara is the Jewish way to learn, he knows he will disappoint. Therefore, reach out to him and learn with him. You will both benefit.
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Question: My girlfriend believes that she is Jewish, but actually only her father was Jewish. She did not commit yet to undergo conversion. Meanwhile, I try to convince her that she needs to go to mikvah every month, but my friend told me that there is no point in her going to mikvah until she is fully Jewish. Please advise. Thank you.
This is an interesting question and actually points out a situation that would have been unheard of 50 years ago. People claiming they are Jewish and wanting to be recognized as Jews. In decades past, people were either Jewish or not and, if they were not and wanted to become Jewish, they would convert.
However, today people can claim Jewish status by dint of the fact that they are born of a Jewish father even if they have absolutely no connection to Judaism. The Reform movement created this situation when it accepted patrilineal descent. But a lot of people misunderstand what this means. It does not mean that, just because someone has a Jewish father that they can claim they are Jewish. It means being raised as a Jew, educated as a Jew and, if they are an adult, embracing Judaism only.
However, I personally, have some issues with even this, even though I agree with the idea of patrilineal descent. It seems to me that someone who has a Jewish father and wishes to embrace Judaism later in life should make the commitment publicly by the process of conversion. This is where I think your future wife should be. There should be a process of study and conversion which implies commitment to the Jewish people.
Going to the mikveh every month is the least of the issues. Actually, I think that without a public commitment to the Jewish people and a sincere desire to become a part of the Jewish people, the mikveh is the least of the challenges.
Patrilineal descent is a wonderful notion except when it is used as a 'cop-in' - a way to get around conversion. If your soon to be fiancee is serious about Judaism, she ought to be serious about what Judaism requires in the form of commitment from someone who has never been educated, raised or practiced as a Jew before this moment.
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Question: How are we supposed to feel sad about the destruction of the Temple? It happened so long ago – are we also supposed to feel saddened about the Jews’ enslavement in Egypt?
This is a fascinating question because, ironically, the question presupposes the answer. The very fact that you are asking it is part of the very issue of Tisha B'Av. Let me explain.
In the past, living outside the Land of Israel made you part of the Diaspora. It was seen as a punishment by God in the eyes of the Rabbis. Our sins took out of the Land and only through redemption - i.e., being in God's favor - could we go back to the Land and end the Galut - the exile or Diaspora from the Land. For two thousand years, Jews prayed for the return to the Land and, still today, the traditional prayerbook has those self-same prayers.
But in reality even the traditional Jew does not see the Exile/Diaspora as a punishment. If they did, they would hop on a plane and simply move back to the reestablished State of Israel to live the 'redeemed' life. The fact that there is such a vibrant traditional community outside the Land testifies that, in reality, even those who pray to go back to the Land do not mean it literally.
Now, as I write these words, it is erev Tisha B'Av and I am a faculty member at a Reform summer camp in the Poconos. In years past, true to early Reform practice, Tisha B'Av was not observed in any fashion because American Jews simply did not see themselves as being punished by God and living in America was in no sense a Diaspora. But today, things are a bit different and it goes to your question.
Today, we are not struggling with Tisha B'Av and we are not dismissing it. But its meaning is very different than what tradition tells us its simple meaning is. Today the commemoration is about history and hope: the history of our people and its sufferings throughout the ages and the hope of a better tomorrow for all Jews and, indeed, for all people.
The issue of the Exodus is a bit different. We commemorate - actually celebrate - that because it is not about suffering. It is about freedom and as we are bidden to 'remember the oppressed for you were oppressed in the land of Egypt' the festival of Pesach is a unique Jewish festival but is overflowing with contemporary meaning.
Merely because the holiday is ancient is not a reason to dismiss it. Its teachings are universal even though its original intent and simple meaning will change as our reality changes.
Tisha B'Av remains real because our suffering is real. The Exodus story is real because freedom is still a distant dream for so many. Those lessons, not matter how old they are, are truly timeless and that is why, tonight, as the sun goes down and Tisha B'Av descends, I will reflect on where we have come from and shed a tear.
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Question: Shouldn’t American Jews, who collectively benefit from living in a free and open democratic country, be supportive of the “gay marriage bill” that gives equal rights to another minority group, regardless of how we feel about their lifestyle?
The gay population has been discriminated against, misunderstood and many myths about gay people have been perpetuated based, solely, on their sexuality.
Contemporary research indicates that gay people have as solid a marriage as straight couples, their ability to parent is not adversely affected by their sexuality and they are, in every way, solid citizens deserving of every right as the straight population.
The reason there is so much animosity has to do with a line in Torah that says
13 If a man lies with a male as one lies with a woman, the two of them have done an abhorrent thing; they shall be put to death -- their bloodguilt is upon them.
From this generations have persecuted gay people.
However, research indicates that being gay is not a choice. It is built in hard wiring in the brain just as being straight is. We simply cannot and must not judge or discriminate gays from straights. To do so flies in the face of the notion that everyone is created in the image of God.
Too many people are concerned about what other people do sexually. They believe that they are being righteous and the holders or morality when they discriminate or try to 'cure' gays. However, do these same people feel correct in persecuting people with tatoos? After all, does the Torah not say, "You shall not make gashes in your flesh for the dead, or incise any marks on yourselves: I am the LORD. (Lev 19:28)"?
Indeed, the reality is that sexuality is somehow more important than anything in some people's minds. Perhaps they are afraid of their own sexuality. Maybe they feel homosexual urges as well and actively try to repress them by persecuting gay people. The reasons are varied.
But one thing that should not be varied is a Jewish response to gay rights. There is nothing immoral about being gay and there is nothing wrong with people who love each other wanting to commit their lives to each other. In my opinion, gay marriage is a Jewish issue not because it is immoral, but because too many self-righteous people somehow deem it to be and that leads to discrimination. That is the only Jewish issue, here.
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Question: Do you think it could be helpful to women in the Jewish community to have a private place to talk about things of a sexual nature?
The question is where can Jewish women go where it is non-threatening and safe.
I have a couple of suggestions. First, try to see a woman rabbi or, if you comfortable with a man, a male rabbi. This is helpful if the sexual issues are spiritual in nature. If they are physiological or psychological, a trained medical professional is a necessity.
Talking about sexuality can be very uncomfortable. The key is to find someone with whom you are totally at ease. Only then can you discuss the issues you face openly and honestly.
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Question: I am a stock trader, and I want to live a balanced life of spirituality, wealth, and joy. In my field, the primary measure of success is the money that is made. However, is there a limit to how "successful" one should be? That is, if I am able to live a well-balanced life, is it ok for me to be driven to make more and more money? It's clear that if money takes you away from all the other important things in life then you become a slave to it and that is indeed very bad; but what if you are able to live a very balanced life and simply strive to make more and more as a consequence of your desire to strive for more success and abundance?
Your question is interesting on many levels. I ask myself why you should feel guilty about doing well? Is doing well the same as doing good? Is there a balance?
There are many people in the Talmud who are sages, teachers and wealthy. The Talmud does not find fault with them nor in what they have achieved. Being wealthy was never a sin in Judaism. Being a miser, being stingy, being exploitative, etc., is condemned, of course but our tradition never teaches that someone is unworthy of being wealthy.
Being a stock trader is a more difficult job than most simply because of the nature of the beast. We are all familiar with insider trading, stepping on the competition to get ahead, lying, etc, - stories that we have emanated from the world of the stock market since the '80's. In fact, it seemed as if there was a time when every stock broker was corrupt. That is, of course, not the case. But you profession is one in which you have to keep your records clean, your ethics on the straight and narrow bridge, and if you fortunate enough, the honor you derive will not be only from wealth but from a shem tov - a good name.
The Talmud asks, "Who is wealthy?" It answers, "The one who is content with his lot." This can mean everything from 'stop kvetching about what you don't have and appreciate what you do have' to 'strive to achieve but don't bemoan everything you don't have.' There is a difference in these two points of view: one is defeatist and one is teaching caution. I accept the one that teaches conscious. For as the Talmud says, "If it wasn't for the yetzer ha-rah (the evil impulse) a man would not marry, build a house and make a living." The point is this: sitting back and merely accepting what you have been given in life is not acceptable. Ours is not a Calvanistic faith. Ours is a faith that values work and is not ashamed of wealth - honestly and properly earned and without inflicting pain on others to get it.
The yetzer ha-rah - the evil impulse - is easy to lose control of. That is why, in your life, you must constantly have a feedback mechanism so that you do not fall into the black hole of greed, unbalance and avarice. As Ecclesiastes says, "The eye is not content with seeing nor the ear with hearing." Once we have tasted wealth, we want more. But we can never acheive satisfaction fully. You need to understand this in your heart. Your family - with which you strive to seek balance - will be an important part of that formula. Your own faith which guides, inspires and informs your decisions will offer you balance. And your very willingness to even ask the question in the first places suggests that you are already sensitive to the problems.
Embrace your passion to sell stocks and embrace the reward of being a man or woman of integrity and virtue. With good luck, your portfolio will increase and among all people, your name will be mentioned with honor. Now THAT is something to be truly greedy for which, ironically, can never be bought.
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Question: The Torah describes Shavuot (Feast of Weeks) as a holiday based on agricultural themes. How did it come to be a commemoration of Matan Torah (the giving of Torah, Revelation)?
Your question is very insightful because it picks up on something that most people miss. That is, it senses that there is a striking coincidence between the Jewish Festivals (Pesach, Sukkot, Shavuot) and agricultural holidays. It is not just a coincidence.
Every society in every age has an agricultural festival around the planting season, the first fruits and the harvest. Jewish society is no different. It may be true that Pesach (the cornerstone of the Jewish year since it MUST occur in the Spring) actually took place in the Springtime or it may be true that the Biblical writers placed it in the Springtime for, as the Spring is the season of renewal, so too, is the Exodus a renewal of the Jewish people where it morphed into people and not simply a group of tribes under the whim of the Egyptians.
But what does all this have to do with Shavuot?
If the Exodus can be placed (or actually did occur at or near the Spring planting season), then the ‘first fruits festival’ – Shavuot – would celebrate the ‘first fruits of the Jewish people’ – the Torah. And since the date of the matan Torah – the giving of the Torah – is not mentioned in the Bible, it is up to the rabbis to try to determine when it was. These short discussions are found in the Talmud.
As an aside, Sukkot – the agricultural harvest festival – did not have a parallel event occur in the Torah. But the booths – sukkot – which are erected in fields during the harvest for the workers to rest in during the heat of the day, were a perfect parallel for the sukkot that the Jews used in the desert for their journey.
So, you can see what Jewish tradition did: our tradition – beginning with the Torah itself – connected, either intentionally or coincidentally, Passover with the Exodus. From there, the first fruits became the giving of Israel’s first fruit – the Torah. And months later, the harvest became the commemoration of the journey through the desert with the symbolism of the booth.
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Question: Are any of the considerations of granting a Kashrut certificate things like humanitarian treatment of the animals prior to slaughter? Good treatment of workers in the factory? Etc? How can you have kosher goose liver pate, for example? Isn't that an internal contradiction?
Unless I am totally incorrect, there is no consideration given to awarding a hashgacha – a certificate of supervision testifying to the particular kashrut of an item. Therefore, according to this definition of kashrut, no, it does not matter whether or not the animal is humanely treated or whether the workers in the factory are taken care of in a ethical manner. Frankly, this is a shanda and it ought to stop.
Although we might like to ignore it, the truth is that Jews are as prone to abuse their workers as anyone else. It is too easy, sometimes, to commit a little sin here which leads to a little sin there and then it snowballs. The rabbis were right: mitzvah goreret mitzvah, aveira goreret aveira – a mitzvah gives rise to another mitzvah, a sin gives rise to another sin.
The rabbinic literature is filled with the guidelines for taking care of the laborer and much of that quest for fairness comes from the verse: “You shall not defraud your fellow. You shall not commit robbery. The wages of a laborer shall not remain with you until morning.” (Lev 19:13) Workers are not to be abused, defrauded, exploited, enslaved, etc. In fact, if you want to see precisely the way workers are NOT supposed to be taken care of, all you need do is look at the disgrace of Postville, Iowa where ostensibly Jewish slaughterhouse owners essentially enslaved workers, most of them Hispanic. It was, frankly, a shanda of the worst kind. And, to add insult to injury, the supporters of the head of the company were sending out emails trying to exonerate him. Sometimes it is best to recognize a sin, regardless of where it comes from.
And, indeed, you are right in your perception of hypocrisy. The kashrut food business has often been referred to as a form of extortion. Payments are made to the mashgiach (certifier), workers are abused and huge profits are made from an industry that is, from its very rabbinic/biblical origins supposed to be the pinnacle of ethics.
So disturbing is this trend that there are people who look for the certification of the meat only to know which meat not to buy – so concerned about what they perceive to be the unethical treatment of both workers and animals.
The definition of kashrut needs to expand for the concerned Jew. Kashrut must include ethical kashrut, eco-kashrut, and an awareness not only of the meat we are eating but the chain of production – the who and how – of how it got to our plates. Pate is treif. Veal is treif. The product of enslaved workers is treif. Hypocrisy – and all that emanates from it – is treif.
The only way we are going to have an impact on this industry and its sometimes ethical misrepresentation of a product’s kashrut status is not to buy it and/or demand that there be an ethical oversight mashgiach. Perhaps things will change then.
In the meantime, I commend you for worrying about this issue. For as we pay attention to what goes into our mouths, we can begin to change how it got there and that is how we change the world – one cow at a time.
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Question: Are we, the Jewish people, doing enough to help the aging population of Holocaust survivors?
This is one of those questions that begs another question: who are you asking?
If you are asking a Holocaust survivor you may get different answers. Some may say yes and some may say no. I think it all depends on the survivor and their needs.
When I went to Israel the first time, I knew an awful lot about Israel but one thing that I didn’t know was how many Mercedes Benzes there were on the road. I asked someone in the know what that was all about seeing that Hitler (may his bones be ground to dust) drove around in a Mercedes! The answer was telling: the Germans felt the need to help the Jewish state get on its feet – or its wheels, in this case. They sold the cars to the Israelis at what I understand was a deeply discounted price. That is why there were so many Mercedes in Israel (at that time, anyway). I am not sure if the program is still functioning but that was one of their contributions.
There are many different ways that Jews have helped the survivors of the Shoah. Indeed, one can say that we have spent a great deal bringing comfort to the afflicted. In the name of tzedakah and respect and honor, Jews have come to the rescue of many of these survivors and are to be praised for it. Kol hakavod.
But there are still survivors who don’t have enough to eat. That is a fact. Do we have an obligation according to Jewish law? Yes, we do. But it is not specifically because they are the survivors of the Shoah. It is because they are human beings. Our laws of tzedakah and our communal and personal practices certainly can guide us in this way.
However, is there a point where there is such a thing as too much? Again, yes. Maimonides certainly implies that on his Eight Levels of Tzedakah. Still, even the lowest level of tzedakah is still tzedakah. As long as a Jew is hungry, the rest of us ought not to rest.
Does that mean that a society need impoverish itself to support those who are needy? Yes and no. Yes in that as long as there is suffering, we are impoverished, as well. But, no, we must not bankrupt ourselves or our society to accomplish a good.
There are many ways to support the survivors. We honor them with our contributions to those that support them and help them out in difficult times and we ought to continue that. And we ought to put the pressure on those governments that have made commitments are promises. But, at the same time, we must balance that with what is reasonable, tzedakah, and responsible.
So are we doing enough? It depends on who you ask.
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Question: Passover is around the corner and I was wondering how much of the pre-Passover madness is really necessary. Must we really Spring Clean like the Good Housekeeping ladies, or is getting rid of bread and cookies enough? And as to the products in the stores - my goodness!! I feel a little bit like the holiday has become a corporate festival, commercialized like Christmas. Is there an answer to the madness??
Passover preparations are very, very challenging. And, I am not speaking about the cleaning out of the hametz – the stuff with leaven in it. I am speaking about painting. Yes, painting.
Every year in my home, we find ourselves painting something just before Pesach. I really can’t explain it. Somehow, after the snow melts and the grass begins to turn green, my wife and I have this compulsion to paint. That usually involves several trips to Home Depot and, before we lay out the Pesach Seder table, we lay out the drop cloths.
But what does all this have to do with your question?
Your question is about traditions and law. Jewish law responded to this verse from the Torah: Seven days you shall eat unleavened bread; on the very first day you shall remove leaven from your houses, for whoever eats leavened bread from the first day to the seventh day, that person shall be cut off from Israel (Exodus 12:15) and from it (and other similar verses) created that hilchot Pesach – the laws of Passover that deal with what is and is not acceptable to eat or even have in your homes and businesses during Pesach. Of course the laws also deal with the Pascal Sacrifice – a non-issue these days – and issues of ritual purity, etc., surrounding the Festival.
As a result of the development of Jewish law, indeed, we are supposed to clear our homes of any hametz. This is not the usual “Spring cleaning” to which you refer. This is ‘Jewish cleaning.’ It is not meant to get rid of the accumulated stuff from the past year, but rather to prepare for the Festival.
Our Festival is one of community, not just individuality. By cleaning the home of hametz we ourselves are participating in a living mitzvah of identification with generations of Jews, past, present, and future. It is not simply a tradition to clean out the hametz – it is a way of responding to who we are as a people. By cleaning out, by doing the work, and by being a part of this glorious Jewish enterprise, we can enter the holiday as if we ourselves departed Egypt.
The commercialization you speak of is nothing new. If something can be kosher for Passover, someone will make it and sell it. It differs from the other religious/secular holidays in that the kosher for Pesach food is not for gift-giving and there are no cute jingles to make us by matzah or gefilte fish! Rather, this time of the year and all of its traditions is an opportunity for each of us participate in a communal liberation. (As a side note, I must say that some kosher for Pesach food is quite good while some – especially the breakfast fare is not!).
Do you have to “Spring Clean like the Good Housekeeping ladies’? The Good Housekeeping men and women are cleaning their closets and throwing out their old clothes and broken TVs – usually to make way for new stuff. When we do our ‘Jewish cleaning,’ we are doing it for totally different purpose. Secular Spring cleaning is for spacial purposes; Jewish cleaning is for spiritual purposes.
You will, naturally, create your own traditions about your Jewish cleaning. Somehow, in my home, along with the ridding and burning of the hametz, we end up painting a room! Some people change their dishes, some get rid of their rice, some sell their hametz, some burn it, some put it in the garage and sell the garage until after the holiday (really!). But whatever you do, you are preparing for our people’s night of our lives – the liberation from Egypt. But that liberation is not complete. Getting ready for Pesach, even more than the Seder itself, focuses our minds and spirits on things outside ourselves. And that is often a very, very good thing.
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Question: What is the Jewish response - besides of course helping those in need - to environmental tragedy, like the earthquake and tsunami in Japan? For starters - How do we understand a God who wreaks this kind of havoc on His creations?
The tragedy now facing Japan is of a scope that we rarely see. The natural disasters were bad enough but the impending nuclear meltdown exacerbates the problem exponentially. People can clean up after a flood, a tsunami, even an earthquake. It is a lot harder to clean up from nuclear contamination. What is our Jewish response to such a tragedy?
Of course we offer our support – moral and financial – where we can. As Jews we encourage our national leaders not to stand idle while our neighbor bleeds. And, of course, we engage ourselves in the debate about nuclear power – a debate which has subsided in recent years because it was not seen as a major problem.
But the theological question you ask is one that needs to be asked and answered forthrightly and clearly.
God had nothing to do with the tsunami. God had nothing to do with the earthquake. God had nothing to do with the nuclear meltdown. God has nothing to do with the weather, plate tectonics or the laws of physics. The simple truth is that whatever has happened in the world over the past 4 billion years will continue for the next 4 billion years. The difference is that there are now people in the way and, as people, we wonder why God would do such a thing to His creatures.
That way of looking at the world is one of self-importance. It is, in effect, saying, “How dare God do such a thing?!” We feel cheated and undeserving of such terrible things.
Of course, our Sages and biblical authors – quite often but not always - saw weather and natural disasters, war and disease and any misfortune as sent by God as punishments, inducements, to repent, or warnings. It is natural to think that and I doubt there is one culture that doesn’t think that way. But that does not mean it is accurate or fair.
In fact, it is unfair, especially to God. Why should God get blamed for everything that happens? Why do we depend on the laws of nature and the laws of physics for everything but are upset at God when we are caught in the middle of a natural event? Do we teach our children to blame God for gravity, a natural phenomenon, when they fall off their bikes? And yet, we blame God and wonder why He punishes us when those self-same laws of gravity drop a building crane on a busy metropolitan street.
Elie Weisel was right when he said that the most pathetic figure in the bible is God. He is always disappointed at people and everyone is always blaming Him for what happened!
It is time to stop blaming God.
It is time to recognize that what we do has consequences in God’s world. When we build nuclear power plants on seismic faults we are asking for trouble. Maybe not in the next ten years but certainly within the next hundred. And the truth is, no matter how well prepared we are for natural disasters, the awesome might of nature is something we have barely any control over.
Our response to the disasters befalling Japan should be God’s response. There is no blame for what happens in nature but there is a humane and sensitive response to those who are suffering. The reality is that God is not going to ‘lift up the fallen’ – it is we who are doing God’s work will be the ones lifting up the fallen. And it is also we who will have to look at our decisions about what we build and where be build and understand that the consequences of our actions can be dire.
When the midrash teaches us that God said to Noah after the Flood, “Take care of this earth because after you there is no one to fix it and sustain it,’ the rabbis were telling us two things: first, that the earth is ours to care for and what we do today affects generations to come. Second, and I think more importantly, don’t expect God to perform miracles every time we think we deserve them.
We all want God present in times of trouble. Many Psalms are written to reflect that in the most beautiful Hebrew poetry. And God is present, but only if we act as we would want anyone to act towards us in our suffering: with compassion, kindness, sensitivity and love. That is the place to find God in disasters such as these.
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Question: A colleague (actually by now a friend) slightly below me on the company totem pole is about to get really unfairly screwed over (excuse my language) by another colleague, his direct boss. I know about it, but I am not supposed to know about it. I could say something, but I could easily get in trouble because it will be obvious it was me. However, if I do, he may be able to preempt the worst of it. Are there any Jewish ethics to guide me here?
This is one of those cases of ‘damned if you do and damned if you don’t.’ Still, the reality is that what you are hearing is second-hand, possibly incorrect, and will ruin not only your relationship with your superiors but also jeopardize your job not to mention how it will affect your friend’s relationship with his supervisor. Your desire to protect your friend is admirable. No one can deny that. But you are operating on incomplete information and, even if it is accurate and you are privy to it, it falls in the realm of business. If it is legal and there is no criminality involved, you have no obligation to say anything. Indeed, you have a responsibility to your employer which is a legal contract.
Contracts are very serious things in Jewish life. There are tractates of Talmud devoted to contractual obligations including obligations of employees to employers and vice versa. The upshot of much of these arguments is that of mutual trust and respect. Where there is a difference of opinion, the parties work it out according to what is just and fair. However, when one party goes behind the back of the other, the relationship is permanently and irrevocably damaged. Your supervisor will never again be able to trust you and your will place your own future in jeopardy. As well, if the information was wrong, you will have been guilty of lashon ha-rah, evil speech which intends to create harm to at least one party.
Your friend may or may not be in the predicament you believe. If you intervene in the manner you are describing you are making things much, much worse for him and yourself. Your obligation is to be a ‘haver’ – a friend when and if things go badly for him. You should be there as a support for him and a shoulder – a friend with whom he can share his misfortune.
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Question: Why are there no "kashrut" standards imposed on products that are good vs bad for the environment? Shouldn't aluminum pans and non-bio-degradable plasticware be "treif"?
Kashrut, as applied to food, is mentioned in the Torah and expounded upon at great length by the Rabbis. The food laws are central to so many Jews’ experience that entire industries have been created to cater to those needs. That is why there are so many different authorities overseeing different communities’ standards of kashrut.
There are many Jews today who want to add to that definition of kashrut; some choosing to do so instead of what they feel are antiquated and unnecessary food laws as defined by the Torah and Rabbis or as an extension in addition to the customary food laws. Sometimes this is knows as ‘eco-kashrut’ and it has taken root throughout the country.
Eco-kashrut is another voluntary layer to food. But it has broadened its outline so that all ethical and environmental considerations are embraced. For example, many people (myself included) feel that the harsh treatment of animals such as calves that provide veal are inhumane and do not meet the standards of tza’ar ba’alei hayyim – the consideration of pain afflicted upon an animal. Therefore I, like many, consider veal treif. Others may have the same consideration regarding other food such as chickens, choosing instead free-range animals or any number of other examples. Though they may be slaughtered and koshered in a proper halachic manner, their lives were painful and they were abused and so they are considered treif by many.
But, as you suggested, food is not the only expression of eco-kashrut. Indeed, how the food is prepared and by whom is also a key consideration. Were the workers who worked in the factory taken advantage of and their employers trampling on halacha and common decency (i.e., Postville, Iowa - http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/opinion/13sun2.html and http://www.jufj.org/media/jufj_media_statements/6_26_08_jewish_groups_respond_kosher_meat_scandal)? Indeed, such scandals abound including the threat of removing kosher certification of restaurants until a gratuity is paid, etc. Unfortunately, what is supposed to be an ethical system sometimes is corrupted and devolves into something unethical. For many, this is tantamount to treif and there are many Jews who make it a point to avoid such places so that they will not contribute to what they consider corruption and graft.
There is another kind of kashrut, as well, which encompasses all the earth. This is, technically not kashrut in the common meaning of the term but rather a respect for the Earth and a sense of shomer adamah – a stewardship to our environment. So houses can be kosher or treif depending on how they are insulated and heated. Cars can be kosher or treif depending on their energy efficiency. Garbage can be kosher or treif depending on its biodegradability, and so forth. However, there is no organization that I know of – yet – that will set standards for eco-kashrut. I doubt very much that we will see any such organization as the community itself would have to agree to it and the movement is far too diverse at this point. In the meantime there are many Jewish resources about taking care of the earth, vegetarian living, and tzaar ba’alei hayyim and they can be useful in creating your own kashrut that is meaningful and purposeful.
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Question: Is there an obligation for every Jew to visit Israel (at least once, if not annually....), particularly now that it is no longer an arduous journey? If not - why not???
There is no specific mitzvah to visit Israel in any of the halachic works that I have ever read. Indeed, after the destruction of the Temple by the Babylonians and the subsequent rebuilding as described in the books of Ezra and Nehemiah, there were plenty of Jews who stayed in Babylonian exile and did not come back to Eretz Yisrael. If there was a halachic mandate to move back, more probably would have.
Unlike the Muslims who have pillar of Islam being the Hajj – the pilgrimage to Mecca – Jews do not have such a thing. I have sometimes wondered why this is, especially since Jerusalem plays such an important part of the Jewish scriptures. Perhaps it was a fear of deifying the city and turning it into an idol of sorts.
But, having said that, there are many stories of Jews throughout history who are drawn to the Land as it became part of their neshama – their very soul. Judah HaLevi, the great mediaeval poet and philosopher pined away for Jerusalem with the words, ‘my heart is in the East.’ In recent years we have seen Ethiopians, Russians, Yemeni and Iraqi Jews find safety and security in the Land. But getting there was for religious reasons which are different than halachic reasons.
Of course, from the US getting to Israel means going to the airport, falling asleep on the plane and waking up in Tel Aviv. So even though it is not a religious obligation to daven at the Kotel, to shop on Dizengoff, to wake up in Sfat, to hike the Golan, to swim in the Dead Sea, to sail in the Kinneret, and to visit friends in Ma’ale Adumim, with it being so easy, the real question is ‘what is taking you so long?’ My rabbinic advice: go and take your family and, in Israel, you may find even more of your Jewish neshama.
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Question: My teenage son’s teacher (a young rabbi) has a Facebook account, where he jokes around with students, friends, and colleagues. He is a personable guy and has never posted anything truly inappropriate, but I still feel this level of familiarity and ‘jocularity’ with a teacher erodes boundaries. Am I simply being Old School? Or is there something strange about it?
The online world seems to expand exponentially every year. As imaginative online denizens come up with new ideas of connecting, it takes something of a real maven to make sense of what each service does and does not do.
Facebook is, of course, the granddaddy of them all. There are more people on Facebook than are residents of the United States and each one of them can ‘friend’ another. With that many people online, there is always a risk. And, indeed, we have seen what happens when strangers meet online and ‘friend’ each other.
This is absolutely something that you should monitor. You need to see who your child’s ‘friends’ are and, in my opinion, if you ask the question and you get a vague answer, immediately take away the computer until and unless you are satisfied with the answer.
However, social media also serves a vital purpose, especially when there is good personal contact online between rabbi and teenager. In fact, I personally have an online account and communicate with everyone in my congregation – if they have ‘friended’ me – on Facebook and Twitter.
I know what is appropriate and inappropriate to say. I would hope that that is the case with all rabbis and teachers who are ‘friends’ with your child. Sadly, that is not the case. It is therefore incumbent upon you to monitor all communication with your child online and, if you feel there is anything untoward, inappropriate or can be misconstrued by your child, you take it up with the rabbi without hesitation or fear.
The chances that anything immoral or untoward is happening is, happily, very low. In fact the social media world is a good way to teach, to reach out and to share the values that the rabbi teaches in classes. To deny your child the access to that may be ‘Old School.’ But it is never ‘Old School’ to watch out for your child. Watch and read the rabbi’s posts. ‘Friend’ the rabbi yourself and whatever s/he puts up is what you and your child will see. However, if there are private messages between rabbi and child that give you pause, find out what is going on.
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Question: What does Jewish law say about coping with spousal addiction to cybersex for 10 years in a 20 year marriage? (The addict was deceitful and betrayed trust.)
This question, in this form or some other, seems to manifest itself in each generation in a different way. The question remains, somehow, the same. Infidelity (which is clearly implied when the questioner said ‘the addict was deceitful and betrayed trust’) is the real issue. Cybersex, itself, is not the issue. It is the addiction to cybersex that is the issue.
To be sure, this addiction, like all addictions, is real. We usually associate addiction to tangible things like, food, drugs, alcohol, and so forth. But cybersex – the addiction to pornography – is a well-documented addiction. As such, it needs to be treated as an addiction and, like any other addiction, it must be treated with therapies of various types.
The addiction itself has lasted somewhere between 10 and 20 years. For this to be true – and I am quite certain it is – there is a very deep problem either in the marriage or in addict. This problem manifested itself in as a betrayal of trust – which I can only assume in this context means adultery. Of course, Jewish law is quite clear on this issue. Consensual sex between at least one partner who is married is forbidden.
The real issue for the questioner is how long is it possible to continue living in this arrangement. I fear that, without proper therapy, what has happened in the past will continue to happen into the indefinite future. Judging by the tone of your question, I will assume that you have grown frustrated with your partner. Sometimes a marriage can’t be saved even if both partners work hard at it. When addiction is compounded into the equation, sexual infidelity, and basic distrust, saving the marriage may be impossible.
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Question: If we have arrived in a post-racial world, why is intermarriage still apparently a big deal for many people?
Your question is one of the most ticklish ones to answer and every rabbi, especially progressive rabbis, have struggled with it.
However, I want to clarify something about your questions. We have not arrived at a ‘post-racial world.’ And, even if we had, Judaism cannot be defined as a race in the customary use of the word. I think what you were asking is that since our world – especially the Western world – is so integrated, why should intermarriage be such a big deal.
Indeed, for many people it isn’t a big deal at all. You can see this in every Jewish community – yes, even Orthodox ones, where a Jew is married to a non-Jew. However, in the Conservative and Reform communities, the intermarriage rate is high. This is especially true in different parts of the country where, for various reason of demography and culture, intermarriage rates can approach 70%.
But, to get back to your question. Why is intermarriage such a big deal? It is a question of covenant.
It is relatively easy for a child to be educated in a Jewish manner as to the meaning of covenant and being a part of the Jewish people if the parents are Jewish. Even if there are no children, where the religio-cultural bonds are unquestioned, connection to the Jewish world is easy. And that connection to the Jewish family and to the covenant between God and the Jewish people is what being Jewish is all about. Our faith is a brit – a promise to God that our Jewish family is bound to Him (pardon the gender specificity but grammar dictates it).
When Jews marry out of the faith, let me be clear that I do not believe they have committed a sin. But it takes much more work to create a Jewish home when one partner is not Jewish. I have seen many families succeed beautifully in this regard and their children are knowledgeable and good Jews dedicated to the Jewish people and to Jewish life. But the parents in these cases decided to raise their children Jewishly, have an exclusively Jewish home and live in a Jewish environment which they actively created.
On the other hand, there are many families that choose to live in at least two religious traditions. The children are raised with two traditions. I know of no rabbi who sanctions this. As well, we have seen families where the parents may be afraid to choose for the child and so decide to leave the issue on the table until the child can decide what religion s/he wants to be. Sometimes this works, often it does not for a variety of reasons.
The issue of interfaith marriages matters because marriage matters. Jewish families that want to identify as Jewish families and live as Jewish families actively bind themselves to Judaism and the Jewish people. Being a part of the covenant is an active step, not merely something you are born into. Diminishing its importance or value is a diminution of the Jewish people.
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Question: If I know that a friend's husband is having an online "fling" - only online - is it my responsibility to tell her, the way I would if I knew about an actual affair? Or is there a difference?
Welcome to the 21st Century! Since our Sages never heard of ‘online’ anything, we have to find some parallel in Rabbinic literature to, at least, try to answer the question.
Your question, however, already anticipates your answer. Since you say that you would tell your friend that her husband is having an affair, it seems pretty clear that, if you are quick to jump in that regard, you will be quick to jump in any similar circumstance. The question becomes moot, in such a case. However, I would ask a more pointed question – How do you know he is having an affair? How do you know he is flirting online? Where is that information coming from? And, do you have a responsibility to share the information?
There are, at the very least, two avenues to look at this. The first is the issue of ‘rechilut’ – gossip and the second is the issue of ‘sakana’ – danger.
Our Sages are pretty clear about ‘rechilut’ – no surprise there. The Torah states in Leviticus 19:16 , "Lo taylech rachil b'amecha.' According to the 1917 Jewish Publication Society version of the Tanach (Hebrew scriptures), the translation is – “Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people.” This is in line with other uses of the word øÈëÄéì֙ (or its root) such as can be found in Jeremiah 6:23, Jeremiah 9:3, Proverbs 11:13 and Proverbs 20:19. In fact, these texts restate the mitzvah in the Torah as, for example, Proverbs 20:19 which says, “A gossip reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a babbler.” It is pretty clear what the text means to say.
(Interestingly, the new JPS Tanach (1985) uses this as the translation of the verse: “Do not deal basely with your countrymen” translating the root øëìto mean ‘basely’ or ‘to be base.’ Frankly, I have no idea why the JPS 1985 insists on this translation which follows no use of the root øëì anywhere else in the Bible.)
There are also a great many ethical works on gossip, the most well-known by Rabbi Israel Meir HaCohen Kagan who is known as the “Hofetz Hayiim.” He was, for all intents and purposes, obsessed with the issue of gossip. His first work, Sefer Chafetz Chaim (1873) was his clarification of the laws regarding gossip. He wrote other works, too, including Shmirat HaLashon, which emphasized the importance of guarding one's tongue through Rabbinic prooftext techniques. As you can imagine, any hint, any indication, any type of gossip, slander, etc., was to be avoided. He knew what we know: that appearances do not always reflect the truth. So, going back to the original question, I reiterate my question: how do you know he is having an affair? Truthfully, unless you saw them having sex, you don’t. You may be suspicious and you may even be right but unless you have proof (and other witnesses), you risk ruining more than a marriage.
However, let’s for a moment assume that you saw them having sex and that there is no doubt about it. This may be an issue of ‘sakana’ – danger. And, in issues of ‘sakana’ there is a moral obligation to say something. For instance, if you see someone who is drunk, you have a moral obligation to take away their car keys regardless of the consequences. (In fact, I actually did this at a party several years ago, blocking the door so an inebriated congregant could not get out of the house before giving me the keys.)
However, the warning of ‘danger’ – ‘sakana’ – is to be directed to the one doing the danger, not their relative. In other words, you may see the danger to the marriage. You may see the pain that infidelity has the potential to cause. But running to the wife – who will be incredulous, embarrassed, angry, and hurt all at the same time – may backfire in ways that you cannot even imagine. In other words, if you see this, it may be your responsibility to let the husband know the ‘sakana’ and the consequences of it.
Having said that, let me now approach the issue of an online flirtation, what you call a ‘fling.’ A ‘fling’ implies physical contact of which there is none. That is why I prefer the word ‘flirtation.’ Indeed, the Internet and all its benefits easily give rise to renewed flirting, old boyfriends and girlfriends, and so forth. Clearly flirting while married is not permitted. But since when are we the Jewish Taliban, enforcing the performance of mitzvoth and threatening another if they do not do as we wish? Your friend’s husband has a responsibility to himself and his family. He has the responsibility to control his flirting. You don’t. By becoming embroiled and involved in this issue, you are creating pain, jeopardizing friendships, hurting families, and truly being a ‘talebearer.’
Our tradition understands that words, though powerful, are not sins in and of themselves when used incorrectly. When Jimmy Carter said he had to atone ‘because he lusted in his heart’ many Christians nodded in approval while most Jews responded, “So what?” People fantasize. People flirt. People think and say the wrong things. But what matters – what really matters – is what people do. Since your friend’s husband has not done anything and your reaction would be to ‘do’ something you must ask yourself the question, “Who is the one committing the sin?” You may not like the answer.
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Question: When does reproof cross the line into criticism - regarding diaspora Jews and Israel in particular?
The issue of reproof and criticism is one that has been the natural twin of the Israeli-Diaspora relationship. There is good reason for this. The nascent State of Israel depended on the philanthropy of Diaspora Jews and American Jews, in particular. The state depends on our missions, our dollars and even, to some degree, our influence in the American political process. It is, moreso than any other sovereign country’s relationship with its Diaspora, a symbiotic relationship. And, like all relationships, there are bound to be tensions.
The Torah has its measure of rebuke. Take a look in Deuteronomy 26:1-29:8 and Leviticus 26:3-27:34. Called in Hebrew ‘tochacha,’ the idea that the Jewish people are deserving of rebuke from time to time for their sins is a well-known phenomenon. The midrash, too, cites Moses’ use of criticism and tochacha toward his people and God’s guidance toward Moses in uttering such criticism. Clearly our tradition does not shy away from getting people on the ‘straight and narrow.’ (By the way, the root of the word ‘Torah’ means to ‘shoot straight’ – i.e., to get people to go on the straight and narrow path).
There are those Jews who have no connection with anything Jewish nor with Israel. They are vocal and loud and, frankly, have little to offer the conversation. Should Israel listen to them? Of course. For as Baalam and Balak taught us, even in the intent to destroy with words may be found truth. Ironically – and thankfully – there are many Jews who have a strong connection with Israel and who love Israel. And it is true that they are often very vocal.
In the Talmud, there is a commentary on Psalm 3:1 which begins, "A Psalm of David when he was fleeing before Avsholom, his son". The Gemara asks why this is called a ‘Mizmor’ – a Psalm of Praise when he was running away from his son who threatened him! The Gemara answers its own question by quoting another verse that says, “Behold I will raise up evil against you from the midst of your house" (Samuel 2 12:11), David was afraid that it would be a slave or someone illegitimate, but when he saw it was his own son, Avshalom, he was greatly relieved and said a Psalm of Praise! God sent Avshalom to pursue David and, where God was involved, there was still covenant and partnership, no matter how stressed the relationship. The same is true vis-à-vis Jews and Israel. Indeed, you can certainly read this midrash as teaching that it is better to get rebuke and criticism from someone who loves you than someone who doesn’t!
To rebuke Israel for bad decisions and to criticize Israel for policies that threaten to disrupt – or even destroy – the Israel/Diaspora relationship is not just warranted, it is absolutely necessary. When Israel moves to make non-Orthodox conversions treif, when the corrupt Rabbinical establishment in Israel prohibits non-Orthodox Jews from buying land for their synagogues, cemeteries, to deny women their rights, and holds the trump card in every coalition government, the Diaspora Jew has a right and an obligation to reprove and criticize Israel. To sit back and allow ourselves to be run over is a self-destructive exercise and Israel is mature enough to know that we, too, have a stake in the State. Guilting Jews into remaining silent is simply not an option for Israel any more. It needs our help and it will get our feedback, as well.
It is true that if you really want a voice in the State, you ought to move there and vote. However, it is also true that as long as the State asks us to send it our tourists and our dollars, our tzedakah and our hearts, we too have a say in what happens and when there is injustice, we have a responsibility to reprove and criticize. But, as our tradition teaches, first we must do it privately so as not to embarrass publicly. However, there is a time and place when only a public recrimination will work and, as long as there is a relationship between Israel and the Diaspora, it will be a two-way relationship. Anything less than that is self-destructive.
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